


Fine Young Criminals

by Esca



Series: Fine Young Criminals [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A Bunch of Delinquents, A Bunch of Homos, Akatsuki - Freeform, Eventual Porn, Hidan U Lil Shit, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Love a Shark in Uniform, Itachi Drinks Like a Fish, Just Fuck Already, Kakuhida - Freeform, Kakuzu Stop Choking Hidan, KisaIta - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Multi, SasoDei - Freeform, Slice of Life, What am I doing, domestic as fuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-05-23 12:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 77,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esca/pseuds/Esca
Summary: The last thing Deidara expected to happen to him while serving out his court-ordered community service work program was to make friends. And he certainly wasn’t expecting to fall in love, either.Modern AU. SasoDei / KakuHida / KisaIta. Future explicit scenes, mentions of drug use, offensive language throughout.





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I haven't written in a while, so I am unsure of the quality. Please read at your discretion. If you enjoy it, I hope you will consider leaving me a review or kudos. They let me know if you like what you are reading, after all. :)  
> I noticed there is another work on here with a similar concept as mine. I promise they will be nothing alike.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter One_

_“Single file! Keep it moving, keep it moving! Hey! Yeah you! Put that the fuck out! Keep all personal belongings in your vehicle; no cellphones, no tobacco products, no nothing! You think this is a goddamned joke!?”_

Well, this was going to be _delightful_. It seemed that he’d traded harsh concrete walls, three square meals devoid of nutritional content, and cold, rickety metal bunks for a similarly humiliating experience, 500 hours of it to be exact. Almost four, maybe five months, twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon: court-ordered community service through a county work program. 

Deidara let out a low sigh as he ran fingers through his loose, long blond hair and regarded the barking police officer yelling at and degrading fellow probates. This was his first day of what seemed like eternity, and he would be spending it outside in the ridiculous July heat at a police gun training range doing God knows what kind of manner of manual labor.

He didn’t belong here. There was no way. All he’d done was distribute fireworks during a burn ban. And maybe have started a small fire in the process... Now he had a felony charge under his belt, had spent countless months in a cell with men that were far more qualified to be there than he, and that was only the immediate consequences. The lingering, inevitable ones would be far worse: potential loss of revenue for his art, ridiculously expensive legal fees, court costs, and supervision fines... plus the drug tests. Oh, the drug tests. There really was nothing quite like having to pee in front of a complete stranger; he’d endured far too much of that humiliation while stewing in the local county jail after his sentencing.

“Oy!”

Teal blue eyes widened and immediately Deidara’s thoughts came back into focus. He divested his attentions on the large and tanned burly officer looming down at him and the glistening shield on his chest. 

“Earth to Twinkie, anybody home in that pretty little head of yours? I said get in the damn line!”

_K. Hoshigaki_

“Yes, sir.”

He immediately scuttled to the end of the line. “...What a jerk, hm.”

“Actually, he’s the nice one.”

The blond raised an eyebrow as a slightly-taller, dark-haired man turned to regard him. “You call that nice, hm?” 

The other guy had pretty eyes. They looked almost like garnets in the emerging sunrise. They seemed to sparkle with a sort of mirth as he continued, “I’ve been doing this for a while. I’ve gotten to know Kisa--” he faltered suddenly, but just as quickly resumed, “Pardon me, _Officer Hoshigaki_ pretty well. The verbal intimidation is simply for posterity. The other one, we call him Officer Z, he’s far less pleasant,” he gestured over to an officer with an interesting case of vitiligo that made him appear almost racially bifurcated. “He really doesn't say much... but he’ll taser you if you present him the opportunity. He did it to Hidan last week.”

 _“Who the FUCK is talking about me?!”_

Deidara looked over his shoulder and blinked as people that had gotten in line behind him were being shoved to the side as the aggressive voice got closer. Exclamations from the owners of said bodies and their respective cursing were peppered silent with replies of, _“Fuck you, too!” “Eat a dick and die!” “I’ll fucking end you, heathen!”_

And then a tall, muscular silvery-white haired man came into view, towering over Deidara and the dark-haired male standing in front of him. “Tch, of course it's you, Itachi. You can't keep my name out of your blasphemous whore mouth, can you? Not that I can blame you, but six fucking months in a tank together wasn’t enough, you still gotta talk about me to complete strangers?” the clearly-named Hidan looked Deidara up and down. “Who the fuck is the trap?”

_Trap?_

Deidara clenched a fist but bit back his retort, not wanting to attract police attention any further than Hidan no doubt already was with his ridiculously loud mouth and colorful jargon. “It’s Deidara, hm!”

“Well _lah-di-da!_ I’m Hidan, this piece of shit is Itachi. What the fuck did you do?”

“Pardon?”

“What. the _fuck._ did you do?” Hidan repeated, crossing his arms over his plain black v-neck t-shirt clad chest with a roll of his eyes.

“Oh. _Oh!_ You want to know what I was arrested for, hm,” Deidara said in understanding. “I kind of...” he hesitated briefly. Why was he telling these strangers about what crime he had committed? They didn’t need to know his business.

“Don’t pussy out now, Princess. I'll even tell you what we're here for first if it'll loosen that tongue," Hidan smirked. “I got an assault charge. Itchy is here for his second DWI. Now, see how fucking easy that was?"

Of course he was here for an assault. He seemed the type. Deidara sighed and scratched his scalp, but opened his mouth anyways and spoke despite his reluctance. “I sold fireworks during a burn ban.”

They didn't need to know about him accidentally setting one off, starting a chain reaction of colorful explosions and the resulting warehouse fire. The arson charge was still pending further investigation.

Hidan deadpanned for a moment before letting out a whooping laugh that garnered the attention of quite a few onlookers standing in single file waiting to be patted down. “Are you _FUCKING SHITTING ME._ That’s it? That’s your _big fucking crime!?"_ he broke out into another bout of hysterical laughter, slapping his jean-clad thigh in glee. 

Even Itachi looked mildly amused as he put his hair up into a ponytail with a hair tie. “The criminal justice system really is quite flawed, don’t you think?” the Uchiha mused, small smile ghosting his lips.

“No fucking duh, hm. I really don’t belong here with the likes of you two...” Deidara replied bitterly. That reaction was exactly why he didn't want to say anything, because truthfully, it was pathetic, the reason he was here. He faced forward as the line moved and inched closer to Officer Hoshigaki, the policeman running a wand over bodies and patting them down thoroughly for contraband.

“That’s for damned sure, you don't.”

“Hidan, face forward. It’s almost our turn.”

Hidan whirled around and faced front, plastering on a cheeky, faux innocent grin as he approached the front of the line. He held out his arms and smirked. “Officer, did you miss me? Come on, you know you wanna run that wand all over this, you filthy heretic.”

Kisame rolled his eyes, and ran a bronze-skinned hand through his spiked dark hair, the emerging sunlight picking up the hidden blue lowlights. This job sometimes. This damned job. “Don’t make me send you back to the judge. You don’t have many chances left in the program, and you know CSO Hoku will be angry with you if you continue to cut up.”

“Ffft!” Hidan rolled his oddly-colored eyes sardonically as Kisame finished patting down his person and ran the wand over his outstretched arms and down his legs. “Fuck you and that money-grubbing old geezer.”

“You committed assault, Hidan. What did you think would happ--” the officer balked as the metal detecting wand picked up something over Hidan’s groin area. “...Again? I told you to take that out.”

“It ain’t gonna happen! Hey, Itachi, watch this!” Hidan grinned and starting lilting and thrusting his pelvic area, the detection wand going off in an almost musical rhythm. 

Kisame did not look amused.

“Dear lord...” Itachi covered his face with his hand in exasperation and lifted a foot, elegantly planting it in Hidan’s backside squarely to move him out of the way. 

Hidan cackled in reply, ignoring the kick to his posterior and walking over to the police van that held the lunches and water kegs, and fluorescent vests that all probates had to don while working, visibly deeming them under the supervision of the county jail. He sifted through the large black plastic bin, looking for a vest that looked like it hadn’t been through hell and back, though the task was more difficult with Officer Z eyeing him, silently pressuring him to hurry the fuck up. “All right, all right!” he relented when he saw the man place his hand on his taser in warning. Hidan grabbed a shoddy-looking vest in annoyance and scampered far away from the officer. 

Itachi calmly held out his arms and regarded Kisame with a tiny smile. “Officer,” he said in acknowledgement. 

“Itachi.” Kisame nodded in response, his facial expression gentling. 

It didn’t go unnoticed to Deidara. He watched entranced and fixated at the almost tender way the officer ran his hands along Itachi’s willowy arms and down his thin, lightly muscled legs. 

Was there something going on there?

“Have you been behaving and continuing to abstain from drinking?” Kisame questioned the Uchiha, voice low as he finished his physical inspection and began running the wand over the smaller male’s person. 

"You and I both know I haven't had a drop, Officer,” Itachi said almost lucidly, garnet eyes following every movement the policeman made on his body.

“Aha, that's true... but you’ve been doing very well. You’re a hard worker, and I’ve made sure the judge is aware of that. You haven’t much time left, so keep it up.”

“Of course,” Itachi stepped aside after the officer finished his search, and he walked over to the van and plucked a vest from the bin, clearly uninterested as Hidan had been in the appearance of the article.

Deidara stepped forward and held out his arms like he’d seen the other two men do. 

“Deidara Sei, right? It’s your first day,” Kisame made quick work of patting down the blond, purposeful in his motions and taking no time to linger like he had done the raven. “You should know the rules from your instruction packet you got before you came here, but allow me to elaborate on it further. Firstly, your jeans are too tight. Don’t wear them next time or you’ll be sent home and have to see your judge on the following Monday to explain why you were dismissed from the program for the day. Second, leave all your belongings in your car. Be here promptly at 7, even one minute late, and you will be counted as absent for the day and will have to visit...?” 

“The judge.” Deidara finished.

“Correct. Now, if you have a folding chair, you can bring it to sit in in between jobs, but only when you report to work at the gun range,” the police officer motioned to some of the probates that had folding lawn chairs under their arms. “You cannot bring your own lunch, one will be provided for you. Restroom and water breaks will be designated, so go before we begin work, otherwise you’ll be shit out of luck. This will be hard physical labor, so come prepared to sweat. No mingling with the females. This is not a dating service. Do what you’re supposed to, and your work will be acknowledged. The better reports I can give to your probation officer and to your judge, the better off you will fare. Any other questions?” Kisame asked, finishing up his search of the smaller man and raising a brow in anticipation. 

“No, sir.”

“All right. Go get a vest and put it on. We’ll give you your work assignments shortly, but in the meantime we’ll be heading to the pavilion. Also, you’ll want to consider doing like Mr. Uchiha and putting your hair up, especially when we begin work at the food bank.”

“Yes, sir,” Deidara nodded, letting his arms relax at his side and walking over to the van. He grabbed a fluorescent yellow vest, the lettering of the name of the county jail peeling in spots. It also had a vaguely strange scent to it, some manner of odd body odor perhaps. It didn’t appear these were washed regularly. He wrinkled his nose as he put it on while walking towards the covered pavilion nearby, and looked around, eyes settling back on Itachi and Hidan, the two sitting down on the concrete and conversing amongst themselves. Deidara didn't really want to be alone, and they had spoken to him first, so he took the initiative and strolled over towards the pair and uneasily settled himself Indian-style in between the two, feeling relieved when both men didn't seem keen to question his presence amongst them.

“Are you nervous?” Itachi questioned the blond.

“I just don’t want to fuck this up, hm. This is going to be hard, and I don’t want to make it any more so than necessary,” Deidara said simply while watching the other persons in the line get searched and patted down. 

He visually zeroed in on a flagrantly red-haired man, slightly shorter than he was, with sort of sleepy, doe-brown eyes that were intently transfixed on him. 

Why was he staring at him like that? Deidara immediately broke eye contact, feeling suddenly self-conscious and contented himself with staring down at his red Chuck Taylors, though he was completely aware that the other guy had not stopped looking at him.

“Sasori.”

“Hm?”

“His name is Sasori,” the raven nodded at the redhead. “I don’t exactly know what he did to be here, he doesn’t really talk to anyone. I only know his name because of roll call.”

“Hey, Itchy. Did you find out yet if they’re gonna put you in class with me?” Hidan chimed in, changing the subject. 

“Oh. Yes, it appears that way. Are you still having to do anger management courses in addition to the substance abuse class?”

“It’s fuckin’ bullshit, but Kakuzu thinks I could _‘learn something from it’_...” Hidan finished with a roll of his eyes, nibbling at his thumbnail as he spoke scathingly. 

As Itachi and Hidan continued discussing their respective requirements for completing their probation terms, Deidara tuned them out in favor of chancing another look at the now-named Sasori as the other man walked past him and set up and made himself comfortable in the black lawn chair he was carrying under his arm.

He was oddly attractive, that much was obvious. Officer Hoshigaki’s words rang in his head like a mantra. 

_“This is not a dating service.”_

No shit it wasn’t. Deidara knew that he wouldn’t find any individual of quality here. Everyone was a criminal of varying offenses much worse than what he had committed. Not exactly the sort of person you would want to take home to show off, nor would you necessarily be so eager to regale others with the thrilling tale of how you met. _‘Just stop looking. There’s nothing here for you. Just serve your hours and get it over with...’_

Sasori really was nice to look at, though. There was nothing wrong with looking.

“Yoo- _hoo_ , anybody home in there, fucker?!”

Deidara jumped, eyes widening as Hidan’s loud vibrato rung in his ears. “The fuck, hm?!”

“They’re gonna give work assignments in a bit. Officer Z just said if anyone needs to use the john to fucking follow him. You good?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’m good, hm.”

\-----------------------------------------------

He really wasn’t good.

Deidara wiped the sweat collecting on his brow, shielding his eyes as he glanced up at the pulsing July sun beating down on top of his head. He understood now why he’d been advised to put up his hair. This was grueling, and the sweat accumulating on his scalp was further weighing down his long, blond locks. 

He and a various motley crew of other probates, including Itachi and Hidan, were currently trimming the various foliage and trees. Others were raking up needles and pine cones and stuffing them into oversized black garbage bags. 

“Timber, you _fuckin’ heathen shits!"_ Hidan whooped from his perch on a step ladder, a large tree branch crashing down onto the ground. He grinned as it narrowly missed an unaware probate, and eagerly returned to hand-sawing in hopes that the next one would hit a mark. 

“Into the pile, come on, you lot,” Kisame rolled his eyes and gestured to the sizeable number of large branches that had already been cut down and arranged haphazardly in one spot for easy disposal later.

Deidara grabbed one end, and Itachi joined him at the other, the two working in tandem and lifting the freshly-cut branch and carrying it over to join its mates, the bark and smaller twigs scraping at their bare hands and leaving a small laceration on his forearm, in Itachi’s case.

“Cut down the two off to the side, then we’ll break for water.”

Tossing the branch into the pile together, Itachi turned to look at Deidara with a pointed expression, eyeing the blond as the younger wiped more sweat off of his brow. “Are you going to be alright?”

“I’m fine, hm. Just not really used to using my hands for physical jobs like this. I’m more the artsy type, hm!” Deidara waved off his concern with a scraped palm.

“Just prepare yourself. I overheard Officer Z and Officer Hoshigaki discussing having a group of us dig out and pull up that old rotting tree stump over there after we break for lunch.”

“...I heard they give us the same thing to eat every time we report for work, hm.”

Itachi smirked and nodded in confirmation. “You’ll never want to consume another apple or peanut butter and jelly sandwich again after you get out of this program, I guarantee it.”

Deidara groaned while picking up some stray twigs and tossing them into the pile to join the large branches. Peanut butter and jelly wasn’t exactly his favorite to begin with. “Hey, I know it's not really my business, but what's up with you and Officer Hoshigaki? Is there something going on between the two of you?”

Itachi’s eyes flashed and the neutral expression on his face darkened considerably. “You are correct when you say it isn't your business. Luckily for you, there's nothing there to speak of.”

Deidara held up his hands and blinked, promptly shutting his mouth. _‘Well all right then...’_

“All right men, let’s break for water! Single-file in front of me, hurry it along now!”

Thank God. Deidara already knew he was becoming dehydrated. The inside of his mouth felt drier than a desert, and his head was throbbing painfully from impending migraine. He’d no doubt have to take a handful of ibuprofen the second he got in his car. Sometimes his migraines got so bad that he’d pass out; it wouldn’t do for such a thing to happen while he was driving on the freeway in the beginnings of rush hour traffic.

He trudged slowly with the rest of the probates to the large covered pavilion, bullet hole-ridden shooting targets hung up and a multitude of casings strewn all over the concrete, some in small piles no doubt swept up by the small group of women already sitting off to the side in their chairs, had they brought them, and drinking their fill of water whilst segregated from the men. 

“The bitches get it fuckin’ easy...” Hidan muttered, wedging himself in line behind Deidara. “They hardly do anything except sit around and gossip.”

“There’s not a lot of them, though. It makes sense to give them more menial tasks that can be done quickly, hm.” 

“Feh.” 

The line to the water keg slowly inched along, some taking their cups to their chairs and plunking down tiredly. Deidara mentally made a reminder to go to the sports equipment store near his studio apartment. Sitting on the hard concrete was unpleasant. 

“Hey, keep track of your water cup, too. They only let you have one, stingy motherfuckers,” Hidan warned. 

Finally making it to the water cooler, Deidara grabbed a cup from the opened stack of them on the table the keg was on top of and filled it up, promptly chugging it down and pouring another, this time choosing to sip at it slowly lest he get nauseated as he looked around for Itachi. The other man in question was talking to Officer Hoshigaki and drinking from a cup of water as well.

Thankfully there was a faint breeze on the wind to cool them down further in addition to rehydrating.

“Fuuuuuck.”

Hidan stood next to the blond, lifting up his shirt and exposing the sheen of sweat on his muscled abs and a small trail of hairs leading down from his navel that were as light as the ones on his head. Violet eyes came to settle upon Itachi and Kisame as well as he took note of Deidara’s line of vision. “They’re fucking,” he said simply with a shrug and a sip of water. 

“I tried asking Itachi about it earlier--”

“Tch, like he'd tell you shit. I'm telling you though, I _know_ they’re fucking. I saw our good officer blowing Itchy a couple weeks ago when we were working the food bank. Those stupid shits thought they were allll alone... Nope. I saw everything. They don’t know that I know. I could get Hoshigaki fired if I felt like it.”

“Are you going to?”

Hidan paused and looked thoughtful. “...Nah. Itachi and I are best friends. His secrets are my secrets. I’m a pretty fucking nice guy, in case you haven’t noticed, Barbie.”

Deidara twitched visibly in annoyance at the ‘Barbie’ moniker. What was with this guy and his nicknames? “You said you were here for assault, right? What did you do?” he said, changing the subject.

Hidan grinned, fanning his abs with the hem of his shirt. “I beat the shit out of my fucking heretic-ass therapist. He told me I ‘suffer from religious psychosis’, the complete blasphemy of it! My God is real and nobody will ever tell me otherwise. I'd even go so far to kill a man for insulting Jashin's great name in my presence!"

He was awfully casual about it.

“...Isn’t Jashinism some kind of cult, hm?”

In the blink of an eye, Deidara had a hand fisted in his black and aqua-striped t-shirt and an angry zealot in his personal space. “You wanna say that again?” the taller man’s voice did nothing to conceal the irritation and anger in his tone.

“I said nothing! I said _nothing_ , hm!” the teal-eyed male said quickly, hoping to placate the other before he became the next assault filed on Hidan’s record. 

“That’s what I thought. Hey, be a good Mattel knock-off and go get me another cup of water. I’m gonna go piss Itachi off.”

Deidara blinked as Hidan shoved his cup into his chest, and watched as the other man sauntered off with malicious intent in his eyes. 

What a fucking _asshole._

\-----------------------------------------------

“Are you gonna eat your creme pie thingy?”

Itachi wordlessly tossed his packaged oatmeal creme pie over in Hidan’s general direction, a look of annoyance plastered on his face. He had been wearing that expression for a while now. No doubt Hidan had been successful in his purposeful pursuit to piss the other off. 

“Thanks.”

Deidara bit unenthusiastically into his bruised apple, completely uninterested in the pre-packaged jelly and peanut butter packets and soggy white bread in his lunch bag.

“If you’re not gonna eat your sandwich, sometimes there’s leftover lunches, maybe Hoshigaki will let you have the apples from them. They just toss them away otherwise. It's a real fucking waste.”

“Maybe, hm. Do any of you know what time it is?”

The raven glanced over at Kisame and waved to get his attention. Once dark-colored eyes were focused on the Uchiha, he tapped his wrist with his index finger pointedly, Kisame nodding in understanding and glancing down at his watch. The officer held up a single index finger, then three, and then curled his hand into an ‘o’ shape. 

“1:30. We have another hour and a half left and then we’ll be dismissed,” Itachi said matter-of-factly.

The blond looked back over at their supervising officer. “You think he’s from around here?”

“He’s from Waikoloa Village, Hawaii.”

Both Deidara and Hidan raised eyebrows at the intimate knowledge. 

“What? I talk to him sometimes,” the Uchiha shrugged nonchalantly.

Hidan waited until Itachi’s attentions were focused elsewhere before mouthing to Deidara, _‘I told you.’_

A small smirk graced Deidara’s lips as he bit into his apple again. “So... Itachi...”

“Hm?”

He felt emboldened by the knowledge of the raven's secret. “What kinds of things do you talk about with Officer Hoshigaki, hm?” Deidara’s smirk widened into a full-on leering grin.

Itachi was unfazed. “Our conversations are rather brief, as he is supervising many other persons besides myself. I can’t really say what all we discuss, the topics are varied.”

Well, he was certainly locked up tighter than a bank vault when it came to the officer, Deidara thought with a tiny hint of admiration for the raven's discretion.

“Lunch ends in fifteen! Be prepared to resume your assigned tasks!” 

The blond groaned. He’d been one of the ‘lucky’ ones to be asked to assist in the digging and removal of the rotted tree stump. 

_“You’re scrawny. Let’s put some meat on those bones...”_

He shivered as he remembered Officer Z’s gravelly baritone in his ear before the man had roughly thrust a shovel into his arms. Deidara could have sworn he’d heard the man whispering to himself as he walked off to choose more probates to complete the tree removal with the blond. “Hey, what are you both doing, hm?”

“Still sawing down tree limbs. I hope I kill someone,” Hidan’s voice was completely innocent as he spoke, but his eyes betrayed devil’s intent. At Deidara’s balking expression, he guffawed loudly and grinned, “I’m just kidding, Barbie!”

Except the teal-eyed man had a lingering feeling that if he could get away with it and make it seem like an accident, he really would do it. What kind of lunatic was he?

He was jostled from his thoughts of the religious zealot by the sound of trash being thrown into the nearby receptacle. Glancing up, his heart did a backflip in his chest cavity at the sight of Sasori. What a weird feeling... 

The redhead was looking at him again intently. Deidara opened his mouth to say something, anything, but just as quickly as Sasori had approached, he was already retreating to his lonesome corner by himself, no other probates in his near vicinity. 

“He clearly wants you," Hidan said plainly with a bored expression on his face and a wide yawn.

\-----------------------------------------------

Deidara was sprawled out flat on his back on the concrete of the pavilion, cheeks ruddy and sweat dripping down his temples, moistened hair fanning out like a halo. “Why fucking me, hm.”

“Don’t feel like you’ve been singled out. They always give the new ones the toughest task of the day based on where we’re located,” Itachi did a much better job of hiding his discomfort. His bangs were plastered to his face with sweat, but his expression remained blase despite his overheated body. “Did you drive here?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you stay out near the meatpacking district by chance?”

“It’s on the way to me... I’m in the shipping district, hm.”

“That’s right. You said you were the artsy type, it makes sense you would be in that area. I wanted to ask you a favor, though I know we’ve only just met today...” Itachi paused and leaned over the blond to make direct eye contact with him. “I believe you will be someone I can place my trust in. And please understand, I don't say that lightly. I have a good feeling about you."

Deidara sat up fully, crossing his legs and letting his arms relax loosely atop his thighs. “What’s up, hm?”

“It’s more for Hidan than for me. He and I were jailed together and we became close. I usually take him home, but I have a pressing matter to attend to that prevents me from doing so. I would be grateful if you could step in and take my place.”

The blond narrowed his eyes. “I don't know... You seem sane enough, but is he going to kidnap me if I give him a ride to his place?”

“Hidan is rough around the edges and a ridiculous zealot, but he is honest, and he is loyal. I think you both could make this experience easier for each other. I promise you, you won't find anyone else that will keep you on your toes like he will. It could be good for you during this.”

 _Sigh._

“I can already tell you're one of those really sensible types, hm.”

“I have six weeks left. Hidan won’t be done until October. If he has someone he can have a camaraderie with, he will be more likely to complete the program successfully. And I honestly think you two will get along quite swimmingly."

Deidara scoffed audibly. He wasn't entirely sure of that assessment. “Hidan really does have to be everyone’s problem, doesn’t he?”

“Yes, I suppose he does. But it’s no fault of his own. He grew up in foster care being passed from home-to-home without ever knowing who his family is. Surely that is bound to fuck with someone a little bit.”

It was the first time today the blond had heard the Uchiha curse. It sounded foreign coming out of his mouth, like it was something he didn’t resort to often unless it really needed to be said. But then again, all of Itachi’s speech was purposeful. He didn’t seem the type to waste words if they were unnecessary. “Fine, fine. I’ll hold his hand for him, but only because you're vouching for him, hm!”

Despite his hesitance, Itachi's words had held a ring of truth to them. Deidara knew he wouldn’t be able to endure this without someone to lean on, and he didn’t have many friends. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, getting to know him and Hidan.

“How about you hold this dick.”

Both men looked up to see Hidan leering down at them with his arms crossing his chest, a mischievous grin on his face. 

“Not my type, hm!” Deidara spat in retort. 

“I’m everyone’s type. They just don’t know it yet!” the silver-haired male waved a hand flippantly. “Hey, the rest of us are done. They’re going to start calling us for paperwork soon.”

“Paperwork?”

“At the end of each work day, we are called by our last names in alphabetical order to come up and sign and thumb print a document that they give to your judge and CSO as proof of your attendance to the program. It keeps track of the hours you serve as well,” Itachi elaborated.

_“Ladies and gentlemen!”_

Kisame’s booming voice cut through all the various chatter and conversations. _“It’s that time again! When we call your name, come up to the desk and sign your shit! We will call your name only once, so pay attention, otherwise you will not receive credit for your work! Ink pads are on the table, so are pens! DO NOT KEEP MY PENS! Listen for your name from Officer Z!”_

Zetsu stood up and cleared his throat, holding a clipboard and scanning the multitude of bodies. “Hoshigaki.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Kisame inhaled sharply and elevated his voice again to be heard clearly. _“If today is your last work day, we’ll be giving you a proper send-off! You will be expected to clean the restrooms, and they better be spotless! Nobody leaves until this task is done!”_

“Itachi, your boyfriend’s a douchenozzle,” Hidan murmured lowly, garnering a pointed glare in response that made him snicker. 

“When I call your name, please come up. And let’s try to move this along quickly,” Zetsu grumbled, calling off the first few names, two at a time. 

“Hey, you’re taking me home today, right Itchy?” 

“Actually, our new friend has so graciously offered to step in and take you home. I have a matter to attend to after this.”

Hidan looked pointedly at Deidara and curled his hand into a fist, bringing it up towards his mouth and moving it back and forth, tongue pressing against his cheek as he made a mimicry of a more lewd action, eyes narrowing and head nodding in the raven’s direction. 

Deidara audibly snorted. “Do you mind if I smoke, Hidan?”

“Not unless you share.”

_“Akasuna, Sasori!”_

The redhead got to his feet as his name was called and walked over to the table where Kisame and another blond, high ponytailed officer were sitting, the woman blowing bubbles with the gum in her mouth and texting rapidly on her purple-cased cellphone, complete with a cutesy little phone charm.

“Yamanaka, do you really have to do that now?” Kisame muttered to his clearly-younger co-worker.

“I’m texting my husband, Hoshigaki. Do you need something?” she said in a bored tone, clearly not wanting to be here. 

Sasori rolled his eyes. Women were ridiculous creatures. He signed his signature fluidly and pressed his thumb quickly onto the inkpad and onto the document listing his offense, a photograph of his police mugshot, his cause and case number, and how many hours he had left remaining. Seven more weeks. He was so close to being finished. 

Walking back, he couldn’t help but pause and stare again at the newest probate, this time lingering on his form a little before he went back to his folding chair and sat down as if he’d never been eyeing the blond at all. 

Slowly but surely, more names were called, the list whittling down. 

_“Nara, Shikamaru!”_

Kisame grinned blatantly as the bored-looking man approached the table as his name was called. “Congratulations! It’s your last day with us! Have fun!” he exclaimed as he shoved a mop into the uninterested, pineapple-headed male’s hands. 

“What a pain...” the guy had groaned. 

Hidan snickered and covered his mouth with his hand. “I love watching that lazy fucking heathen suffer.”

_“San, Hidan!”_

The violet-eyed man let out a whoop as his name was called, and he ushered to his feet and over to the desk.

_“Sei, Deidara!”_

“Hey, lemme see your mugshot!” Hidan nosed, looked over at Deidara’s paper when the other approached and began signing his document. 

“Oy, back off or you’ll be walking, hm!” 

“So cruel...”

The last few remaining names were called, and the paperwork was filed and gathered by all officers present. At this point most probates were simply standing around idling, some with their chairs under their arms in preparation for the day to end. 

“Time to pack it in... Uchiha, come carry this for me!” Kisame motioned for the raven to come over to the table, files neatly organized and the officer’s laptop in its case. 

“Sei.”

Deidara was jarred from his thoughts by Zetsu’s voice, and the officer holding out his laptop case for him to carry back to the police van. “Carry it for me. Follow Uchiha.”

“Have fun, Babs!” Hidan supplied cheerfully with a wave, clearly pleased to not have been chosen to do any manner of ridiculous lackey work. 

“Eat me.”

_“Enough, you two."_

God, but Zetsu creeped the hell out of Deidara. His shiny tag emblazoned with his name, _Z. Gai_ was blinding in the sunlight. It made the blond wince and his eyes water, causing him to immediately look away. The laptop case swung from side-to-side in time with his footsteps as Deidara walked behind Itachi and Kisame, the bifurcated officer to his right escorting him matching stride with him easily.

Once they approached the police van did Zetsu break pace with Deidara to unlock the back of the vehicle with the keys positioned on his hip near his taser. Another key unlocked the large black plastic bin of vests. “Files in the back seat behind the driver’s side. Laptops go on the passenger floor,” Kisame instructed, more for benefit of the blond probate. “Toss your vests in the bin and go stand off over there. We’ll dismiss you once the rest of the group has arrived and turned in theirs.”

“Itachi, hm.”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for today. For being nice to me,” Deidara glanced off to the side once the two were standing alone, the vulnerability in his tone making him feel self-conscious. He wasn’t open with people like this, but Itachi, he made it feel like you could be so with no judgements. There was just something about his demeanor. “I appreciate it, hm.”

“You looked like you could use a friend. You don’t have many of them, do you?” a hint of a smile appeared on the Uchiha’s lips. “Maybe in due time when we feel more comfortable around each other you will tell me the rest of your story, and I shall share with you mine.”

“I would like that, hm.”

“Miss me, bitches?” Hidan suddenly appeared in between them sans vest, wrapping an arm loosely around the shoulders of both men, height difference now evident as he was in close proximity to both Deidara and Itachi. “Y’all are a bunch of fuckin’ shorties.”

“I may be shorter than you, but at least I didn't torture small animals as a kid, hm!” Deidara stuck his nose in the air, shrugging the taller man’s arm off. 

“Oh Babs, I’m hurt by such a statement!” the silver-haired male clutched his chest, the shock on his face completely inauthentic and fabricated. “You know, not all us head-cases are into that.”

“Could’ve fooled me, you useless paperclip.”

“Play nice, children,” Itachi interrupted quickly in an attempt to de-escalate before Deidara said something that would legitimately piss Hidan off. He was unsurprised in the slightest that they were butting heads. From what little he had seen of the blond and what he knew of about Hidan, and he did know the silver-haired man, both appeared loud, boisterous, and blunt. Their bickering was to be expected.

_“All eyes on me, you bunch of degenerates!”_

Kisame waited until approximately a hundred sets of eyes were on him before continuing. “We’ll be meeting here again at the range on Thursday! Those of you given warnings for being out of dress code, come prepared and appropriately dressed or there will be consequences! Now, you’re dismissed, but please walk calmly to your vehicl--” he was cut off by the crowd already scrambling and running towards their cars. _“I said calmly, goddammit!”_

The muscled officer threw his hands up in the air and sighed as no one listened. “Perhaps I should be a bit more forceful?” he questioned out loud to himself thoughtfully.

“I’ll see you two on Thursday. Don’t kill each other,” Itachi said, placing a hand fondly on the silver-haired man’s shoulder, and giving a nod towards Deidara.

“Yes, _mother_.”

“Hm!”

Itachi sauntered off, and when he was a reasonable distance away and both Hidan and Deidara had their backs to him, he turned to face forward and waited until Kisame’s eyes locked onto his before issuing the officer a subtle wink. 

The quick raise of eyebrows and grin he received in return made his heart thud particularly hard in his chest. 

“He’s a mother hen, isn’t he, hm?”

“You have no idea. Let’s get the fuck out of here. I’m in dire need of a smoke. Let me bum one off you?”

“You leech!”

“Aw come on, Itachi clearly wants us to be friends, so let's be friends, Barbie. Now be a pal and gimme one. That’s what a friend would do!”

“OK, but I haven't decided that yet! C'mon, let's go. My car's this way.”

“You wound me so!” Hidan replied with a grin as he followed after the blond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really just wanted to write pornography, I do not understand how it morphed into multi-chapter series on its own...


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you were charmed enough to continue to stick by me as I write this out. If so, welcome back and please enjoy. Make yourself a coffee, curl up with a warm blanket. And as always, if you like what you read, please consider leaving kudos or a review.  
> I’ve set myself a 4000-word minimum, so please expect each chapter to be nice and long for your reading pleasure. There will be less dialogue and more descriptive paragraphs in this chapter.  
> I always get nervous whenever I write something new, aaa! ;;;

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Two_

Whoever came up with the police siren ringtone was an absolute genius. Nothing got Deidara out of bed quicker than the dreaded sound, so he always used it as the tone for his alarm. And right promptly at 6 am, his phone went off and the blond jolted awake.

 _“It’s not my chronic, hm!”_ he yelled out half-awake, looking around sleepily until he realized he was in his own bed. Letting out a groan, he felt around his bedside table until his hand landed on top of a lighter and a pack of menthol Newports. Picking up the flimsy box, he flung his bedcovers and sheet off his body and fished a cigarette out between his teeth, lighting it up and tossing the pack back on the table. Taking a deep drag, he got to his feet and padded over to his bathroom in darkness, white smoke wisping from his nostrils and tickling his septum piercing. 

Turning on his bathroom light, he made quick work of his morning ablutions and washed his hands thoroughly. Setting down his cigarette in the conveniently placed ashtray (they were all around his studio apartment) on the sink, he grabbed an aerosol can of dry shampoo, having showered the night before, his long blond locks needing only a slight refresh. Stepping out of the bathroom, he sprayed the can a few inches away from his scalp, and wildly ran his fingers all throughout until his mane was a tangled, unsightly mess. 

Recapping the can, he went back into the bathroom and promptly deposited his cigarette back between his lips, a small line of circular ash having gathered at the cherried tip. His wild hair was tamed back into place with a few runs of his hairbrush and styled into a small half-pony situated on top of his head, the back left loose and free. 

Staring at his shirtless reflection, he looked at the deep scars on his upper right bicep, some from burns, and one highly visible mark betraying where stitches had once been in place. Sometimes he still had fits of muscle weakness in the area. 

The sound of cargo vessel horns could be heard faintly from outside, the sky still pitch-black in accordance with the seasonal time schedule. Deidara lived in the shipping district of the city, and the main port was less than five miles away from his apartment. He loved the sounds, they were inspiring for his art. Unfinished clay pieces were settled on almost every surface in the open-concept space, even in the most bizarre of places, like the kitchen countertops. Various containers of gunpowder for creating fireworks were what occupied the spaces in his cupboards mostly--very little food was to be found.

The entire studio apartment was one giant fire hazard, really. One would think after the accident and nearly losing an arm that the blond would be more careful with his surroundings, but Deidara believed that life, like art, was fleeting. If he was meant to die, he was meant to die, whether it be in his sleep from old age or in a fiery blaze of gloriously bright, beautiful colors. 

Wrinkling his nose as his stomach growled, Deidara opened up the door to his refrigerator and grimaced as he picked up a container of expired milk. He often became very consumed in his creative process and forgot to eat. If he wasn’t too tired after the work program today, perhaps he would go grocery shopping. In the meantime, a dollar sausage biscuit from McDonalds and one of their knock-off Starbucks frappucinos was what would be on the menu as he drove to the gun range. 

His phone vibrated in receipt of a text message. Deidara picked it up and rolled his eyes when he saw the sender had a middle finger emoji as their contact name. 

Hidan.

 _‘I missed the bus, come get me I’ll be your best fucking friend.’_

Taking a drag off his cigarette and pausing thoughtfully, Deidara shrugged and nodded his head along to a silent rhythm as he texted back a reply. Hidan had actually been kind of fun to drive home on Tuesday. They both enjoyed loud music and their shared banter was entertaining, each of them countering the other with jabs and verbal barbs. 

_‘Say please.’_

The response text was almost instantaneous.

_‘PLSSSS!!’_

It was quickly followed up by a ridiculous amount of heart emojis and question marks. 

_‘Address.’_

Finishing up his cigarette and snubbing it out in the nearest ashtray, the blond programmed Hidan’s address once he received it into his GPS and texted the other his estimated arrival time, and that they would be stopping for food along the way. Deidara scuttled back into his bathroom and grabbed his toothbrush and paste, quickly brushing his teeth and rinsing with a gargle of mouthwash. 

He began digging in a storage container in the corner near his bed filled with nothing but clothes; his closet space was stuffed full of finished sculptures that he had nowhere else to put. Picking up a pair of looser-fitting jeans, he gave them an experimental sniff and shrugged before putting them on one leg at a time over his boxer-briefs and buttoning them up and zipping the fly. 

He rifled through more clothes until he came across a clean white t-shirt, putting it on quickly and thumbing around for some socks. Unable to find a matching pair, he settled on one sock that had Van Gogh’s sunflowers, the other a pair of otters holding hands. Deidara sat on the edge of his bed and put each sock on a foot and got up, looking around for his red hi-tops that were near the small area rug positioned in front of the door. Plucking them both up in one hand, he again sat down on his bed, jamming a foot in each shoe and tying the laces quickly.

As he pocketed his pack of cigarettes and grabbed his car keys, he sent another text to Hidan that he was on his way, and he locked his front door behind himself, taking the steps down the rusting metal stairs two at a time. His black Toyota Celica wasn’t parked far. It wasn’t fancy like newer models of vehicles, but it blew cold A/C and he could listen to CDs.

Unlocking the driver’s side door and sliding into the seat, the smell of stale marijuana and cigarettes that had long made itself embedded into the fabric of his seats assaulted his nose. He hadn’t smoked anything of a more herbal variety for a few months due to his incarceration, and the familiar scent left an ache in his chest. It was hard having to give it up, but it was only for another year. He cracked the windows and lit another cigarette, key starting the ignition and the CD in his stereo resuming its place where it had been left off at, about two minutes into _‘Dare’_ by the Gorillaz. 

Hidan lived about eight minutes away from where Deidara resided. It was only 6:20, so traffic wasn’t extremely heavy. He made it to the dilapidated building Hidan called home at 6:28 on the dot, and put his car in park in the same area he had done last time he’d dropped the other man off.

Rolling his window down all the way, he leaned his head out, cigarette filter clenched in his teeth as he yelled loudly, _“FUCKING TAXI SERVICE, HMM!”_

Hidan was outside in an instant, wearing the same black v-neck t-shirt he had worn on Tuesday but with a different pair of jeans. “Gimme one,” the silver-haired man said as he slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door to the Celica shut. 

Deidara took a cigarette from his pack and held it to the end of his own, puffing until it was lit and then handing it over to Hidan. “Leech.”

“Mattel knock-off,” Hidan countered evenly, taking the proffered cancer stick and inhaling the nicotine deep into his lungs. “Hair looks cute. Who you trying to impress?”

Teal eyes rolled. “Nobody, you complete dingpot, hm. I just don’t wanna die in the heat like you’re going to!”

“Hey, it’s hard getting to the laundromat. I don’t even know how fucking much longer I’ll even have a place, I’m two months behind on rent!”

“Get a job.”

“Had one. New owner. Background checks required on all new and existing employees. Saw my record and fired me,” Hidan shrugged. 

Deidara winced. “Ouch.”

“Just have to find another restaurant on the bus line or within walking distance and hope they need a dishwasher or busboy. Did you say something about food? I’m starving!”

“Yeah, I’ll buy you something, hm.”

“You’re a pal, Babs,” Hidan grinned. 

Deidara rolled his eyes and said nothing, focusing intently on the road and taking a drag off his cigarette. He tapped the ash gathering on the end on the outside of the window and took another inhalation of nicotine for good measure before tossing the filter. 

“You go through them really fast, don’t you, Chief Smokestack?” the violet-eyed male hadn’t even gotten to the halfway point on the cigarette he was puffing on. 

“I go through three packs a week, hm,” the blond nodded, flipping his turn signal on at the sight of the nearest McDonalds. 

“Must be nice to have disposable income.”

“You know how I told you I make art, right? Turns out I’m not bad at it, hm. I make enough to pay my bills and have a little bit leftover. It’s mostly commission work, but it’s been pretty consistent, hm.”

His fireworks side gig had been profitable as well up until the accident. 

“If only I could make money off religion. I’d preach to the masses from my Jashinist megachurch and it would be _fucking glorious._ Hey, do you want to convert?”

He’d been waiting for that. “No freaking way, hmm!”

“Fucking atheists,” Hidan scowled, but just as quickly his irritated expression was replaced with one of pleasure at the prospect of food as they approached the drive-through. “What’s a cold-brew frappe?” he asked quizzically as he surveyed the menu board through the windshield.

“Iunno.”

“I want one. And a burrito. No, two! And make sure the fuckers don’t give me that shitty hot picante, I want mild.”

_“McDonalds, how may I help you?”_

The blond repeated Hidan’s order and gave his own, watching as everything was tallied up on the drive-through screen. It was less than ten dollars when he was told to pull up to the next window. 

“Oh, I’m a cheap date,” Hidan smirked as Deidara let out a scoff and unbuckled, leaning over his seat and fishing around for his wallet. 

The blond always forgot to bring it inside with him whenever he arrived home. He never carried much cash on his person anyways, preferring like the rest of the modern world to use magic plastic. “You’re just cheap in general, you hussy, hm.”

“It’s like we’ve been friends for-fucking-ever...” the silver-haired man replied dreamily, unfazed.

A small smile hinted Deidara’s lips. Hidan was an asshole, and clinically insane, but he was easy to get along with, especially when the two were alone. They’d texted nearly all of Wednesday, exchanging memes and jail stories along with various other random topics. He’d been so engrossed in it that he completely neglected a sculpture that he had been pretty intent upon finishing that same day.

Deidara’s card was handed back to him along with a receipt, and soon enough the two were sipping on cold brew frozen coffees and on their way to the police gun training range. 

“This ish weawy good... I lohf fooh...” Hidan said between mouthfuls of burrito and picante sauce. 

“Your manners are atrocious, hm.”

Hidan took a sip from his frozen coffee and shrugged in response, swallowing his bite and taking a final puff off his cigarette before it was tossed out the cracked passenger window. “Hey, what is this?” he leaned over fast, and tugged gently at Deidara’s septum piercing. 

“Oy, driving here!”

“I didn’t see it the other day is all!”

“Watch, hm,” Deidara waited until they were at a red light to adjust the jewelry so the two small beads of his curved barbell were hidden up his nostrils. “See?”

“Oh, you sneaky bitch.”

“Weren’t you going off Tuesday down in Australia?”

Hidan cackled audibly, chewing on the straw of his drink. “Yeah, I got a captive bead up top right before it hits my junk. I was high as a kite when I had it done,” he raked his violet eyes down Deidara’s body, leering at him openly. “What else you got?”

Deidara stuck out his tongue and wiggled it, showing off the surface bar piercing it, and before the light turned green, he moved his plain white tee to the side by the collar and revealed tribal-looking ink on his left pectoral. “You’re really nosy, has anyone ever told you that, hm?”

“I _am_ fucking nosy,” Hidan’s cheshire cat grin only widened further. “So...”

“Hm?”

“If you ever wanna bang sometime...”

_“Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la!”_

“Hey, I’m fucking hot, you’re fucking hot, let’s do this.”

“Positively not.”

“Are you sure--”

_“Positively not, hmm!”_

“I suppose it can’t be helped, then,” Hidan finally relented, his grin transforming into a smirk. “Probably for the best, I’d just end up wrecking that ass.”

“Filthy zealot.”

_“Frigid heretic.”_

The rest of the ride to the range was spent in relative silence, the only sounds being chewing of food and sips of frozen coffee beverages and the music from the Celica’s stereo. It was by no means awkward despite the discourse, however. It was comfortable, as if more words didn’t really need to be exchanged. 

Though he wasn’t the least bit interested, it _was_ flattering to have someone openly proposition him like that. They arrived at the range around 6:50, giving them plenty of time to spare. 

“Hey, park next to that black Armada with the rims. That’s Itachi’s.” 

“Classy.”

“He doesn’t smoke, he rarely curses, he’s never done any kind of drugs...” Hidan ticked off each on his fingers, expression incredulous even as he spoke these truths about the Uchiha out loud. “He’s just a genuinely fucking good guy and it’s completely irritating.”

Deidara unbuckled his belt once he parked in the open spot next to Itachi’s, the raven sitting in his car with the engine off and sipping from a tumbler of coffee and thumbing through a novel as he waited. He looked up at the sound of car doors shutting and smiled softly at both Hidan and Deidara, putting his book away in his glove compartment and swallowing down the last vestiges of his morning drink before exiting his own vehicle, alarm chirping as he pocketed his keys. “I see you two have hit it off.”

“Don’t be jealous, Itchy. Plenty of this to go around for everyone!” Hidan teased, stretching his arms open wide for emphasis.

“You are quite ridiculous as always,” Itachi paused to look thoughtfully up at the sky. “It’s going to rain.”

“What the hell are you talking about, you damned weasel? Don’t you get my fucking spirits up like that, the weather said jack flippin’ squat about any rain!” 

Itachi licked the tip of his index finger and held it up, feeling for the direction in which the wind blowed. “It’s coming from the north. The heat and humidity with this cold wind will cause a thunderstorm, possibly a big one. I doubt we will spend a full eight hours here today.”

“I’m still putting my money on the weather report...” Hidan grumbled, but internally he knew the Uchiha was probably right. The shorter male was far more intelligent than he could ever hope to be, and he seemed to have an odd little sixth sense that always proved him right. Absolutely infuriating. But what about Itachi wasn’t?

“Suit yourself, though we both know you have no money to speak of. Shall we, gentlemen?” Itachi gestured eloquently to the quickly-forming line. 

Hidan’s jaw dropped. 

“Wow. He didn't spill the tea, he just smashed the whole damn pot, hmm.”

\-----------------------------------------------

When Itachi Uchiha said something was going to happen, it usually did. He was rarely ever incorrect about anything. Despite this, he was by no means arrogant. So when he felt the first few faint drops of rain on his skin, he said nothing to anyone. No gloating in any sense of fashion. He just continued staining the benches while Deidara and Hidan were repainting the peeling range sign.

 _“Why are you always fucking right, you insufferable cunt!”_

Itachi simply smiled at Hidan despite the other’s angry outburst. “You’ll get paint on your shirt.”

The violet-eyed male pointed his brush threateningly at the raven. _“Tell me your fucking secret, Godless heathen.”_

Before Itachi could respond, the rain started falling down quicker. And then it was really pouring. 

_“All probates, head to the pavilion! Stop what you’re doing now and get walking!”_

Kisame sighed and combed his fingers through his hair, completely unbothered by the rain or how it was soaking his uniform fast. He shook his head as fresh paint began bleeding in rivulets down the range sign. They’d have to call in maintenance to fix that, no way could he have the property looking so slip-shod on his watch.

“What do you want to do, Hoshigaki?” Ino walked up beside him, covering the top of her head with a fashion magazine she had been reading while ‘monitoring’ the women.

“They can’t get anything constructive done like this. It would be different if we were indoors. We’ll have to send them home early.”

Ino sighed and looked at her phone. They hadn’t even made it four hours in. “So do we put on the paperwork that they all served a half-day or do we give them the full eight hour credit?”

“Just give them the full eight hours. Do you really want to take time away from your kid and husband to babysit this lot anymore than you have to?”

“Hell no. Shall I start getting the paperwork ready?” the blond woman nodded her head towards the van. 

“Go for it. I have an umbrella stashed in there,” Kisame replied in affirmative, still completely unbothered by the rain. “Oy, Zetsu! We’re gonna let them go early!” he yelled over to his coworker already standing under the pavilion. 

_“Like that will teach them anything...”_

Deidara took his hair down from the half-pony and squeezed the ends, water dripping onto the concrete. “Are you psychic or something, hm?”

Itachi let out an audible chortle. “I’m flattered you think so, but I’m afraid not.”

“I don’t wanna go home. There’s nothing fucking to do.”

A thoughtful look crossed the raven’s face. His garnet eyes bore into Deidara’s, sparkling. “Perhaps we can convince our friend here to accompany us for the rest of the day?”

“I need to go grocery shopping though, hm.”

“Then I guess we’re all going grocery shopping.”

Deidara opened his mouth to protest, but Itachi gave him an almost insistent expression. “...Fine.”

“Good, it’s settled. Now, shall I follow you to your home and we all go in one vehicle?”

“I’m riding with Babs. He lets me dick with his CDs and he has nicotine,” Hidan cut in with a yawn.

“Yes, I figured that would be the case. Oh, they’re going to start paperwork.”

_WHAM._

Kisame dropped the heavy locked black bin on the concrete, having carried it over on his shoulder as if the thick, reinforced hard plastic container weighed nothing.

Itachi bit his bottom lip but kept his expression stoic as he watched the officer’s muscles ripple in his tight-fitting police button-up.

“What are you thinking about, hm?”

The raven glanced over at Deidara impassively. “Don't worry. It's nothing really of consequence.”

 _“San, Hidan! Come sign your paper please!”_ Ino’s voice cut through the suddenly-intense atmosphere shrilly. 

“Try not to miss me too much,” Hidan grinned and moseyed over to the blond officer plucking a proffered pen from the woman and balancing his document on his thigh and signing it with his signature chicken scratch, dipping his thumb in the ink pad held out to him in the palm of Ino’s hand and pressing it down in the little black box on the piece of paper.

Ino accepted the stapled sheet wordlessly and continued going on down through the list. _“Sei, Deidara! Paper, please!”_

“Once you’ve signed, put your vest in the bin and you are free to go,” Kisame addressed the group of probates. “You’ll receive either a call or text later on this evening informing you of next week’s work location on Tuesday.”

Deidara promptly deposited the ugly fluorescent vest in said black bin and motioned silently for Hidan to follow him, the two breaking out into a jog towards the blond’s car in the parking lot. 

Sasori was standing outside his car under an umbrella, smoking a black-papered cigarette. The teal-eyed blond sort of paused briefly to admire him, he was so statuesque and frankly, elegant. 

The redhead felt eyes boring into him. He glanced over and stared back at Deidara, taking in all of his form, from his damp, plastered saffron hair, and the way his white tee clung to his lightly-muscled frame and did nothing to disguise the tattoo ink over his heart.

_“OY! Take a fucking picture or say something Akasuna, you shitty piece of trash!”_

Hidan’s screech had broke both men’s silent staring of one another, and Sasori wordlessly finished his cigarette and folded his umbrella closed, getting into the driver’s side of his slate grey Jaguar XK.

“He thinks he’s so much freaking better than everyone else. Hey, can you unlock the damned doors? I’m soaking here!”

Deidara fished the keys to the Celica out from his jeans pocket, silently cursing Hidan but also mentally thanking him. Clearly Sasori had some kind of problem, with the way he stared at him. And Deidara wanted to know what the hell it was. Once he and the silver-haired man were both comfortable and buckled in, he fished out his phone, and his pack of cigarettes from the middle console, putting two in his mouth and lighting both and giving one to Hidan. 

“I’ll buy you a pack when I get the money.”

“It’s fine, hm.”

“No. I don’t like to owe anyone anything. Just shut up and fucking accept it.”

He wouldn’t let him win this one, would he? Deidara sighed low in his throat and took a drag off his cigarette wordlessly. 

“...Hey. Do you want me to fuck Sasori up a bit?”

 _“No,_ Hidan. Just leave the guy alone. He clearly has some kind of problem and I’m going to find out what it is by myself,” the teal-eyed male cracked the window so he could exhale the nicotine smoke outside. “You worry about you. I’ve got it, hm.”

Hidan didn’t say anything, quietly puffing away and appearing in deep thought, his free hand dipping into the collar of his shirt and pulling out a rosary. The circle-and-triangle symbol dangling from the beaded chain was clutched tightly in his palm.

“Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?”

“...Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just... you never really fucking anticipate how your life is going to turn out, huh? It’s all a big damned joke sometimes, honestly.”

“What happened to you, hm?”

The silver-haired male had a complacent expression. Hidan took another drag off his cigarette and paused briefly before he opened his mouth. “I just made a lot of really stupid, shitty choices. Did a lot of... still do a lot of stupid, shitty drugs because I couldn’t fucking cope. And then Jashin found me. It gave me a purpose, Deidara. So I really can’t stand it when people say I’m crazy because in Him I finally found some fucking peace.”

It was the first time Hidan had actually said his name properly. 

“Don’t get me wrong. I still want to beat the shit out of everyone, but it’s not as bad. And I’m not using as heavily as I was. So fuck anybody who says I’m not getting better.”

“You feel a little better, hm?” Deidara murmured softly, patting Hidan’s shoulder gingerly.

“Yeah. I fucking do, actually. You’re the first motherfucker other than Itachi I’ve talked about my shit with. Thanks, Babs,” Hidan grinned widely, punching the blond in the shoulder gently. “You _are_ a good friend.”

The intense moment shared between the two was interrupted by the sound of tapping on the driver’s side window. Itachi smiled wryly at the pair and gave a little wave. “I didn’t want to intrude.”

“It’s all good.”

“Hm.”

“Get my number from Hidan. I’ll follow behind, but you can text me your address in case we get separated along the way.”

\-----------------------------------------------

“Hidan... are you going to hold that in your lap the entire way?” Itachi focused the rearview mirror on the other man. Hidan was happily clutching a box of individually packaged beef-flavored ramen.

“You don’t understand. I have _food,”_ he marveled, looking down at his treasure and hugging it tight to his chest. “I love food so fucking much.”

Rain was still coming down in a steady torrent. 

“Do you not eat or something, Hidan?” Deidara blinked, not really understanding the importance and value he was placing on something so miniscule as noodles.

“I only get $192 a month on food stamps and that shit doesn’t last long. I usually run out of stuff to eat while waiting for it to refill. I think I have an egg left and some canned shit. I’m gonna make like three of these tonight.”

“No you’re not. Deidara is going to invite us into his home and we are going to watch a movie and eat a meal together. Aren’t you, Deidara?” Itachi smiled at the blond in such a way that it almost looked like he was silently daring him to refuse. 

“Fuck yeah!” Hidan hollered. “Atta boy, Babs, I knew you were good to chill!”

Deidara wanted to protest; he had a sculpture he needed to finish. But Hidan looked so _happy._ It was hard to refuse that homicidal lunatic when he had such a face. “Fine, hm. But I’m warning you, it’s a mess. There’s bricks of clay and unfinished pieces everywhere.” 

“I’m sure it won’t be a problem. Do you have assigned parking or can I park next to you?”

“It’s first come, first serve, hm.”

Itachi fluidly steered the Nissan into the open spot next to the Celica and killed the ignition. “Hidan, leave your ramen. Let’s help carry in the groceries.”

“Sure thing, Mom.”

Looping a few of the plastic bags around his arms, Deidara dug in his pocket for his keys after getting out of the front passenger side.

“I like this. It’s open-concept, isn’t it? The wall of window panels is a nice touch.”

“Yeah. The space is completely open. The only ‘room’ is the bathroom, hm,” the blond motioned for the other two to follow him up the stairs after Itachi’s car was locked and alarm armed. Wiggling the keys in the lock, Deidara opened the front door and stepped inside. “Hold on, I gotta move a few pieces from the kitchen counters.”

Bags still on his arms, he headed into the kitchen space and moved a few damp sculptures covered loosely in plastic over to the small island. “There. You guys can just drop everything there and I’ll put it away. Remote is in between the couch cushions. Sorry about the cigarette smell, hm.”

Hidan deposited the grocery bags on the designated space and hopped over the top of Deidara’s sofa, landing butt-first roughly onto a cushion and feeling around for the remote. “Do you have Hulu? I love Hulu.”

Deidara opened his refrigerator door and grabbed the expired milk, tossing it into the nearby waste bin. Rummaging through a plastic grocery bag, he put the new carton of milk in the old ones place. A dozen eggs and a block of sharp cheddar cheese joined it. “I have Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon Prime.”

 _“The holy trinity...”_ Hidan marveled, eyes widening as he began fiddling with the flat screen plasma TV and scrolling through movies and TV shows. 

“He’s financially unable to watch a lot of television...” Itachi murmured in a hushed tone. “You have no idea how happy you’ve made him just now.”

“Just from being able to watch Netflix and a box of ramen noodles, though?”

“You’ve never been in Hidan’s apartment. He’s graffitied the walls with spray paint and has only an old sofa he got off of Craigslist for free and a mattress on the floor. If he ever gets money for any reason it usually goes to...” Itachi tapped one of his nostrils. “He’s working on it, but it’s hard for him sometimes. He gets depressed and immediately wants to do _that_ because it makes him feel better,” the Uchiha glanced over at Hidan, who was gleefully scrolling through horror films and completely unaware he was the topic of hushed discussion. “I pity him.” 

“Do you feel obligated to him?”

Itachi shook his head. “Not at all. It is pity that makes me concerned for him. But I have never once felt like he is my personal responsibility. Hidan is resilient.”

“Hmm.”

“If you’d kindly point me in the direction of your cookware, I’ll get started on making us all something.”

“Cupboard above your head. I don’t cook a lot so you may have to use the same pan more than once depending on what you make, hm.”

“I figured, given the pre-cooked microwave dinners you’ve now amassed... How long has it been since you’ve cooked for yourself or had a meal made for you?” 

Deidara paused in the middle of putting away groceries, blinking his teal eyes as he tried to recollect the last time he had eaten something that wasn’t heated up in a microwave. “I don’t remember.”

“We’re friends now. That will change,” Itachi got down a pan and rummaged through the grocery bags until he found a green bell pepper and an onion. 

“Hidan was right. You are a mother hen, hm.”

“It is a title I do not deny or admonish.”

“Huh? Are you guys talking about me?” Hidan looked over the top of the sofa, a horror film playing on the TV. A girl was having her fingernails torn off with a pair of pliers one by one, her bloodcurling screams echoing throughout the apartment space. 

“Watch your movie, Hidan.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice!”

\-----------------------------------------------

_“Don’t touch that, hmm!”_

“What? I was just gonna move it off the coffee table so I could set my plate down,” Hidan blinked.

“Don’t. Touch.” Deidara hissed, protectively, but carefully gathering the unfinished abstract clay sculpture in his hands and setting it on another surface. 

“Shh. It’s getting to the good part,” the Uchiha hushed the pair, biting into a beef fajita and chewing contemplatively as he watched the television screen with unrivaled intensity.

Hidan had been the first to finish his meal. Food was very much a driving force in his life; there was not much he wouldn’t do for it. “Is there any more?”

“Kitchen, hm.”

Hopping over the sofa arm, Hidan trotted into the kitchen and picked up the entire pan filled with beef, and grilled onions and peppers, grabbing a fork and resuming his seat on the sofa as they all watched _Lost Boys._ He dug into the pan of food heartily, occasionally making little noises to assuage his pleasure.

“You’re really a simpleton, Hidan.”

“Huh?” Hidan said, a grilled onion sticking out of his mouth as he chewed audibly. 

“All you need is food and your God to be happy.”

“Prehhymuch...” the silver-haired male swallowed and continued, “But sex is good too. Hey, Barbie, have you thought about reconsidering my off--”

Deidara threw a piece of fajita beef at Hidan.

The violet-eyed male caught it in his mouth with a smirk, causing the blond to scowl. “You aren’t charming at all, hmm!”

“Thank you.”

Itachi ignored them in favor of a young Kiefer Sutherland. His phone buzzed in his pocket loudly. “Pardon me,” he excused himself, getting up slowly from the sofa and setting his plate down on top of Hidan’s empty one. Taking his phone out, his face softened as he saw a text from Kisame.

_‘Hey, babe.’_

Hidan and Deidara were noisily arguing in the background.

_“Come on, I just wanna see what that tongue does...”_

_“Absolutely not, hmm!”_

The raven’s thumbs rapidly touched the screen as he texted a reply.

_‘I miss you. Thank you for coming over Tuesday.’_

_‘Are you sure I should not be thanking you?’_ the message was followed up with an emoji of the pointing finger and closed fist.

Color welled onto Itachi’s cheeks brazenly. 

_‘I can’t keep my hands off of you.’_

_‘Just be careful, Kisa. I think that they’re starting to suspect something.’_

_‘Who, Thing 1 and your new friend, Thing 2?’_

The Uchiha smiled softly, texting back rapidly. _‘Yes. Thing 1 and Thing 2.’_

_‘Ffft. They know nothing, Jon Snow.’_

Itachi actually chortled a little at that. _‘You are adorable sometimes.’_

 _‘No you,’_ was the response, including an engagement ring emoji. _‘So I really texted you because I’m supposed to tell you we’re heading back to the food bank next week. But then I started thinking about Tuesday night and this happened.’_

The screen of Itachi’s phone brightened as he was sent a photo. Garnet eyes widened slightly as he took in the image of Kisame’s rippled abs, and a hand curled around his sizeable length.

_‘Well, fuck.’_

_‘Don’t curse, Itachi. You’re too beautiful for that.’_

“...What are you doing, hm?”

Itachi immediately darkened the screen and shoved his phone in his pocket. “We’ll be at the food bank next week.”

“Hidan, food bank on Tuesday, hmm!”

“I think it’s time for Hidan and myself to depart.”

 _“Aw come on!_ The movie’s not over yet!” 

Itachi walked back over to the coffee table and picked up the plates and pan, depositing them in the kitchen sink. “Let’s not overstay our welcome. Come along, now.”

 _“Jashin fucking fuck fuck fucker,”_ Hidan cursed colorfully, turning off the TV with the remote and smooshing it back in between the sofa cushions. 

“Deidara, thank you for allowing us into your home. Let’s do this again sometime.”

“Yeah, we can, hm.” Deidara leaned in and gave Itachi a brief hug. Turning to look at Hidan, the blond stuck up his middle finger at the other man. “Useless paperclip.”

“Frigid heretic.”

They both leaned in and hugged each other anyways. Hidan leaned in close to whisper into Deidara’s ear. “By the way. I left you a surprise. I wonder how long it will take you to find it?” He released the other from their embrace with a wild grin plastered on his face and trounced out the front door, Itachi following behind.

The second the door latched, Deidara immediately went over to his precious sculptures and began examining them one by one. He let out a noise of horror as he came across Hidan’s surprise: the man had sculpted a penis onto a portrait bust, the unrealistic organ jutting out from the forehead.

_“WHAT THE FUCK, HIDAN, HMM!!!”_

He could hear Hidan’s maniacal laughter from outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hidan, you silly hussy.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally, finally! We get a decent interaction out of Sasori and Deidara. :) I hope you enjoyed the previous chapter as much as I did writing it. And I hope you will enjoy this one as well, too.  
> Grumble grumble Sasori is difficult for me to write at times... *** This is an exercise in patience!

_\-----------------------_

_Fine Young Criminals_

_\------------------------_

_Chapter Three_

“We’re not gonna fuckin’ make it.”

“And whose fault would that be, hmm?!”

“I said I was sorry!”

_“NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”_

Deidara furiously weaved in and out of traffic, going way over the speed limit. It was 6:50 in the morning on Tuesday, and the pair were running behind. Hidan had missed his bus again and contacted him while he was already driving, prompting Deidara to turn around and retrieve him. At this point the blond was seriously considering making it a point to just tote him along in the mornings as well as taking him home after. It would be far more effective time-wise. 

Might as well.

“Stop trying to catch the damned bus in the morning. I'll just take you from now on, given you're on the way anyways.”

“I could fucking kiss you right now, Babs.”

“Save it. Let's just focus on trying to make it to the food bank, hm.” 

The GPS on Deidara’s phone relayed their approximate arrival time to be 6:58. Given this was his first time coming to the food bank, he had no idea what the parking situation was like or where they’d even be lined up at to be searched. 

Both his and Hidan’s phone screens lit up at the same time in receipt of a group text.

_‘Where are you two?’_

“Shit, even Itachi’s wondering where we’re at, hm. Where the hell are we lining up at, and where do I park?” Deidara quipped, hoping that Hidan could at least make himself useful by providing information.

“You’ll go to the back of the building. Drive past it, there’s a huge gated lot. Everyone lines up near the rear receiving doors. We’re gonna have to run for it.”

“Hidan, I’ll really make your life hell if I miss a day because of you and have to go in front of the judge, hm.”

“Hell, huh? Clearly you’ve never met my CSO. He gave me a bloody nose last time we met...” Hidan trailed off, picturing his probation officer’s piercing green eyes, the tattoos on deeply-tanned, muscled arms, and the way his choppy black hair would fall in his face as he yelled. “Oh, I’m waxing poetic.”

“I don’t understand. Why is he putting his hands on you?”

“It’s not like I mean to do it, but somehow I always make him really, really mad. I don’t mind it though when he hurts me. I kind of fucking like it!” the violet-eyed male grinned widely, scratching the back of his scalp sheepishly as he admitted this.

“I knew you were a complete weirdo, hmm.”

“M-Maybe just a bit...”

True to the navigation app on Deidara’s phone, they arrived exactly with two minutes to spare. Quickly pulling into the first parking spot he saw in the lot, the blond furiously took everything out of his pockets and tossed them carelessly in the backseat, slamming his car door shut and taking off like a bullet, Hidan hot on his trail. 

He hadn’t even bothered to lock the damned thing.

Itachi was already waiting for them, wearing his vest. His expression carried a sense of urgency as he watched the pair run across the lot towards the line of probates. Deidara nearly toppled over the person standing at the very end of the line waiting to be searched, his momentum in his sprint making him skid a couple inches as he suddenly came to a stop. 

“Did we... fucking make it...?” Hidan breathed out harshly, slumping over and placing his palms flat on his thighs as he desperately fought to control his ragged exhalations. 

Panting heavily, Deidara looked up and searched for Itachi. When he located him, he gave him an almost wild look of desperation. The Uchiha simply smiled back and nodded. The blond broke out into a wide grin of relief, turning and slapping Hidan on the arm. “We made it, hm...!”

“I’m... really glad I don’t have to see the judge again. That bitch fuckin’ hates me... this is my last chance.”

Wrapping an arm around Hidan’s shoulder, Deidara prodded him square in the chest with his index finger. “No fucking judge for you today!”

“Hell yes.”

They exchanged a high five together and faced forward, watching as the line slowly creeped along. 

When they both finally got up to Kisame, the officer stared them down. “If you had been fourteen seconds later we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Let’s not have this happen again, gentlemen.”

“You got it, Big Blue.”

“Hm!”

The two were quickly patted down and wanded, Hidan’s piercing going off again. “I give up!” Kisame threw a hand up in the air. “Get out of here, you troublemaker. Your friend has been waiting for you. Next time don’t be inconsiderate.”

Donning their vests, Hidan and Deidara stood alongside Itachi. “Please do not make me worry like that again,” the raven murmured lowly, listening as Zetsu began explaining the rules of the facility. 

“It was Hidan’s fault!”

“Oy, bastard, I can't help I sleep like I'm fucking dead!”

“Maybe if you stopped popping pills and snorting coke, hmm!”

Both of them fisted their hands in the other’s t-shirt, violet clashing heatedly with teal. 

“Do you both require a room?” Itachi blinked, not really comprehending how Hidan and Deidara could be perfectly great friends one minute, and then at each other’s throats the next.

“Not in this lifetime!”

“You couldn't handle this dick anyways, Barbie.”

Neither were aware of Zetsu creeping up behind them stealthily. “Having fun, are we? We’ll have to change that...”

Deidara jumped at the harsh baritone, and yelped as he was grabbed roughly by his bad arm and dragged over and away from his friends. 

“Since you seem to think this is a game, let’s separate you from your friends. Hmm... yes, you’ll go with Akasuna today. You both are going to go into the freezers and remove any expired dairy and dispose of it. Perhaps the cold will make you reevaluate exactly why you are here.”

Deidara was turned by his shoulders to face Sasori and shoved into the redhead. “What’s the big freaking idea, hmm?!”

Zetsu was already walking away.

Sasori blinked as he had an armful of blond, but said nothing as he released his hold on him, brushing off the shoulder of Deidara’s shirt for good measure. 

“...Thanks, hm,” Deidara folded his arms across his chest, sulking at being yanked around like he were the officer’s child and not a fully-grown man. _“So...”_ he trailed off, though he wasn’t really expecting Sasori to say something to him, given their previous interactions or rather, lack thereof.

“...Just shut up and follow me.”

The slightly-taller man feigned shock. “It speaks!” 

“...Of course I damn well speak, don’t get cute...” Sasori narrowed his deep brown eyes in annoyance. He’d really been quite happy to just silently observe Deidara and not exchange words with him. What was the point in starting up something that could not be finished? Sasori hated to waste his time, and he did not like wasting others’ as well. 

He was pretty to look at though. Like a post-impressionist painting, he evoked an emotional response from the redhead and was vivacious, without line or form and completely inelegant, but beautiful in his simplicity. And like a painting, he was not something to be touched by human hands, lest that beauty fade and become withered. 

“OK, but you’re always staring at me without saying a word, so how was I to know, hm?”

“You are guilty of the same thing.”

Sasori narrowed his eyes and started walking towards the refrigerated area of the food bank, Deidara hurrying after him and quickly matching pace with him. 

“So why do you do it? Why do you look at me like that? Do you have some kind of a problem?” the blond asked, his tone inquisitive, but also defensive.

“No, it’s not like that. It’s... I just like looking at you, is all.”

Deidara blanched at the reply. “I don’t understand, hm.”

Sasori sighed deeply and stopped walking, turning and facing the other. “What is there to understand? _I like looking at you._ Don’t read anything too deeply into it, nothing will come of it. Come on. Freezer is this way.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“H-Hey, you can’t just say such a thing and walk away... Sasori... Sasori...? Hey!”

“Just trust me. It’s better this way. Now I suggest you prepare yourself.”

Sasori moved the plastic sheeting separating the frozen goods from the refrigerated, and sucked in a breath of air before darting in.

“Better for who-- _THAT’S FUCKING COLD, HMM!”_

It wasn’t just freezing inside. An unpleasant scent was in the air as well. 

The redhead wrinkled his nose and motioned towards the rows of milks, packaged cheeses, and eggs. “Look through everything and take out the expired and molded shit. There’s usually not lot to be thrown, it’s just... a process because there is a lot of it.”

Deidara bounced from one foot to the other, rubbing his hands along his arms to create some heat and friction. “You’ve done this before?”

“Because I keep to myself and don’t cause any trouble, they give me tasks that don’t really require supervision. Maybe you should try it sometime?” Sasori began examining the expiration dates on cartons of milk, brown eyes scanning printed dates quickly. 

“...Maybe I should stick a roman candle up your ass and light it, hm...”

The other man blinked, and looked over his shoulder as the blond began peeking into cartons and boxes of eggs. “...Roman candle?”

“Haven’t you ever lit one? They’re not as spectacular as aerial repeaters... but they’re so beautiful. All colors and light and heat... you have to pay attention or you’ll miss seeing it, because they don’t last long. It’s such a pure form of art.”

Sasori bit down on his lip to control his reaction. Colorful explosions... he really thought that was art? He couldn’t help himself as he broke out into a gale of laughter, covering his mouth with his hand and waving at the other blond when he scowled. “I’m sorry... no, that’s a lie, I’m really not... You think something so ridiculous is considered artistic? You think it has merit and will leave an impression? It figures, you’re so pretty, that there had to be a flaw... who knew it was that you’re dumb as a box of rocks?”

Deidara grit his teeth and clenched his fists tightly. Just who the fuck did Sasori Akasuna think he was? He was about to fully and indiscriminately give him a piece of his mind, the _nerve,_ insulting his view of art...!

Wait.

“You think I’m pretty?”

The redhaired man still had that smug little smile, but it softened considerably. “...You remind me of a Picasso painting called _Le Rêve_... ‘The Dream’. Do you know it?”

Of course he knew it. 

“It was of Picasso’s 22-year-old mistress, Marie-Thérèse Walter. Even now, people talk about that painting, despite both subject and creator being dead for quite a while. Because real art is transcendent, everlasting. It tells stories. Through memory, it becomes immortal. You are like _Le Rêve,_ bright and abstract... your form is without beginning or end.”

Deidara was fully aware of the flush welling up on his cheeks at the older man’s words. “I... don’t know what to say. I never looked at it that way.”

“Because you’re dumb as a box of rocks.”

“I’m gonna throw this box of eggs at you, hmm!!” 

Sasori simply grinned and continued going through cartons of milk.

“Sasori... why are you here?”

“You really want to know? It’s quite a funny story, really.”

Deidara made a disgusted face as he picked up a block of cheese with black mold and fuzz growing inside the packaging. “I’m listening, hm.”

“I’m an artist by profession. I do paintings and make wood carvings. I had been having a bit of a block with a piece I was working on... and a colleague suggested I try smoking marijuana to clear it. I had never done it, I had no idea what I was doing... I was sitting in my car, smoking from a pipe. I was in front of my own apartment and everything... And the haze is intense, but I feel such clarity in spite of it. I feel the block completely lift. I open my car door to go back inside and start painting, and I’m tackled by a police officer, and charged with possession of a controlled substance, and paraphernalia...”

The blond’s teal eyes widened, and he pursed his lips together to muffle his laughter. “So you... you were smoking pot? That’s it?”

Sasori sighed and picked up an expired carton of milk. “I really do not think I belong here.”

“...Same.”

“What happened?”

“You know we have a burn ban in this county... at the time I wasn’t receiving a lot of work for my sculptures, so I decide that since I’m good at making incendiary art, that I would go into business for myself. I found a backer, I made the fireworks, and he stored them in a warehouse until they were sold and distributed. I came to the warehouse one night with a new shipment. It was just me, Yahiko wasn’t around. I was smoking a cigarette, but I thought I was being careful. I snubbed out the filter and just sort of tossed it. But it was still lit. And the next thing I know, aerial repeaters, smoke bombs, roman candles, firecrackers... they’re all going off one by one. Hundreds of thousands of dollars of product lost. A mortar shot a shell at me, and it blew up on my arm. Nearly took it off. And then the fire started...” Deidara paused, and traced his fingertips over the scars on his bicep. “I was taken to the hospital, got stitched up. Next thing I know I’m handcuffed to the hospital bed and being transported to the county jail for illegal distribution of fireworks and arson. You know... hearing myself say all of this out loud... maybe I really do belong here, hmm.”

“That’s... wow. Do your friends know?” 

“...I haven’t told them everything, hmm.”

“So why tell me?”

Exhaling sharply, his breath visible to the naked eye in the chill of the freezer, Deidara looked into Sasori’s sleepy brown eyes impassively. “...I don’t know.”

“...You find anything else that needs to be tossed?”

“All the eggs were good. Just a few blocks of crappy cheese. What about you?”

Sasori held up a few plastic half-gallons of milk. “Same lot number. They’re no good. Let’s get rid of this and go back.”

“Hm.”

\-------------------------------------------

As if their interaction in the freezer had never happened, Sasori and Deidara both resumed their previous staring contests as they each did their respective tasks.

“...Did something happen?” Itachi had asked, concerned. The blond had simply waved him off and continued sweeping up dry pinto beans, a sack of them having burst open at some point. 

Clearly Sasori didn’t respect him, that much was obvious. But for some reason, Deidara didn’t care. He didn’t need his respect. Just his acknowledgement would have been good enough. And Sasori had finally acknowledged him when they were alone in that freezer. So why did he feel so melancholy?

 _‘Because he said so himself. Nothing is going to come of it...’_ his brain supplied helpfully.

Deidara ruffled his hair irritably and looked for a dustpan.

 _‘You want to be his Marie-Thérèse...’_ the little voice in his head murmured.

“Fucking kill me, hm,” he said aloud, cheeks burning red. Why was he thinking such things? He didn’t know Sasori, not truly. There was no reason to get bent out of shape, right?

_‘But you want something to come of it. You want to know him. Because you know that you like looking at him just as much as he does you.’_

“...I really don’t want to be here, hmm.”

Even in his mind, he couldn’t lie to himself. Since laying eyes on the redhead for the first time last week, the man had been on his mind. It had been easier to just look. But now that Sasori had finally spoken to him, that line between simply looking and outright lusting for had been crossed.

That’s it. That’s all it was. It was simply lust. He just wanted to fuck the other artist was all.

_‘You’re a piece of shit liar, Deidara Sei. You’re a piece of shit liar and you want to get to know him and listen to him talk about art and his paintings, and you want to date him and do terrible, horrible, sexy unspeakable things to him.’_

Deidara shifted the dustpan into the same hand as the broom, and used his free one to run his fingers through his hair, tightening the grip on his locks and pulling slightly in hopes the pain to his scalp would quell his ridiculous, racing thoughts. 

“Deidara.”

The blond looked at Itachi, and sighed deeply, averting his gaze from spectacular garnet orbs that seemed to see right through him.

“We will discuss this at lunch. You have no choice.”

Itachi’s voice was was low and serious, no-nonsense. He refused to give Deidara any leeway to argue with him on this. Not that the blond would have refused him in the first place. Truthfully, if anyone could help him make sense of these thoughts, it would be the raven. He was rational enough for the both of them in in this moment.

Nodding his assent, Deidara crouched down and swept more dry beans into the dustpan, walking over to the industrial-sized waste bin and dumping them. 

“I’ll send Hidan away for a little bit so we can speak in private. I have a feeling it pertains to a certain redhead, and Hidan is protective of you already. It wouldn’t do for him to become incited and try to start something.”

“You really think he would go that far, hm?”

“He talks about you nonstop. I think he has a little bit of a crush on you, actually...” Itachi said with a bemused grin.

 _“....Weeehh??”_ the blond balked, eyes growing wide. Great, now he had to contend with feelings from Hidan as well? He really wasn’t interested. Not like he was with Sasori...

“Don’t worry. It will fade. You aren’t the only person he’s ever caught feelings for,” the raven gestured to himself with his index finger. 

“But did anything ever come of it?”

“We were in jail, cramped together in a 6 by 8. Of course something came of it. That’s why I’m telling you from experience, it won’t last.”

He was awfully nonchalant about it. 

“And you’re still best friends?”

“Why wouldn’t we be? Haven’t you ever slept with your friends before?” Itachi sat down on an empty palette and rest his elbows on his thighs, chin propped up in his palms. 

“I’ve never had friends that I considered close enough to want to do that with, hm.” 

“It doesn’t have to be this all-consuming, life-altering experience if you choose to not let it be.”

“I understand that, but it’s just not something I’ve ever thought of doing... Hey, where is Hidan anyways?”

“Last I saw him he was contemplating taking a forklift for a joy ride.”

“Oh, _shit.”_

\-------------------------------------------

“I was so close to doing it. I was gonna just take it for a quick spin, but then I thought, _naah,_ better not. Itchy and Barbie need me.”

“Nobody _needs_ you, Hidan, hmm.”

“Then does that mean you _want_ me?”

“Shameless!” Deidara stuck his palm in Hidan’s face and pushed the other away as they waited to be handed their customary apple-and-pbj lunch. “You’ll flirt with anyone, won’t you?”

“Just about, yeah. I’m an equal opportunity kind of guy, can’t keep all this to myself. Jashin made me fucking irresistible for a reason,” the violet-eyed male gestured to himself and lifted the hem of his shirt to expose his muscled abs for good measure. “Come on, take it all in, Babs.”

“You’re delusional!”

Hidan cackled loudly and pulled his shirt back down. “No, right now I’m just hungry is all.”

Itachi looked amusedly at the pair arguing, and then around the large conference room that they and all the other probates were holed up in for lunch break. Tables and chairs were scattered around the area, and a large projector screen hung down from the ceiling. “I can’t imagine what kind of conferences they would have at a food bank that would require them to need such a large room, much less a projector. I suppose there is more to this than simply handing out food to needy individuals.”

“You would be interested in the day-to-day shit that goes on in this joint, huh?”

“Actually... I was contemplating volunteering here after I’m done with the program. I have the time...” Itachi took three plastic bags filled with sandwich bread, packets of peanut butter and jelly, and a red apple and handed two away to Deidara and Hidan, keeping one for himself as they found a table to sit at and eat.

“That’s because you’re a fucking trust-fund baby and don’t have to work like us normal people, you shithead.”

“Jealousy isn’t attractive, Hidan. I had no control over my financial circumstances,” the raven countered with a smoldering look. “You certainly weren’t complaining the other day when I wrote you a loan check so you could stay in your apartment.”

“Yikes. Hey now, you two...”

“Hidan, Deidara and I will be right back. There is something he and I need to speak of alone. No, it’s not about you, so don’t jump to conclusions.”

Hidan responded by sticking out his tongue as he struggled to open the packet of peanut butter. “Fine, go have your personal shitty conversation that’s totally not fucking about me at all, see if I care.”

Itachi smiled softly. “You’re pouting.”

“Fuck that, I’m not pout--!” the silver-haired male blinked as Itachi tapped his forehead with his index and middle fingers. 

“Shh. We’ll be right back. Just eat your lunch.”

Hidan grumbled lowly under his breath, a pink flush mottling his cheeks as he ripped open the peanut butter packet with his teeth and said nothing.

Leading Deidara away to an unoccupied corner of the conference room, Itachi looked around to make sure they weren’t being watched. Satisfied, he bore his garnet eyes into the blond’s and put a hand on the other’s forearm comfortingly. “Tell me what happened between you and Sasori.”

God, but he really did seem to know everything. He was far too intuitive for his own good. 

Deidara glanced over his shoulder to where Sasori was sitting by his lonesome. “He just said some things that made me feel... oddly.”

“You’re purposely leaving out vital information. You aren’t hurting me by skirting around the issue, you’re only hurting yourself.”

“...He told me he likes the way I look. That he likes looking at me, hm.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I like looking at him the same way. And I think he knows that. But he said nothing would come of it.”

“You’re disappointed.”

“...Yeah. A lot, actually.”

“Are you going to accept it, or are you going to do something?” 

Deidara’s cheeks flushed deeply. He hesitated briefly. “...I think I want to change his mind.”

“Go sit with him. He’s always alone. You don’t even have to say anything, if you don’t want to.”

“Truthfully, I don’t even really know what to say, hmm.”

“Say nothing, then. Sometimes comfortable silence is more profound and meaningful than an actual conversation,” Itachi glanced over Deidara’s shoulder. “He’s looking at you right now, as a matter of fact.”

“Itachi?”

“Hm?”

“...Thank you.”

The Uchiha responded by giving the blond’s arm a gentle squeeze before releasing it. 

Deidara walked back over to the table the trio had been sitting at and fished his apple out from his lunch bag, tossing it from one hand to the other and smirking at Hidan. “Later, loser.”

“Hey, who the fuck are you calling-- Oy, don’t you walk away from me! Can I at least eat your sandwich??” the taller male yelled after the blond. When he didn’t get a response, he simply shrugged, “Fuck you, I’m gonna eat it anyways...” and added the bread and packets to his own lunch pile.

Approaching Sasori silently, Deidara said nothing as he pulled out the chair next to him and sat down, scooting in and taking a bite from his apple.

The redhead glanced over at him out of the corner of his doe brown eyes, but wordlessly continued removing the crust from his white bread slices. Using his index finger, he nudged his own apple over towards the blond. 

A small smile spread onto Deidara’s lips. 

Maybe there was hope yet, he thought as he chewed.

\-------------------------------------------

“Finally! I’m so glad that’s fucking over with! Aah, but I’m going to be bored when I get home...” Hidan breathed out loudly, stretching his arms high above his head and sighing when he felt his bones in his shoulders crack. Lacing his fingers, he placed his palms behind his head, elbows jutting out as he walked with Deidara towards the Celica.

“I’ll let you borrow my handheld and some games if you promise to give them back.”

“Well fucking of course I’d give them back, I’m a lot of things, but a thief ain’t one of them...”

“Remind me to bring it for you Wednesday night, hmm.”

“You’re the fucking best--” the tall male paused and let his arms rest loosely at his sides. “Hey. Akasuna,” he nodded over to where Sasori was leaning against his car and smoking one of his black kretek cigarettes. “I think he wants you to go over there.”

Deidara blinked and looked at Hidan, then over at Sasori. The redhead beckoned him over with a curl of his finger. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go see what he wants.”

Hidan watched as Deidara walked away, and he grinned to himself. Testing the door handle to the Celica experimentally, he crowed with glee as he saw the door was still unlocked. Sliding inside the passenger seat, he rifled through the glove compartment and withdrew the blond’s cigarettes and lighter, putting three in his mouth at the same time and lighting all of them at once, puffing away happily.

Sasori took a drag off his cigarette, sweet-smelling scent of cloves and ash permeating the air as he exhaled through his nose. Waiting until Deidara was in close proximity, he looked the other up and down indulgently. “...I have six weeks left in this program.”

Deidara opened his mouth to respond, but Sasori hushed him with a raise of his hand. 

“Let me finish. You’re beautiful. And you’re also completely stupid when it comes to art, but for some reason I find it endearing,” he withdrew a pen from the inside of his Jaguar and motioned the blond closer, scribbling on his forearm. “Don’t waste my time, Deidara.”

Looking down, the teal-eyed male’s heart lurched when he saw the other’s phone number scrawled on his skin. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sasori was already seating himself in the driver’s seat of his car and shutting the door. The blond promptly whirled around, cheeks burning as he walked back towards his car. 

Fishing his keys out of his pocket, he sat down in his seat wordlessly, expression blank. And then, a toothy grin spread onto his lips. _“Yes.”_

“You look like how I did when I tried meth for the first time--HEY, what the shit is that on your arm!? Did that douche give you his phone number!?”

Deidara’s cheeks darkened further and he wrenched his arm free from Hidan’s grip. “You... you hush, it’s none of your business, hmm! Hey, why are you smoking three at once, you asshole?!”

Hidan cackled and took one cigarette out of his mouth, depositing it in between the blond’s lips, puffing away on the remaining two with a smirk. “So... are you happy?”

“Hidan...” Deidara began, but was shushed by the other man.

“Shut it, Babs. I don’t care. You think you’re the only one who is holding out for someone? I just want to see you smile like that more. And if it’s that fuckstick who does it for you, then everything is peachy fucking hunky-dory, you feel?” he said with a grin.

“Yeah. I feel.”

“Good. Now put on some tunes, and take me home, Jeeves.”

_“I’m not your chauffeur, hmm!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I supposed to be having this much fun writing this? I'm updating way quicker than I anticipated...


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There’s some limey KakuHida stuff with some questionably dubious consent, so if that is not your thing...  
> Well, I’m not sorry for it! Ahahahaa... (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)  
> I mean, come on, you know what you’re getting into here, it’s Kakuzu and Hidan... ;;;;

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Four_

Deidara sat in his bed, staring transfixed at his phone with a stick of almond-covered chocolate pocky between his lips. It was Friday. On Tuesday night, he and Sasori had began texting each other. On Wednesday, they were still at it, exchanging personal views on art, stories about clients they’d had, pieces they were working on. On Thursday when they’d returned to the food bank, the blond had apologized to Itachi and Hidan, because he wanted to spend more time with the redhead. Itachi had simply given him a knowing look. Hidan had held out his hands as if he were grasping an invisible waistline, and began thrusting his hips obnoxiously with a loud cackle. He’d responded in kind with an open-palmed slap to the back of Hidan’s head.

_‘Show me something you’re working on now.’_

Biting into the stick of pocky, Deidara munched thoughtfully as he texted a reply.

_‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’_

He grinned, mentally patting himself on the back for the subtle sexual innuendo.

_‘You’re a cheeky brat. Fine, then. But you first.’_

Cramming the rest of the biscuit in his mouth, Deidara hopped up from his bed and began looking for the newest piece he had been working on. It was an abstract sculpture he had began to start glazing the night before. Setting it on a surface that was not cluttered, he removed the plastic wrapped around it and pointed his phone at the piece, taking a photograph of it and quickly texting it.

_‘I recently started experimenting with magnetized clay. I like how it turned out. You can’t get forms like that sculpting with tools or by hand.’_

No sooner than he had sent it did he get a reply back.

_‘Yawn. I was expecting to see something exciting.’_

Puffing out his cheeks, Deidara glared at his phone, thumbs flying furiously across the screen.

_‘Just because you’re old and lame doesn’t mean my art is not exciting! You’re simply too decrepit in your advanced age to appreciate it!’_

_‘I’m 35, you brat.’_

_‘See? Old!’_

Sasori sent a middle finger emoji in response. _‘Get off my lawn, then.’_

_‘Never. I’ll romp around in your grass forever.’_

_‘Promise?’_

Deidara’s entire face went red in a spectacular imitation of a tomato.

_‘Hey, you promised to show me a masterpiece. Don’t go back on your words now.’_

_‘Fine, fine. Hold on a second.’_

He didn’t have to wait long. Sasori sent him a photograph of a small canvas with tiger lilies painted on it, modeling paste mixed into the acrylic making the petals three-dimensional.

It was simple, but it was beautiful. No way he’d ever let Sasori know that, though.

_‘Hideous!’_

_‘But still a right sight better than that amateur sculpting attempt.’_

_‘Fuck you, you old jerk.’_

_‘Ask nicely and maybe I will.’_

The blond’s face radiated heat as his flush spread from his cheeks to his forehead, chin, and throat. Plopping down on his sofa, he grabbed a decorative throw pillow and buried his face in it, yelling softly, “Ohhhhmyyygodddd... I fucking can’t, hm!”

Sasori had no idea how much it affected Deidara when he would text him such things. It was flattering, and it made the younger male want to jump into bed with him all the more. 

At least he wasn’t the only one with sex on his mind.

He tossed the pillow to the side when his phone ‘pinged’ with receipt of another text from the redhead.

_‘Send me a photo of you.’_

Deidara blinked at the request, but tapped on the camera function on his phone. Angling his phone so it got his face as well as his torso, he stuck out his tongue and took the picture, examining it and sending it to Sasori.

_‘There. Now that’s a masterpiece.’_

_‘My face is on fire.’_

_‘Good. I’m pleased I have that effect on you.’_

Laying back down fully on the sofa, Deidara’s hair fanned out on the cushion. He draped his legs lazily over the top of the couch and smiled, grasping a strand of long blond hair and curling it around his index finger.

_‘Let’s see how red I can make that pretty face get.’_

Teal eyes widened impossibly and an unnatural noise erupted from Deidara’s throat as Sasori sent him another photo, an angled picture of the top of his dampened fiery red hair, and his lightly muscled torso littered with water droplets in concaves and crevasses. A black towel hung loosely off his hips, exposing pronounced bone structure.

“Oh my god please fuck me,” he said aloud, all the blood in his body converging towards his nether regions. Splaying out his arms, phone clutched in his hand, he exhaled sharply, blowing a strand of blond hair out of his face. Puffing out his cheeks, he took another selfie of his flushed profile and sent it to Sasori.

_‘Is this red enough!?’_

_‘For now. Send me your address. I’m taking you out later. Around 7 or 8.’_

Letting out a strangled noise, Deidara immediately texted him his place of residence, trying not to openly hyperventilate at being asked out on a date.

_‘Just so you know you’re collectively making me lose my shit.’_

_‘Haha, you’re such a dumb kid. It’s just dinner and drinks.’_

_‘But we aren’t supposed to drink on probation!’_

_‘Some rules are meant to be broken.’_

Before Deidara could shoot in another reply text, his phone lit up and began vibrating in receipt of a phone call. 

Middle finger emoji. Hidan.

Swiping his finger to accept the call, the blond held the phone to his ear. “Talk to me, bitch.”

“So I’m actually dreading seeing my probation officer today...” Hidan said on the other line.

“Aww, but don’t you want him to get handsy with you?” Deidara teased, sitting up and planting his feet back on the hardwood floor.

“Not today I don’t! I know my last UA is going to show that I used again, he’s going to be pissed, even more so than he usually is with me because I haven’t been paying any of my supervision fees...”

“You only have yourself to blame for that though, hmm.”

“OK, but would you really say no to someone offering you drugs for free?”

“Of course not.”

“Well, that’s what happened. I ran into my dealer, and for old times’ sake we did a line together.”

“Stupid.”

He could hear Hidan sigh audibly. “I’m really regretting it. Like a lot. I’m bordering on having a fucking anxiety attack.” 

Deidara positioned his phone in the crook of his shoulder, picking up a paintbrush and a jar of glaze to resume work on the sculpture that was in front of him on the coffee table. “So how are you going to explain yourself? And how is the job search going?”

“I don’t fucking know. Oh, I have a job interview tomorrow at some Mexican joint washing dishes. Gotta brush up on my _espanol.”_

“They’re going to call you a _pinche gringo pendejo_ behind your back.”

“Ugh, I don’t even fucking know what that means in Spanish. I only know how to ask for the bathroom and order barbacoa from the taco stand near my shithole apartment!”

“Are you getting drug tested if you get the job?”

“No, thank Jashin.”

Painting in broad strokes, Deidara hummed into the phone. “...But in all seriousness, if you need help detoxing you can come crash with me for the weekend and Monday. Just don’t come tonight, I have a date.”

Hidan paused, blinking. Then his lips split into a cheshire cat grin. “My, my. Deidara has a date, huh? Are you going to bang him?” he snickered loudly into the phone.

The blond sputtered into the receiver, cheeks flushing darkly. 

“You’re so fucking precious when you get flustered.”

“San.”

The silver-haired male sucked in a breath as he heard a low baritone say his last name. “Fuck, I gotta go. If you don’t hear from me in a few hours, assume I’m back in jail... or dead.”

“Later. I’ll come pick you up tomorrow.”

“Bet.”

Deidara pressed the button to end the call and continued glazing his sculpture with an amused smile. Hidan was definitely overreacting. There was no way his CSO would do something like that.

Right?

\-------------------------------------------

Hearing his name, Hidan hung up with Deidara and shoved his phone in his pocket, reaching into his other and unfolding his probationer’s report form as he got up from his seat in the waiting room hesitantly and trudged over to the doorway that his CSO, Kakuzu Hoku was leaning against, arms folded across his broad chest.

_‘Oh no he’s hot. And he’s going to murder me.’_

He handed his paper over to Kakuzu, the officer plucking it out of his grasp between his index finger and thumb, giving Hidan a scathing look. “Go. Office.”

_‘Yeah. I’m definitely gonna fucking die today.’_

The second he stepped inside Kakuzu’s office, the much-taller man delivered an open-palm smack to the back of the violet-eyed male’s head. 

“Ow! Kakuzu, what the fu--!”

He’d long given up on getting Hidan to address him respectfully. “Shut the door, sit down, and close your mouth.”

Rubbing his scalp gingerly and wincing, Hidan did as he was told, shutting the door and sitting down in the chair facing the front of Kakuzu’s desk. He said nothing as green eyes scanned his paper and scribbled notes on it here and there. He leaned over to see what the man was writing, but was met with a painful flick to his forehead. “Gah!”

“I said, shut up. Sit back properly.”

Kakuzu finished writing on Hidan’s probationer’s report and got up, going over to a file cabinet and opening it, taking out a thick file and shutting the drawer. The file was slammed on his desk as he sat back down in his office chair, focusing his attentions on the screen of his computer and clicking away at his mouse. Once he’d pulled up what he was looking for, he turned the screen to face Hidan and pointed at it with his pen.

“These are the results of your most recent UA I had you take. Notice how we have the cocaine levels decreasing... and then all of a sudden, they spike back up again? Do you care to explain?”

Hidan opened his mouth to say something, but promptly closed it, shame flooding his features.

“You never do have an explanation for when you fuck up. Is this a game to you, Hidan?”

The silver-haired male shook his head furiously. “No, it’s not a game.”

Kakuzu slammed his palm down roughly on his desk. _“Then quit treating it like it is one, you stupid fuck!”_

Hidan visibly jumped in his seat, looking alarmed. 

“Do you not get it? If you continue to use, you will have one of three consequences: rehab, jail time, or you’ll be fucking dead somewhere in a back alley!”

A light flush spread onto Hidan’s cheeks. “Kakuzu, you do care--OW!” he yelped as he was hit upside his head again.

“Onto other matters...” Kakuzu grumbled, focusing the screen of the computer back towards him and clicking away with the mouse once more. “According to your report form, you are still without a job. You have not paid even a single red cent towards your supervision fees, your court costs and fines, and for your UAs. Do you understand that if the balance is not paid in full within 60 days of your probation termination date, that it will be extended?”

“I have a job interview tomorrow...” Hidan mumbled quietly.

“Finally, some progress. Good, then you can start getting serious about the money you owe. You have 8 months to pay a balance of $1092.50. And you cannot have anymore positive UAs.”

“It’s kind of hard for me to not get dirty UAs when people offer me the goods for free, Kakuzu...”

Kakuzu clenched his palms into fists. He bore his emerald-colored eyes straight into Hidan’s, saying nothing. Flexing his fingers, he ran a hand through his choppy black shoulder-length locks. Unbuttoning the sleeves of his dress shirt, he rolled up both of them slowly, exposing the tattoos on his forearms. 

_‘Aaaaaand I'm gonna get the shit beat outta me...’_

“No matter what I say, you will continue to disobey. No matter where I hit you, you will still continue to not listen to me. But perhaps... I simply have not been forceful enough for you to understand...” Kakuzu slowly stood up from his office chair and walked around his desk, looking down at Hidan still seated in front. “...So I will make you.”

“Huh?”

Lashing out, Kakuzu curled his open palm tightly around Hidan’s throat in a bruising grip, the smaller male’s eyes widening as he struggled to breathe. 

“You are definitely... the kind of person I would not mind silencing permanently. But it would teach you nothing. So maybe after this, you will be more amicable.”

“Kaku....zu...!”

“Shut up.”

Hidan clenched the fist curled around his larynx, coughing and gasping for air. His violet eyes widened impossibly when he saw Kakuzu use his free hand to unzip the zipper and undo the button of his slacks, pushing aside clothing to expose his flaccid member. “H-Hey, you don’t have to go that far, I’ll be good--!”

Kakuzu released his grip on Hidan’s windpipe to slap him across the face so roughly that the younger man saw stars in his vision. Using his index fingers of both hands, he pried open Hidan’s jaw widely. “If you bite, you’re dead for real. I know that you know the origin of these tattoos. I can very easily make people disappear, so don’t test me, Hidan.”

Hidan choked as Kakuzu shoved his soft cock in his mouth, the warmth and heat making him harden rapidly.

“Use your fucking tongue. I know that ridiculously loud mouth has other uses, so don’t disappoint me.”

Fuck, but he all of a sudden got huge. Hidan’s jaw was stretched widely over Kakuzu’s above-average girth and length, the strain on the muscle making a dull ache radiate throughout his entire jaw-line. Grasping a hand at the taller man’s slacks, Hidan closed his eyes and began moving his head obediently.

“Curl your lips over your teeth.”

Doing as he was told, Hidan cursed himself internally for getting turned on by this. He stifled a groan as Kakuzu buried his hands in his hair, threading his fingers through the short strands and pulling roughly.

Kakuzu leaned against the back of his desk, holding Hidan’s head in place by his hair as he began thrusting inside of his warm, wet mouth slowly. When Hidan didn’t gag, he buried his cock further until he felt resistance, the younger man’s eyes getting wide as he struggled to breathe. Kakuzu smirked as Hidan pounded a fist on his thigh, and responded in kind by moving his hips wildly, feeling a sick, sadistic pleasure at the sound of Hidan’s choking.

He pulled back enough to allow the silver-haired man to breathe in for a few seconds, before pulling on his hair so hard that Hidan’s head was tipped back, jaw slack. He took that opportunity to drive his hard cock back inside, this time feeling no resistance as he fucked his throat roughly.

Hidan wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a least a few good days without feeling pain by the time he was finished. 

Audibly groaning, Hidan’s eyelashes became damp as he strained against the huge dick violating his mouth. And all the while, his own hard-on had become noticeable, tenting visibly in his jeans.

“Does this turn you on?”

Hidan’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. _‘Fuck you, you shitty old geezer!’_ he screamed internally.

“I said, does this turn you on?” Kakuzu pinched Hidan’s nose closed so he couldn’t breathe at all as he jackhammered his hips recklessly and without any consideration for the man blowing him.

Hidan shook his head in affirmative desperately, his lungs aching for precious oxygen.

“Good.”

Kakuzu released the pinching grip he had on Hidan’s nose and continued thrusting roughly for what seemed like an eternity to Hidan. 

How long would this continue for?

As if Jashin himself was listening in on his thoughts, Kakuzu pulled at his hair again. “You’re going to swallow,” the older man bit down on his bottom lip and slammed his cock down Hidan’s throat, shooting thick ropes of cum that made Hidan choke and gag as he tried to swallow it all down. Whatever didn’t make it down escaped from the corners of his mouth and dribbled down his chin and throat. 

Tucking himself back in his slacks and buttoning and zipping them back up, Kakuzu collected the sweat on his forehead with a swipe of his hand. Reaching over and grabbing a tissue from the box of kleenex, Kakuzu folded it over in one hand and wiped at Hidan’s lips and chin, the action almost tender. “You’re going to listen now, aren’t you?”

Hidan said nothing. He nodded deftly in response, breathing labored and throat screaming in pain with each exhalation of ragged breath as he slumped in the chair. 

“You’re going to do what I ask of you? I want to hear you say it, Hidan.”

“Yes, Kakuzu.”

The CSO searched his face for any hint of inauthenticity to his words. He was satisfied when he saw none. “...Good. And Hidan... no more dirty UAs. I will send you back to jail with no hesitation.”

“Yes, sir.”

Kakuzu stared deeply into the silver-haired man’s violet eyes. Crumpling up the tissue he had used to wipe away any remnants of their tryst from Hidan’s lips, he brought his other hand up to his face, thumb tracing his abused bottom lip gingerly, the complete antithesis of the violent act he had committed against the decades-younger male. “You are scheduled for a home visit. You will not know in advance when I will drop by. But I will expect you to be there.”

Again Hidan said nothing, he simply let Kakuzu touch him. The zealot lidded his eyes as he closed his lips over the thumb exploring his thoroughly used mouth, color welling onto his cheeks. Kakuzu withdrew his finger slowly, but not before smearing saliva and the taste of his cum on Hidan’s top lip indulgently, the action eliciting a fettered sigh.

“You may go.”

Kakuzu waved him away impassively, sitting back down at his desk and directing his attentions back to his computer screen.

Hidan got up from the chair and headed to the doorway, pausing and turning to look at his probation officer, mouth opening but saying nothing. 

“Go, Hidan. I’ve had quite enough of you for one day.”

Opening the door to Kakuzu’s office and shutting it behind himself, Hidan walked slowly down the hallway towards the door leading back into the lobby, and exited. He took his phone out of his pocket and saw a text from Deidara, which he ignored. He looked up the bus schedule online while walking out of the building. 

He stopped when he saw another probate smoking and wordlessly asked to bum a cigarette with a few gestures of his hands. Lighting up and handing the lighter back to the owner, he inhaled the nicotine deep into his lungs, ash doing nothing to disguise the taste of Kakuzu’s cum still lingering on his tongue. 

He began the trek towards the bus stop.

There was no one sitting on the covered bench when he arrived. Sitting down, he took another deep drag off his cigarette, and smiled to himself. 

_‘That was fucking awesome.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to hell. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I got paid today. Instead of being a responsible adult and paying my bills I blew my hard-earned cash on imported cigarettes and KakuHida yaoi doujins. 〆(・∀・＠) So I’m in a great mood. I hope you all will be too after reading this. Let’s all blow our paychecks recklessly! Ohohohoho~

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Five_

“Hidan, I’m calling an intervention. You’re clearly still on drugs, hmm.”

“Huh?”

Deidara folded his arms across his chest and cleared his throat. “These past three days, you’ve been far less chatty than what you usually are when we are together! It’s suspicious!”

Hidan sat down on the hood of the Celica and just smiled. “Nah, nothing like that. Just had some stuff on my mind is all.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“Very fucking astute of you, Babs.”

Deidara rolled his eyes and sat next to Hidan on the hood, puffing on a cigarette and looking around the mostly-empty parking lot, save for a few other cars and the police van. Glancing over at the vehicle, he saw Kisame and Zetsu standing off to the side talking amongst themselves, and Ino was sitting in the air-conditioned comfort of the van, reading a trashy celebrity gossip rag.

“I can’t believe we made it here so early. There was really no traffic at all today,” he said, turning back to Hidan.

“We even made it here before Itachi.”

“So what do you think they’ll have us do?”

They’d been ordered to come to a local city park. Even standing from their location in the lot, it was obvious to the naked eye that it was in dire need of repair and refreshment.

“Probably touch up the paint on the signs, pick up the trash along the side of the road, clean the pond... that sort of thing.”

“That doesn’t sound too horrible.”

“You say that now. It’s supposed to get near fucking 100 degrees by mid-day-- _Oho?”_ Hidan blinked incredulously as a silver Maserati pulled into the parking lot. “Well, you don’t see that shit everyday.”

Taking a drag off his cigarette, Deidara watched as the owner of the vehicle exited. He was definitely younger than he and Hidan were. Couldn’t have been any older than 18 or 19. But what really stood out was his near-waist length dark brown hair and piercing blue eyes so light they almost appeared white. “Yowza.”

“I would _destroy_ that.”

“That’s not much of a compliment considering you’ll fuck almost anyone, hm.”

“Well I think it’s a great fucking compliment.”

_“Oy, Neji!”_

The pair glanced over towards the other end of the parking lot where the shout had originated from. A tanned, muscular male with wild eyes, shaggy brown hair, and curved red triangles tattooed on his cheeks was waving the as-of-now named new probate over towards his direction. 

“What the fuck, can’t these brats wait until they’re in their mid-twenties like normal people to ruin their lives and go to jail?”

Deidara laughed and punched Hidan in the shoulder. “Both of us are 22 and 25, it’s not like we’re that much older than them, hm.”

“Yeah, but I at least had the decency to not completely fuck up my teenage years, thank Jashin. I mean, look at this kid. Fucking _beautiful._ And obviously rich. Why the hell would you put that status in jeopardy?” the silver-haired man’s tone was bewildered as he spoke. _“Oh._ Look at that.”

The blond’s teal eyes followed to where Hidan was gesturing at. The two teens standing at the end of the parking lot had their index fingers looped with the other’s.

“Wow, fuck what Officer Hoshigaki said, this _is_ a fucking dating service!” Deidara chortled loudly.

“Speaking of dating, how was it with Red? You never told me, but I’m assuming it was pretty fucking decent considering you had your face buried in your phone with a stupid grin the whole weekend.”

A satisfied expression settled itself on Deidara’s face. “It was _more_ than decent.”

“Did you get laid?” Hidan wiggled his eyebrows lasciviously.

“Oh my god, I’m gonna snuff this out on you, you freak.”

“Gosh, Babs, don’t threaten me with a good time,” the taller male cackled audibly, elbowing Deidara in his side. “Did you at least make out with him a little?”

Tossing the filter of his cigarette, the blond huffed, cheeks pinkening. “Just a little, hm.”

“You’re not even going to tell him about how it made your knees buckle and I had to hold you up to keep you from collapsing? Shame on you, you brat.”

Deidara looked over his shoulder, his flush darkening as Sasori approached his car, smoking a black-papered clove cigarette. “Hey, you.”

The redhead sat down on the hood of the Celica with Hidan and Deidara, wrapping his arm around the blond’s shoulder. “Are we examining the new meat?”

“I bet the scruffy one did something fucking retarded like stealing a car. No idea what the pretty one is here for, he’s clearly too posh for this shit,” Hidan scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Maybe white collar crime related,” Sasori tilted his head to the side, surveying the two. “Definitely looks like the type to not get his hands dirty, so I wonder how he will fare, doing this kind of work.” 

“Glad you’re not being an antisocial dickface anymore, Red.”

Sleepy brown orbs side-eyed the man on Deidara’s opposite side with annoyance. “Where’s the third musketeer at?”

“Usually he’s here way before us.”

“Speak of the devil, hm,” Deidara nodded over towards the black Armada pulling into the lot of the park and stopping a couple spots down from the Celica. Itachi cut the engine of his car and swallowed down the last dregs of his coffee from his mug, and got out of his vehicle, slamming the door a little harder than usual and looking strangely surly as he made his way over towards his friends.

“Bee in your bonnet, Uchiha?” Sasori raised an eyebrow.

“I am not in the best mood, yes.”

“Can you talk about it, hm?” the blond blinked, not used to seeing the raven with such an attitude. It was very unlike him.

“I don't mean to be rude, but I really would rather not. May I have one of those?” he gestured at Sasori’s cigarette. 

“What the fuck, you don't smoke,” Hidan gaped, watching as Sasori wordlessly handed him a kretek cigarette from the pack in his jeans pocket wordlessly.

“Maybe now I do.” 

Sasori flicked his lighter and held it out towards the raven, Itachi leaning in and inhaling, sparking the clove cigarette to life.

Hidan glanced at Deidara with a pointed look, mouthing silently, _‘What the fuck?!’_

The blond mouthed back, _‘I have no fucking idea!’_ in reply.

Itachi glanced over at the two new probates. “I know that young man. The one with the long hair. Neji Hyuuga. His family is our leading industry competitor.”

“What does your family do again, Itchy?”

“Military weapons manufacturing and distribution. I’m not directly involved in it anymore. But, Neji’s uncle is involved in a very high-profile tax fraud case right now. My cousin Obito told me that Neji fabricated evidence in the early stages of the trial and was arrested for it,” Itachi took a drag off the clove cigarette and looked at it with a curious expression. “I rather like these. This isn't a normal cigarette, is it?”

“They're kretek clove cigarettes imported from Indonesia. You can't get them here, you have to order them online.”

“...I think I may do that.”

“Is there any reason why Officer Hoshigaki would be looking at you the way that he is?” Sasori blinked. 

“Why should I care how he looks at me? He’s just a police officer,” Itachi narrowed his eyes at Kisame and took a long drag off his cigarette, making a show of exhaling the sweet white smoke from his lips slowly in wispy tendrils. His expression was completely impassive, even as the hulking officer folded his arms across his chest and gave him a look that clearly betrayed his disappointment. “And I'm just one of the many probates he supervises. Nothing more, nothing less.”

_Oh, damn._

Something had definitely happened there.

Sasori looked at Deidara with a confused face. 

Leaning over as if he were planting a kiss under the redhead’s ear, Deidara murmured lowly against his skin, _“I’ll tell you later.”_

“Hey brat, I’ll be right back. I'm going to go put these away,” Sasori nodded and moved his arm from the blond’s shoulder and patted his jeans pocket, getting up from the hood of the Celica and striding over to his Jaguar, unlocking the door and stuffing his cigarettes and lighter in the middle console.

“So, I hear you both went on a date. I'm assuming it went well.”

“He’s a grumpy asshole, and he thinks my art is terrible, but I enjoy his company nonetheless, hm,” Deidara nodded. “I don't really have any complaints.”

Itachi’s face softened. “I’m glad you're happy.”

“I don't have any expectations going into it, but yeah, so far I am happy, hmm.”

“Blah blah blah, lollypops and unicorns all around. You give me fucking cavities,” Hidan cut in irritably with a ruffle of his hair.

“You’re quite adorable when you get jealous, Hidan. But never fear, there’s someone out there just waiting to choke you on their dick, hm!”

The silver-haired male’s face turned multiple shades of red. 

“Hidan... What are those marks on your neck?” Itachi leaned in closely to examine the bruises on Hidan’s throat in the shape of fingerprints. “My, my...” the Uchiha marveled to himself when he came to the realization of what he was looking at, inhaling more nicotine into his lungs. 

“Don’t say a fucking word, you piece of shit weasel!” the violet-eyed man’s face was as dark as an over-ripened tomato.

“Why, I would never...” Itachi breathed out, a mock innocent expression on his face that transformed into an outright smirk as Hidan’s face reddened further, not in embarrassment but of anger.

“You’re a real fucking cunt sometimes.”

“Did I come back at a bad time?” Sasori’s low tenor cut through the tense atmosphere like a knife.

“It’s fine, Red,” Hidan mumbled, sighing low in his throat.

“They’re starting to line us up for searches if you want to head that way.”

“You all can go ahead. I’m going to finish this. I’ll catch up in a moment,” Itachi waved the rest of his companions off towards the forming line. 

“Don’t take too long, hm,” Deidara slid off the hood of the Celica, looping his arm with Sasori’s, Hidan following suit behind the two fuming silently.

\-------------------------------------------

“Is he still over there?” Hidan slid his fluorescent yellow work vest on and raised his arms above his head, yawning loudly as he stretched.

“Yeah, hm. I wonder what happened?”

“You mind filling me in now?” Sasori murmured, running his fingers through Deidara’s long blond hair absently.

Deidara gestured him closer, and pressed his lips to the redhead’s ear. “He’s seeing Officer Hoshigaki.”

“Seeing as in...”

“Hidan told me he knows for sure they’re fucking, but I’m sure it’s more than just that, hmm.”

“Is that even allowed? Surely there must be rules against the officers fraternizing with probates...” Sasori glanced over at Kisame with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m sure there is. That’s why Itachi goes so far to hide it. I think he’s worried Officer Hoshigaki could lose his job because of him.”

“That would be a very real possibility.”

“Don’t you fucking say a word to anyone, Red. I’m serious. I think he might love the guy,” Hidan interjected, folding his arms across his chest, voice doing nothing to disguise the underlying threat in his tone. 

“It’s not my place, and it’s not really my business. I have no intention of saying anything to anyone.”

“Thank you.”

“You and he were jailed together, weren’t you?” Sasori asked as he continued playing with Deidara’s hair, gathering it in his hands and braiding it loosely into a fishtail.

“He got out two months before I did. I have a lot of love and a lot of respect for Itachi, he’s my best friend. That’s why it makes me so fucking pissed to see him act like this. I _know_ that big blue fuck did something to make him upset, and I wish I could find out what but nope, gotta fucking pretend like I don’t know shit is going on between them. It’s so fucking stupid!” Hidan’s tone was scathing, and his violet eyes narrowed into slits.

Itachi was the last to get in line to be searched. His expression was distant, and forlorn. His garnet eyes lacked the sparkle they normally had, instead appearing dull and empty. The Uchiha folded his arms across his chest in such a way that it appeared he was trying to shrink into himself and disappear.

He didn’t even look Kisame in the eye as he finally made his way in front of the taller man. 

“Hey, look.”

Kisame had grasped Itachi by his upper arm and was leading him away from the rest of the probates, and Zetsu and Ino. Itachi’s stance immediately became defensive, and it appeared the two were involved in heated conversation. The raven placed a hand on his hip, and as he responded to Kisame, the officer scowled deeply. Itachi turned away from the other man, and when Kisame grabbed his shoulder roughly, he let out a loud _“NO!”,_ and shrugged it off, immediately turning around and heading towards the parking lot and his vehicle despite the officer calling his name, and warning him that he would have to see the judge on Monday if he left. 

Itachi spun around and gave Kisame a smoldering glare, and stuck up his middle finger at the man indignantly before fishing his keys out of his pocket and getting in his Armada and starting the engine. 

“Oh, _shit_...” Hidan breathed, running a hand through his hair. 

“Holy fuck. Has he ever done anything like that?” Deidara blanched, not really sure if he was able to comprehend what they all just witnessed.

“I swear to Jashin, I didn’t even know he was capable of that...”

Sasori glanced over at Kisame. “He looks like he just got punched in the gut.”

Kisame was staring down blankly at the grass. His fist was clenching and unclenching, and he looked at a loss.

“Poor guy.”

\-------------------------------------------

The loss of Itachi’s presence was significant.

Deidara and Hidan had went about their respective assigned tasks without issue, but the entire time, all the two could think about was the Uchiha and what he might be doing at this very moment, especially as upset as he clearly was. 

“I’m legitimately fucking terrified that I’m gonna get a drunk phone call or text from him later,” Hidan had said while they sat in the grass and ate lunch.

“Is that why he’s here? Alcohol?”

“This is his second motherfucking DWI.”

“Yikes.”

The three looked up at the sound of grass crunching under feet. The wild-eyed teen and Neji had approached them. “Hey, I don’t mean to get involved in something that’s not my business--” 

“It _isn’t_ your business, Kiba.”

“--but I just wanted to see if you guys were cool. We kind of saw what happened and just wanted to see if we could do anything. He’s your friend, right?” Kiba swatted at Neji, prompting the other to roll his eyes.

“We’re fine, just trying to make sense of it, hmm.”

“I straight up gotta fucking ask, what the hell did you do to get here?” Hidan’s curiosity got the better of him.

Kiba let out a barking laugh, and scratched his scalp, an embarrassed flush settling high on his angled cheekbones. “I stole a car.”

Hidan let out an triumphant noise of delight. “What the fuck did I fucking say?! I told you this stupid shit stole a whip and I was _fucking right!!”_ he crowed, a manic grin on his excited face.

“I’m still standing here, you know...”

“See? They’re fine. Really, you’re too friendly with these people...” Neji grasped onto Kiba’s hand with his, lacing their fingers and gently tugging him away from the three.

“Nothing wrong with being nice, babe... Oh, later! I’m Kiba, by the way. See you ‘round!” the Inuzuka waved, walking away with Neji.

“He is clearly a few crayons short of a full box,” Sasori said bluntly, biting into his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, crusts torn off. “Brat. For you.” He held out his apple towards the blond, Deidara taking it wordlessly and sticking his tongue out in reply, piercing glinting in the sun. Immediately the redhead’s thoughts detoured to the nearest proverbial gutter as he remembered the way Deidara’s jewelry had felt sliding against his tongue as they’d made out. 

“I’ll be right back. Bathroom,” Hidan hopped to his feet, taking his trash with him to dispose of properly.

Putting his apple core into the plastic sandwich bag, Deidara started in on the apple Sasori had given him. He paused mid-chew when he felt fingers in his hair, unknotting the fishtail braid. “Hm?”

“I just wanted to touch your hair again. It’s one of my favorite physical features you possess.”

The blond sputtered embarrassedly, but a pleased flush was evident on his cheeks. “I’ll more than likely have to take Hidan home, but do you want to get drunk and make out again later tonight?”

“Hell yes.”

Deidara scooted over the grass to get in closer to Sasori, their legs now touching as he slipped his hand in the redhead’s and squeezed it gently. 

“I have something for you in my car when we’re done today. I wanted to give it to you earlier, but it wasn’t an appropriate time.”

“Bringing me presents already? Does that mean you like me after all?” Deidara grinned cheekily.

“Perhaps I do a little bit, brat,” Sasori replied, wiping away a crumb of apple on the corner of the teal-eyed male’s lip. “But only just a bit.”

“Says the man who sends me good morning texts every day since we started talking, hmm.”

Sasori simply shrugged nonchalantly and bit into his sandwich. “Do you dislike it?”

“No, it’s definitely not that. I guess I’m just not used to it is all...” the younger man said honestly, eyes focusing up on the fluffy white clouds floating along in the clear blue sky.

“I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary that you do not deserve, Deidara. I know I was initially quite cold, but I do not have any regrets so far as I move forward with you... with this.”

“You jerk, you’re flattering me on purpose so you can make my face get all red again, hm!”

The redhead smirked openly. “It’s not my fault you’re attractive like that.”

_“Gaaaaaaay...”_

Deidara blinked, and rolled his eyes when he saw Hidan reapproach.

“Seriously, I can’t handle you two queers. Go find a bush and fuck already--” Hidan blinked and in a split second, opened his jaw wide to catch the sailing apple lobbed at his head with his teeth. He grinned and bit into it, chewing noisily. “Thanks Babs, how’d you know I was still hungry?”

“Go fall in a hole and stay there, hmm!”

\-------------------------------------------

“Hidan, catch.”

The silver-haired man extended his arms and caught the keys to the Celica in his palms. 

“I’ll be right there. Don’t smoke all my cigarettes this time, you dick.”

“I have a job now, Barbie, I don’t need your shitty Newports anymore. Pall Mall menthol 100s, here I come!”

“Good, you can buy me a new pack when we stop for gas!” Deidara grinned, holding up a closed fist and moving his other in a circular motion next to it, middle finger slowly extending as if it were on a reel.

“Eat a fat dick, Babs.”

“That’s the eventual plan, hmm!” the blond stuck out his tongue and wiggled it, winking and whirling around to trounce off towards Sasori’s Jaguar. The redhead was leaning against the hood of the XK, lighting a clove cigarette. “Hey, what’s the deal with you and those things anyways?”

“I smoked them all throughout high school. Back before our government decided that flavored cigarettes were a gateway to teenage smoking and not mass commercial media depictions.”

“You sounded like a cranky old fart just now.”

Sasori reached over and tugged a lock of Deidara’s hair. “Don’t get cheeky, brat, or you won’t get your present.”

“I lied! You’re not old at all, you’re young and lively and in the prime of your life, Sasori!” Deidara immediately backtracked, though a mischievous grin was still on his face. 

“Come on, get in, you pest.”

The younger backtracked over to the passenger side of the slate grey Jaguar and opened the door, sliding into the buttery leather seat and shutting it behind him. Sasori sat in the driver’s seat and stuck his key in the ignition, twisting it so he could turn on the A/C and crack the window slightly. “Glove compartment. Open it.”

Deidara did as instructed and gaped, letting out a noise as he saw a wood carving staring back at him. Picking it up, his cheeks flushed darkly as he realized it was an exact replica of a bird he had sculpted out of clay. Even the most minute of details were intricate, and it fit perfectly in the palm of his hand. “I love it.”

“Send me more pictures of that crap you call art and I’ll carve some more for you, if you like,” Sasori smiled softly, pleased that the blond had liked the small token.

“...’mere, hm.”

Deidara cupped Sasori’s jaw in his palm and lids closed over teal eyes as their lips met. The redhead tasted of exotic spices and sweetened tobacco, and the blond couldn’t help the soft moan that escaped his throat as the kiss was deepened.

His knees twitched as the muscle in them grew weak again as Sasori’s tongue mingled with his in an esoteric dance. He let out a disappointed noise when the liplock was stopped way sooner than he would have liked, Sasori pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Don’t be upset. We’ll have all night if you like. In the meantime, you have a nuisance to attend to, don’t you?”

“Yes, but he’s _my_ nuisance.”

Sasori pressed his cigarette to his lips and took a deep drag. “That he is. I don’t know how you do it, I can only tolerate him in small doses, even less so when he goes on a religious tangent.”

“I think he and I are similar in some ways, that’s why we gravitate towards each other. It’s only been about a month now but... I trust him completely. Itachi, too.”

Exhaling smoke through his nose, Sasori’s brown eyes softened as he listened to Deidara talk about his friends. He really was something else. 

“It’s funny... I really, really was not expecting to meet my best friends here, of all places!” the blond finished, grinning from ear to ear and closing his eyes briefly. 

A hint of a smile teased Sasori’s lips. “And I was not expecting to meet the most beautiful person I have ever looked upon in my entire life here, either. Funny how things work out sometimes. Anyways... don’t lose that.”

“Are you kidding? I’m keeping this forever!” Deidara cupped the wooden bird protectively in his palms and leaned in, planting a peck to the older man’s cheek. “See you tonight.”

“‘Til then, brat.”

Deidara got out of the Jaguar and shut the car door, waving at Sasori and flitting back to his car, hair bouncing with every step he took, betraying his elated mood. He sat in the driver’s seat of the Celica and looked at Hidan. “Look at this! Look at this shit!” he showed him the carving. “He _made this_ for me.”

“You’re too fucking cute.”

“We’re going to get drunk and make out, hmm.”

“Just make sure you don’t see your probation officer anytime soon. Alcohol stays in your system for around 4-5 days. Anyways, can we get going? I gotta go to work.”

“You could stand to be a bit more grateful!”

Hidan cackled loudly and pinched the other’s cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deidara, you're a teenage girl when it comes to Sasori.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hear ye, hear ye... There be ItaDei things in this chapter... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Six_

“Have you still not heard anything from him at all? It’s not like him to just not show up.”

Deidara shook his head and sighed, shifting his phone to the other side of his face as he conversed with Hidan. “It’s been three days, hm. I would have thought he would have reached out to somebody by now.”

“I’m starting to freak out, honestly.”

“Don’t do that. I don’t want to have to worry about you, too.”

Hidan let out a soft laugh into the receiver. “See? You just said it yourself, you’re concerned like I am.”

“Well, of course...”

It was hard not to be. While Deidara did not text the raven or call him as consistently as he did Hidan, it had never been this length of time that he had not received some sort of communication from the Uchiha. “You have his address, right? Do you want me to go over there and check on him?”

“Hell yeah I do. I would have already done it myself were I in the position to! But I have to go to work...”

The blond snickered into his cell phone. “When it comes down to it, you really do have a good work ethic, don’t you Hidan, hm?” he teased. 

He didn’t need to be in close proximity to him to be able to visualize the embarrassed flush on Hidan’s cheeks. He could hear it simply by the tone in his voice as the silver-haired male sputtered, “Get bent, Babs!”

“Just text me his address and I’ll head over. You owe me an enchilada plate for this, hm.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll hook you up. Just go make sure that stupid weasel isn’t dead in a pool of alcohol and vomit,” Hidan ended the call, and Deidara rolled his teal eyes. 

“Well, bye to you too, bitch...” he grumbled, setting down his phone. The screen lit up seconds later with a text from the man. Picking his phone back up, Deidara tapped his finger around on the screen and programmed Itachi’s address into his GPS. “You would live in a nice part of town, Itachi.”

Shifting his weight on the sofa cushion, the blond screwed the lids back on jars of glazes and arranged them off to one side of his coffee table, the wood having long been stained and splattered with various colors that would never come out. Getting a spray bottle, he spritzed a light layer of water on the current commission piece he was working on and wrapped it up in plastic sheeting.

He lift his shirt over his head and tossed it somewhere to land randomly in his apartment. Getting up from the sofa, he unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans and took both them and his boxer briefs off fluidly in a single motion, and again the articles of clothing were tossed. The blond fiddled around with his phone, opening up the music app as he strode naked into his bathroom. Soon the sounds of the Mindless Self Indulgence album, ‘Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy’ blared from the speakers of his iPhone, auditing the small walled-in space as he set it down on the sink and stepped into the shower, turning on the faucet and jumping as cold water sluiced over his form. “Fuck!”

He angled the showerhead to the side so the chilled spray wouldn’t hit him, turning up the water temperature and placing his hand under the stream. Once it heated up, he closed his eyes and let the hot water run down his body, soaking his blond hair and darkening it. He contented himself with just standing under the constant stream, mouthing the lyrics to _‘Clarissa’_ as he replayed the events that happened Tuesday night when he had drove over to Sasori’s and they’d spent time together.

It turned out that the redhead lived less than five minutes away from him in a complex of studio lofts that he had actually toured before settling on the place he was in now. The entire downstairs of Sasori’s multi-level residence was similar to his in that there were art supplies scattered everywhere: finished pieces, blank canvases, gel and paste mediums, acrylics of all sorts of colors, blocks of wood and whittling knives. The only difference was that he had an upstairs, and that the layout wasn’t completely and fully open like his was. The kitchen and living area, where Sasori did most of his work as well, was separated by an open archway. The top of the refrigerator had a multitude of liquor bottles of various types, and not a single one had not been opened previously at some point. 

They’d started off easy, with Sasori making them cherry vodka sour mixed drinks. Then he made vodka with Red Bull. And eventually they’d just progressed openly to shots. He’d noticed Sasori really favored citrusy fruit liquors, having an abundance of varieties in different flavors ranging from blood orange, to lemon, and grapefruit, and more exotic ones like guava and starfruit. Collectively they must have drank about three bottles all together.

The healthy alcoholic flush that mottled Sasori’s cheeks and made his sleepy brown eyes look even more dazed and far-off was absolutely fucking adorable. He’d told him so and gotten a sodden lip-lock in response. 

He didn’t sleep with him. But God, had he wanted to. 

Sasori had grabbed his wandering hands by the wrist and drunkenly told him, “Not yet. You’re not anywhere near as desperate for it as I’d like you to be.”

It was true. He wasn’t at that level. But he was definitely getting there with each kiss, every “brat” he was addressed with, and even the ridicule of his art was weakening his resolve.

They’d passed out in Sasori’s bed on the second level of the loft together. He’d woken up the next morning to the feel of the older man sucking on his neck, leaving a brilliant bruise that was highly visible against the contrast of the blond’s pale skin. He’d looked so _satisfied_ at marking him. It was unbelievably sexy. Sasori pressed another kiss to his lips and had gone downstairs and made them both cups of black Colombian coffee to stave off the hangover. It hadn’t helped much in the younger’s case, he’d still gotten a spectacular headache, but the redhead had been so sweet and attentive, gently caressing his temples and running his long fingers through Deidara’s hair soothingly. 

Even with him being incapacitated, he was looking forward to doing it again.

Deidara bit on his bottom lip and felt for the fading mark on the junction where his shoulder met his throat, sighing softly. It had only been a couple weeks since Sasori had agreed to date him, and in that short time he was already becoming attached. And his infatuation was deepening to great affection.

It felt dangerous. 

He didn’t want to fall in love too hard or too fast, because if this didn’t work out, it would ruin him. He already knew. 

The pain would probably make for great fodder for his art were everything to crash and burn, though. At least there would be that upside. 

Picking up his bottle of rosemary shampoo from the caddy hanging from the showerhead, he uncapped it and sniffed the aromatic scent, the muscles in his body relaxing. He squeezed an ample amount into the palm of his hand and soaped up his long, blond locks into a deep lather, piling his mane on top of his head as he began washing his body. 

_‘Planet of the Apes’_ began playing, and he openly sung the lyrics loudly this time as he rubbed body wash onto his belly and thighs. 

He wondered what Sasori was up to now. He often found himself at random intervals during the day thinking about the redhead. Washing his face with an exfoliating scrub, he closed his eyes and stood under the hot spray, soap and shampoo sliding off his form to spiral down the drain. 

Once he was satisfied that he’d gotten all the suds out of his hair, he turned off the water and squeezed the ends of his blond locks, water droplets smacking the tile flooring of the shower. He stepped out and rummaged in the linen closet for a clean towel, draping it over his shoulders and picking up his phone, cutting off the music and smiling when he saw he had a text from the man in question who had been invading his thoughts so pleasantly.

_‘My bed feels much too empty without you and I do not like it.’_

Unlocking his phone, Deidara texted back a response. 

_‘Sorry, my man. Gotta go rescue the drunken damsel in distress.’_

_‘It’s just as well. I have to finish this horrendous painting that will be hung in a dental office lobby by tonight, and you are far too distracting.’_

The blond cringed. He had quickly learned that Sasori hated doing commercial-type artwork to be hung in public spaces. He could imagine the loathsome way he’d be slapping paint on the canvas, cursing the commissioner of the piece all the while for their poor taste in art. Deidara did not blame him one bit, but it wasn’t like these types of jobs could be refused, no matter how unenjoyable they were to undertake. Revenue was revenue. 

_‘Gross.’_

_‘Send me another picture of you, that way I have something beautiful to look at to inspire me.’_

Deidara smiled, and shifted his towel so it was covering the top of his head. Leaning back against the sink, he turned on the camera and angled it so he wasn’t completely and fully on display, but enough that the photo would catch the way his hip bones met the curvature of his nether regions. Once he was satisfied with it, he sent the picture to Sasori with a smug grin. 

_‘I’m going to devour you, you brat.’_

_‘Please do.’_

_‘When I said I wanted inspiration, I didn’t mean inspire my lower half!’_

_‘Too bad.’_

_‘I’m making it my phone background and you cannot stop me.’_

It was true, he very well could not. But it wasn’t like he would have even if he could. He was happy that Sasori liked him that much that he wanted to have him on display for all the world to see. Truthfully, Deidara did not think he was anything special. But Sasori made him feel like he was. 

_‘Go ahead. You can make all your artist friends jealous when they see how hot I am.’_

_‘This is true.’_

_‘Gotta finish drying off. I’ll text you later, my man.’_

_‘Til then, brat.’_

He wondered if it bothered the redhead when he called him ‘my man’. Truthfully, he would have kept on doing it anyways even if it did. Shrugging his shoulders, he rubbed his hair wildly in the towel, drying it and his body off quickly. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, noticing some stubble growing on his chin. He’d have to shave again soon. Picking up a bottle of straightening serum, he poured a very minute amount into his palms, rubbing them together and running his hands through his hair until he was satisfied. He fished around under the sink cabinet for his blowdryer, and turned off the lights before plugging it in, not wanting to blow a fuse. 

He let out a noise as he accidentally hit the side of his head with the end of the hairdryer, and grumbled, holding it a few more inches away from his scalp. Once he was satisfied that his long, thick locks were no longer damp, he turned off the blowdryer and wrapped the cord around the handle, sticking it back in its prior location under the sink and closing the cupboard.

Deidara ran his hairbrush through his mane, humming in approval as it came out pin-straight and silken with each pull of the bristles. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was lowkey particular about his appearance. He wasn’t overtly masculine, but neither was he quite feminine, either. He skirted the line of androgyny and made it work for him as he saw fit. 

And apparently it was working enough if it caught the attention of someone like Sasori. The redhead was extremely handsome, even if he always seemed to have a disinterested aura. It was one of the reasons Deidara questioned the authenticity of Sasori’s words and actions at times, but then he’d go and say and text things like, “You’re beautiful,” “I’m making you my phone background”, and surely he’d not do such if there weren’t genuine attraction.

He pointed at himself in the mirror’s reflection, a stern expression on his face. “You’re fucking hot, hmm. You’re fucking hot, and everyone lowkey wants in your pants. Sasori wants in your pants. Stop questioning shit and go with it.” 

He immediately felt better after the little pep talk and grinned toothily. He then frowned and rubbed at his teeth, picking up his toothbrush and paste and quickly giving his smile a quick refresh. The blond examined his teeth now after brushing them and was satisfied. Hanging his towel up on the hook behind the door, he left his bathroom and picked up where his worn clothes had landed, not really caring that the blinds to his windows were open as he walked naked around his apartment space. Deidara threw his dirty clothes into a trashbag that he was planning on dragging to the laundromat later in the week, and went over to his storage container full of clothes, moving things aside until he grabbed a pair of clean briefs, black jeans, and a red t-shirt. He quickly dressed and fished around further for socks, finding a matching pair this time and picking up his favorite red sneakers, plunking down on his sofa. He jammed his feet in the plain black socks one by one, and then put on his shoes, tying the laces swiftly.

His pack of Newports was stuffed in his pocket along with the lighter, and he grabbed the keys of his Celica and his phone, tapping on the screen and putting Siri on silent so he could make it to Itachi’s without need of her annoying monotone voice telling him what to do and where to go step-by-step.

Locking his door, he took the stairs down two at a time and unlocked his car door, getting in and setting his phone on the middle console and fishing out his cigarettes, lighting one up and starting the vehicle. He let out a noise of shock as the stereo was up louder than he remembered and immediately turned the speakers down. “Fucking shit...”

Buckling in after that little jump-scare, he looked over his shoulder and backed out of his parking space carefully, zooming off towards the main road once he threw the Celica in drive. He moved his phone into one of the cupholders so he could have an easier time glancing at it. 

23 minutes. 

Itachi lived in one of the nicer, ritzier areas of the city, just on the very outskirts of downtown. As the area became less industrialized and more urban, Deidara felt more and more out of place. As he neared the raven’s home, he drove past mini mansions, expensive duplexes and townhomes, and just as he couldn’t feel any more disgusted by the bourgeois residences, he breathed out a sigh of relief when he came across Itachi’s Tudor-style two-story home. It wasn’t as obnoxiously big as some of the other homes, but it was definitely by no means tiny. 

The Armada was parked in the fancy circular driveway in front of the house, a multi-car garage in back. The blond briefly wondered if it was full of expensive, fancy collector cars. Rich people tended to have those types of things, didn’t they? 

He parked behind Itachi’s car and got out, not bothering to lock the damned thing. He’d seen private security patrolling the neighborhood on his drive in, so he really wasn’t worried about anything being taken from the Celica. Besides, who would want anything he had in there, anyways?

Deidara blinked as he approached the front door, admiring the rose bushes of dark red, almost black blooms. “Pretty...” he leaned down and sniffed a blossom, sighing appreciatively. He’d never seen roses this color. 

“Do you like them?”

The blond yelled as he heard Itachi’s voice. “What the fuck, you scared the hell out of me! Don’t _do that!”_

Itachi smiled openly, a wine glass in his hand filled with a cabernet. He took a hearty swallow from the glass, and simply shrugged. “I have cameras. I saw you drive up,” he motioned to them with a gesture of his index finger. “I’m guessing Hidan gave you my address?”

Deidara pointed at him with an irate look. “We’ve been worried about you, you inconsiderate cunt! Three days, Itachi! _Three days!_ What the hell is going on that you can’t tell your best friends, huh?”

“...You really want to know?”

“Yes, hmm!” 

Itachi stepped to the side to allow Deidara into his home. “Have a drink with me. Or a few, it doesn’t really matter. We’ll talk then.”

\-------------------------------------------

“I know that you know.”

Deidara looked up from his glass of wine, cheeks ruddy from drink. “Huh?”

Itachi looked no worse for the wear. He was also red-faced as well, and he was having difficulty keeping his composure and not slurring his words.

“I know that you know,” he repeated. “And I know that you know that I know that you know...”

“Wehhh?”

“...Anyways, the point is that you know. You know I’m sleeping with Kisame.”

“Fucking duh you’re sleeping with him. You’re taking big fat police dick up your ass twice a week if not more.”

“It’s more.”

“Hah! I knew it.” 

Itachi said nothing. He simply chugged down the rest of the cabernet in his glass and promptly filled it back up with the bottle sitting in front of the pair. The two were sitting on the expensive Italian marble floor of the Uchiha’s massive kitchen, drinking cabernet sauvignon and leaning against the fancy cupboards. “He really, really hurt me by doing what he did. I told him, I fucking _told him_ that it would make me uncomfortable, and he went and did it anyways!”

“Drink.”

The raven swallowed the entire glass in four gulps, only tasting the wine grapes at this point and not the alcohol. He held out his glass and Deidara picked up the bottle, promptly pouring him another one. “I’ve been drinking this entire time, trying to make sense of it. Maybe... maybe you could help a little?”

“What’d that son of a bitch do, Itachi?” the blond slurred, sipping from his glass. He had consumed far less than the alcoholic next to him and was already drunker than a fish. 

“A couple weeks ago when he came over after he got off work, he told me he wanted me to start going to AA meetings. I am _not_ comfortable sharing my relationship with alcohol... with complete strangers. And I told him this! I told him, please don’t make me do it. And then... Monday night, I get a call from my CSO. My conditions of my probation have been updated. It is now _mandatory_ for me to attend AA meetings, in addition to the cognitive behavioral therapy substance abuse class I am already taking. So I call him. And he has the _nerve_ to say that he only made the recommendation because he is scared that I’m going to do this again and end up back in jail. _Fuck you._ You don’t get to decide my life for me and assume what choices I am going to make.”

“Itachi... Itachi...” Deidara fumbled over his language, his tongue feeling far too large for his own mouth. “I know you’re pissed. I’d be pissed too. It’s like someone taking my Newports from me and telling me I can’t have them anymore.”

“You would annihilate them.”

“Fuck _yeah_ I would! But... I see you. I see you when we’re at the work program. And even when you think nobody’s watching and you’re being _sooo_ stealthy, which, bitch, you so fucking are not... I see how you both look at each other. He _loves_ you. And I think you love him too, hm.”

“I _do_ love him. I kind of think I might want to _marry_ him. He’s... so fucking sweet. And when we’re together he’s so gentle and it kills me because I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it,” Itachi smoothed a hand through his loose, flowing raven locks, eyelashes suddenly becoming damp. 

He was so open like this when he was inebriated. He was beautiful. _Vulnerable._

“I don’t deserve nice things. My parents are dead because of me. My younger brother hates me. He can’t even stand to look me in the eye. I haven’t spoken to him in years. I don’t know where he is, or what he’s doing, or if he’s even alive at all. And I understand. I understand why. But I’m not... good at handling my emotions. That’s why I prefer to not show them. And so I drink. I drink because it dulls everything and I feel nothing, and everything is good when I feel nothing... do you understand what I mean?”

“And with Kisame you can finally be who you really are. You showed him the most vulnerable side of you. You let him _in._ And now it feels like he’s taken that and used it against you,” Deidara said in a moment of drunken clarity. 

“Yes! Exactly that!” Itachi sat down his glass of wine and scooted closer to the blond, turning and facing him. 

Deidara faced his body towards the Uchiha’s and finished his glass of cabernet, setting it off to the side as well. He grasped onto the sleeve of his red t-shirt and lifted it up, exposing the deep indentations and scars on his right bicep. “I could have died. I was stupid. I was smoking in the warehouse with all my fireworks and one of them got lit. And then this happened. I still have muscle weakness and I’m lucky to even have mobility in it at all, the doctor said.”

Itachi traced the scar on Deidara’s arm gingerly with his index finger. “You really are in a lot of trouble, aren’t you? It’s... you didn’t just get caught peddling like a drug dealer, you were... making them, and then... you made them explode... and you nearly died,” the raven’s garnet eyes lidded and watered heavily. “I don’t want you to die.”

The younger male found his arms full as Itachi hugged him close tightly. He embraced him back, running his fingers on impulse through the other’s hair. “But I don’t want you to die, either. You and Hidan... you’re my best friends. I... I can’t see my life without you in it.”

Itachi bore his eyes into Deidara’s teal ones. “I was right, you know. I knew... I just _knew_ that you were going to be important to me. That I could trust you. And I was right. I’m so... _happy,_ that I was right.”

He wasn’t sure if it was the way the raven was looking at him, or if it was the alcohol that was driving him. But Deidara cupped Itachi’s jaw in the palm of his hand and leaned in, pressing his lips firmly to the other man’s. 

It felt like fireworks were going off in his chest. Bright, vibrant, fleeting. It wasn’t like that dull, consuming ache he felt whenever he kissed Sasori that left him breathless and weak in the knees, but it was significant, and still meaningful. Itachi languidly wrapped his arms around Deidara’s neck, moving his lips against the other’s softly, almost shy in a way as his garnet eyes slipped closed. 

He was _beautiful._

Their kiss deepened, Itachi letting out a soft noise as his tongue danced with Deidara’s, the Uchiha responding in earnest. 

Itachi tasted of expensive wine, and cloves. There was even the most faint hint of ashy tobacco. He’d kept to his word and had started smoking. It complimented him well, and the familiar taste made him think of Sasori. 

And just as the thought of the redhead crossed his mind, Itachi broke their kiss, smiling guiltily. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Deidara murmured, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Neither did you. It was... really nice. I liked it.”

“...Me too.”

Deidara smoothed a lock of Itachi’s hair behind his ear and leaned in, pressing another gentle peck to his lips, which the Uchiha returned, their lips lingering briefly before parting. 

And then suddenly Itachi was covering his mouth to muffle his sudden laughter. 

Upon seeing him, the blond’s lips twitched. And then he was laughing as well. 

He didn’t know why they were doing it. But it felt good. It felt good to be this open with another person. No reservations, no hidden agendas. Just complete honesty. 

Getting control over himself, Itachi moved the collar of Deidara’s shirt to the side, smiling at the fading bruise. “I’m happy you both found each other.”

“What are you going to do?”

“...I think I’m going to forgive him. He’s suffered long enough,” the raven withdrew his phone from his pocket and showed him the dozens of unread texts he’d gotten from Kisame. 

Deidara leaned with his back to the kitchen cupboard, Itachi following suit. The blond reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine, pouring the last dregs of the cabernet into the older man’s wine glass. 

Itachi picked it up and sipped it, lacing his fingers with Deidara’s as they sat in silence for a bit while the Uchiha drank. 

“Deidara.”

“Hmm?”

“I’d never be able to say this if I were sober... but I love you, best friend.”

Deidara smiled and squeezed Itachi’s hand. “I love you, too, hm.”

“...You want to order a pizza?”

“Oh hell yes.”

\-------------------------------------------

“Yeah... I know. I know, babe. I was just upset...”

Deidara bit into a slice of pizza and watched as Itachi paced the carpeting of his bedroom, phone to his ear as he talked to Kisame. 

“Yes. I forgive you. Yes, I’ve been drinking... A lot... I think like 8 or 9 bottles in the last three days... No. Absolutely not. They’re vintage and they’re expensive, that’s why.”

The younger man grinned between mouthfuls of cheese and pepperoni. 

“Yes. You may come see me tomorrow, of course. Oh, and... they know. They’ve known for a while, actually--” the Uchiha blanched and held his phone away from his face as Kisame yelled into the receiver. 

“Chill out, big guy, we’re not gonna say shit!” Deidara yelled. 

“Did you hear that? ...Yes. Mmhm. Well, you trust me, don’t you? Then believe me when I say that they won’t say anything... Yes, even Hidan...” Itachi’s face softened as the officer spoke to him. “...I love you, too.”

“Aww...” the blond crowed, taking another messy bite of pizza.

“Yeah. I have to go, babe. Deidara’s already eaten over half the pizza...”

“And I’m gonna eat the rest of it, too, hmm!”

“I love you. I’ll see you after work tomorrow.”

The second he hung up with Kisame, Itachi launched himself onto his bed and wrenched the slice of pizza out of Deidara’s grip. 

“Aww, come on!”

“Don’t be a fat bitch.”

“Wow, RUDE.”

“I'm just the worst, aren't I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendship goals tbh.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I like this chapter because I get to flesh Kisame out more. I need to show him and Kakuzu some dokis. ლ(´ڡ`ლ)

\------------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Seven_

Kisame drummed his knuckles on the steering wheel of his navy blue Dodge Challenger, the muscle car’s exhaust purring with each press of the gas pedal. It was coming on 6pm, and he’d been waiting the entire day and watching the minutes of his beat shift go by almost obsessively until he could go see Itachi.

Being with the younger man was the best part of his day, and not having had any contact with him for the past three had been his own personal form of hell. 

As he zipped through the familiar neighborhood where the raven’s home resided, he let out a sigh as he happened upon the house and saw Deidara’s Celica still parked. Were the two still passed out even at this time of night? 

And worse, was that blond twinkie sleeping on _his_ side of the bed?

He had no quarrel with the kid. Deidara did as he was told at the work program and didn’t cause any trouble, unlike that brat Hidan. Kisame definitely preferred him over the latter, but if he was encroaching upon his territory, there would be words exchanged. _Lots_ of words.

He steered his car flush up against the curb of the Uchiha’s house and cut the engine, unbuckling his belt and getting out of the vehicle fluidly, shutting the door and locking it with a press of the car’s remote. The alarm chirped as he walked up to the front door, thumbing through keys on the ring until he found the one given to him by the raven. He stuck it in the door’s lock, twisting it and unlocking it. The key ring was put back in the pocket of his police-issue slacks and he entered the dwelling, shutting the front door behind himself and re-locking it. 

The officer toed off his shoes and set them neatly next to the front door mat, and removed his belt with his handgun and cuffs and hung it on the nearby hanging coat rack. He padded into the kitchen and rolled his eyes, leaning down and picking up the two wine glasses on the tile floor and putting them gingerly in the sink. The green glass bottle of vintage cabernet was rinsed out and put in the black recycling container next to the waste bin, and Kisame washed his hands. Drying them off with a paper towel, he exited and made his way towards the stairwell, walking up one at a time and heading towards the master bedroom. 

Quietly opening the door, he smiled softly when he saw Itachi on the side Kisame himself normally slept on, sleeping soundly. Deidara was curled around him, head laying on the raven’s belly and emitting soft snores. A pizza box with crusts in it and opened dipping sauce was on the nightstand. 

Walking over to the side of the bed, he leaned down and kissed Itachi’s cheek, the younger man making a soft noise, garnet eyes fluttering open. 

“Huh...”

“Hey, babe. You two had a sleepover, I see.”

Itachi shook Deidara awake, the blond bolting upright suddenly and yelling, _“I don't wanna ride the pony!”_

Kisame raised an eyebrow. “What’s that about a pony now, Twinkie?”

“Oh, shit. Oh _shit,_ my _head..!”_

Itachi made a grunt in agreement, rubbing his eyes and sitting up slowly. “What time is it?"

“About 6:15. You two slept all day.”

The Uchiha blanched, and looked outside the window, the sky a bright orange as the sun creeped closer to the Earth. “Oh... I suppose we did.” 

“I’m going to go downstairs and make you two some coffee.”

Itachi gave him a grateful expression as he held his head in the palm of his hand, temples throbbing due to hangover.

Deidara swung his legs over the side of the bed and leaned over slowly, picking up his pants on the floor and reaching in the pocket for his phone. He had a missed call from Sasori and a couple texts from Hidan. He’d answer them later and call Sasori back when he felt more coherent. “Bathroom?” he mumbled tiredly. 

Itachi nodded over towards the adjoining master bath.

Deidara put on his jeans one leg at a time, not bothering to zip them as he trudged into the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself. 

Itachi picked up the pizza box, closing it and getting to his feet unsteadily. He let out a wide yawn and headed out of the bedroom and down the hallway, taking the stairs carefully and heading into the kitchen, where Kisame was putting coffee grounds into a filter. The box and crusts were tossed, and Itachi came up behind the officer, wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face in the crevasse of his spine, inhaling his scent deeply. “Are you terribly angry with me?”

“I’m disappointed, is all.”

“That’s far worse than being angry.”

“Next time, talk to me. Don’t push me away. I’m not trying to punish you by any means, Itachi, and I think you know that,” Kisame pressed the settings on the coffee maker and hit the button to begin brewing, brown liquid dripping into the coffee pot below, the bold scent of arabica beans wafting through the air. “And please, don’t get drunk anymore. You know you can’t do that on your probation.”

“I’m still not getting rid of the bottles...” Itachi mumbled lowly. 

Kisame turned to face him, tilting Itachi’s chin upwards. “I’m not asking you to. But I am going to pack them up and take them to my place until I know you won’t resort to such things again. You know you lose sight of yourself when alcohol is involved. Let me ease the temptation.”

“You already do. Every day.”

“I don’t care if you smoke. Just stay away from the wine. Promise me.”

Itachi’s cheeks flushed, and he held up his pinky. Kisame curled his around it and kissed their encircled fingers. “Thank you,” he said. “Have you two eaten anything at all today?”

“Not since last night. Deidara ate five and a half slices of pizza while I was on the phone with you. I literally had to yank the piece he was eating out of his hand so I’d at least have a decent amount for myself.”

“I’ll clean up and change and take you both out for sushi. Would you like that?”

Itachi smiled. “Are you being nice to my best friend in attempts to further get back in my good graces?”

“That is exactly what I am doing,” Kisame laughed softly and nodded in affirmative. 

“It’s working, just so you know.”

“Good.”

The two leaned in and shared a soft kiss, Kisame lingering for a bit. The taller man leaned his forehead against the raven’s and sighed, running his fingers through Itachi’s loose, flowing hair. “You know I’m crazy about you, kid.”

“I’m quite a mess, though.”

“Who isn’t, babe?”

“You.” 

Itachi gave Kisame a pointed expression. 

“I’m 32. You’re still only 26. Plenty of time for you to get your shit together,” the officer shrugged nonchalantly. “Just take everything one day at a time.”

“It’s easier said.”

Kisame smiled and smoothed a lock of hair behind Itachi’s ear. “I love you.”

“Don’t be mad at me if you can help it...”

“What?”

Itachi faltered briefly, hesitating as he tried to find the right words. “I kind of... made out with Deidara a little...?”

“Was this while you were drinking?” Kisame wrapped his muscled arms around Itachi’s waist.

“Yes.”

“Then you weren’t in full control of your mental faculties. You wouldn’t kiss him if you were sober, would you?”

“No. My feelings for him are platonic.”

“Then I can’t be mad. Though if you do do such things again, let me watch at least.”

The Uchiha’s jaw dropped. 

“What?” Kisame grinned widely. 

“You’re kind of perverted when it comes down to it,” Itachi spun in his grasp, facing away from his significant other so he couldn’t see the flush on his cheeks. 

Kisame said nothing, he simply leaned down and bit at the shell of the younger’s ear.

 _“Coffeeeee....”_ Deidara’s tenor floated through the living room as he trudged down the stairs in his jeans, red t-shirt slung over his shoulder. He yawned widely as he padded into the kitchen, sniffing the air.

“It’s brewing. So, I heard you slipped Itachi some tongue...”

The blond immediately looked far more lively at that. He held up his hands in surrender. “Just don’t hit the face, man.”

“Don’t worry about it. I can’t even consider you a threat, honestly.”

“Hey, I’m cute...!” Deidara protested, puffing out his cheeks and slipping his t-shirt over his head.

“I’m not denying that. But I know who he comes home to, and it ain’t you, kiddo,” Kisame squeezed Itachi possessively.

“Do I need to get out a ruler...?” Itachi mumbled, looking off to the side with annoyance.

“Nah. I’m done,” the police officer pressed a peck to the smaller man’s cheek and released him, opening an above head cabinet and taking out three coffee mugs. “Black?”

“Please,” Deidara and Itachi said in unison. They both looked at each other and the blond smiled while Itachi had an amused look.

“After you both wake up a little more, I’m taking us all out for dinner. You eat Japanese, right?” Kisame poured three cups of black coffee and handed one each to the blond and the raven, picking up the last one for himself and blowing on it before sipping.

Deidara sucked in a breath; it had been a while since he’d had sushi. “...Hey, why are you being nice?!” he said in an accusatory tone.

“Just because I’m a police officer doesn’t mean I’m a dick, you know. You’re the best friend of the man I’m in a relationship with. Don’t you agree that it makes sense we try to be friendly with each other?”

He had a fair point. Deidara slurped at the coffee in his mug, letting out a sigh as the warm liquid went down his throat and the caffeine surged to his head. “I’m really not going to say anything, you don’t have to go so far...”

“I’m doing it because I want to. To put it plainly, I like you better than I like his and your other best friend.”

“Hidan’s not all that bad...”

“He’s a 25-year-old recovering cocaine addict with a penchant for punching people and breaking their jaws. Not exactly the kind of person you want on the guest list at the wedding--” Itachi choked on his coffee in the background. Kisame continued, “...But I have no choice. He was in Itachi’s life before I was, so I have to tolerate him.”

“...So how exactly did you two... you know...” Deidara crossed his index and middle finger.

“Do you want to tell him or...?” Kisame glanced at Itachi, the smaller male now perched on top of the granite countertop near the spotless sink. 

“You can go ahead, dear.”

“I think it was... March?” the tanned officer looked over for confirmation and received a nod. “Anyways, it’s March. It’s his first day, along with a couple other new people. I have all his paperwork and information from the judge, and I know he’s here for not a first, but a second DWI. So I’m anticipating him giving me trouble, and I’m automatically under the impression that he’s just another idiot alcoholic. But he gets out of his car, and he’s in the middle of reading Tolstoy. I’m immediately intrigued, because he’s beautiful, and he doesn’t look the stereotypical drunk. For lack of better word, he’s perfect. And clearly intelligent...” Kisame moved to stand in front of Itachi and faced forward, the shorter man automatically wrapping his arms around him and resting his chin on his shoulder. “And I’m just sort of taken aback because he doesn’t look like he belongs with the rest of the probationers at all. So he finally makes it in front of me. And I tell him the same spiel I tell all of you lot. And he’s so polite. Asks me questions, really good ones. I find myself struggling to answer them because I’m so taken aback by how beautiful his eyes are up close. They’re unlike anything I’ve ever seen. He’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t immediately want to know more about him.”

Itachi smiled and pressed a kiss to Kisame’s cheek.

“Of course, I just kind of brush it off, because look at the circumstances we’re in. But I keep on watching him. And he works hard. He does everything asked of him without complaint. And he’s so meticulous and wants everything to be done right, and I notice this. I’m content to just watch him. And then a couple weeks later, during the lunch break, he comes up to me. And we just start talking. About books we’ve read, movies we’ve seen, what we like to do outside of work. And he’s just so smart and I feel my resolve weakening as I learn more and more about him. He always makes a point from then on to talk to me at least once during the work program.”

“You were the only person there worth talking to at the time. I was bored. And I thought you were handsome...” Itachi admitted openly.

“He’s been here for a month. And I’ve grown a soft spot and a fondness for him. I actually am looking forward to this glorified babysitting gig because I get to see _him._ And then one day after we’ve dismissed everyone, he’s still there. And he looks nervous. So I go up to him to see if there’s anything I can do. And he tells me point blank, that he understands the position that we’re both in. But that once he’s done with the program, if I would like to get coffee sometime.”

“...Clearly we both were unable to wait until that time. He asks me if I want to go get coffee right then and there.”

“I couldn’t help myself anymore. I wanted him. I didn’t care that it wasn’t allowed. At that moment all I could think about is how soft his skin felt under my hands every time I searched him. We’ve been together since that day. And it’s been hard, but I have no regrets. I found in him something I didn’t even know had been missing.”

Deidara sighed openly and grinned. “You both are better than a daytime soap opera.”

“And then two months later some mouthy shit comes to the program and the first thing he does upon seeing Itachi is grab him in a hug and lift him up off the ground...” Kisame grumbled.

“He was like, _“Who the fuck is that?!”_ when he called me later that night.”

“And I find out it’s your jail hook-up...”

“He wasn’t just a jail fling...” Itachi tugged the officer’s earlobe none too gently, narrowing his eyes.

“Yes, yes, you were friends first, I know. Point is, I was pissed. They immediately became attached at the hip and it became that much harder to get time with him alone.”

“You know Hidan knew about the two of you because you decided to give an impromptu blow-job at the food bank,” Deidara said cheekily. 

“I knew I saw somebody!” Itachi pushed Kisame’s broad, muscled shoulder. “But no, you didn’t want to stop...!”

“You try stopping when you looked as hot as you did at that moment. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

“Oh, hush!” 

Deidara finished his cup of coffee and leaned his elbows on the granite island countertop, propping his chin up in his palms. “So are you really gonna do it, hm?”

“Do what?” Itachi asked inquisitively. 

“Get married, duh.”

A bright flush darkened the Uchiha’s alabaster skin. “We’ve... discussed it briefly...”

“It wasn’t really much of a discussion, babe. You got all red-faced like you’re doing now, shook your head no, and said it was way too soon. I’ve already told you, I’ll take you down to the courthouse anytime you’re ready and do it.” 

“You might change your mind...” Itachi buried his face in the crook of Kisame’s neck and breathed in the scent of his sweat and cologne deeply, closing his eyes.

“I’ve seen the most flawed part of your being and it still didn’t scare me enough to make me want to run away. I’m just waiting for you to realize that.”

They really were a good couple. Deidara wondered what people saw when he was together was Sasori. He hoped inwardly that maybe someday they could get to the level of closeness that Kisame and Itachi shared with each other.

“I’m going to go wash up and change. Give me about fifteen minutes and we’ll go,” Kisame squeezed Itachi’s forearm lovingly as willowy limbs released him. “You want to follow behind, Deidara?”

“Yeah, I’m good to drive now.”

He waited until Kisame was up the stairs before getting close in Itachi’s personal space with a huge grin. “He has clothes over here too, huh?”

Itachi planted his palm flat in the blond’s face. “His lease is up in three months. He’s moving in with me, so yes, he has some of his things over here...!” 

“I ship you both!” Deidara cackled, moving Itachi’s hand and breaking into a peal of laughter at Itachi’s reddened face. “You’re so fucking easy to embarrass in front of him and I love it, hmm!”

Itachi outright pulled the blond’s ponytail, not roughly, but firm enough to get his point across. 

“Ah, ah, not the hair! I’ll be nice, I promise! I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go outside and smoke.”

“You’re a fucking liar. You’re going to call Hidan and tell him everything.”

“Don’t curse, Itachi!” Deidara said in a sing-song tone as he went outside the sliding patio door and took a moment to take in the Uchiha’s large garden of flowers, each type a varying shade of deep red. 

Itachi rolled his eyes and went up the stairs to put on his clothes.

\-------------------------------------------

“So I pull up to the house. And clear as fucking day, these two girls are beating the crap out of each other. One has only panties on, no bra. There’s a naked guy standing off to the side not doing anything, he has the biggest shit-eating grin on his face as he watches them beat the tar out of each other. I wanted to smack the shit out of him. My partner has no idea what to do. So I get out, and I’m separating the women, and they’re still swinging at each other trying to pull hair, scratch...”

Kisame was animatedly telling Deidara and Itachi about the incident that had happened today while he was at work, chopsticks balanced in his hand and a piece of smoked salmon nigiri pinched between them.

“That explains the mark on your face, hmm!” the blond said, plucking a piece of the shaggy dog maki up with his chopsticks from the platter situated in between the three, an assortment of colorful fish and rice arranged artfully on it. 

“Oh God, she fucking decks me. The half-naked one. She had a cannon on her! And I’m forcing her down and slapping a pair of cuffs on her, and then the other, the girlfriend I’m assuming, she _hops on my fucking back._ So I toss her over my shoulder and slap a pair on her, too! And then they start screaming and yelling and crying and the guy is still just standing there, naked. The worst part is, he’s rock-hard. Are you for serious right now. That’s what gets you off?”

Itachi hid his amused look behind his cup of hot green tea. 

“I tell him to put some fucking clothes on, for the love of all things decent. My partner is talking to the mistress, trying to calm her down. The girlfriend is still screaming, so I load her in the back of the car and call for backup, because this is just way too much bullshit for me to handle. We get another squad car out there, and by this time the girlfriend has calmed down enough to give a statement. Sure as shit, she comes home early from work and the boyfriend is banging the mistress. They both get a disorderly, the mistress gets assault on a police officer in addition. I couldn’t get the guy for shit, but I nearly made him piss himself when I got in his face and started yelling at him for being a piece of shit and causing all this drama.”

“We’ll put a steak on it when we get home, dear...” Itachi gently examined the bruise on Kisame’s jaw.

“It’s not like this all the time, thank God. But then you get things like that and it makes you question, is the job really worth it?” the officer dipped the piece of smoked salmon nigiri into soy sauce and ate it. “That’s why I honestly do not mind doing the work program. I get a break from all the insanity that goes on during the rest of the week.” 

“Well, I fucking salute you, my dude. That’s some crazy stuff.”

“By the way. Your CSO is Konan Bya, right? She’s been requesting regular progress reports from me about you... Hey, don’t look like that, I’ve only told her good things!”

Deidara coughed on the piece of sushi that had gotten lodged in his throat. Kisame leaned over and gave him a hearty smack on the back, the action freeing the rice so the blond could swallow it properly. Coughing a few more times, he sucked in a deep breath. “She’s intimidating, hmm!”

“At least I don’t have to give her the kind of reports I have to make about Hidan to CSO Hoku. He’s going to strangle that kid if he keeps on cutting up.”

 _‘Little bit too late there...’_

The teal-eyed male gave Itachi a pointed look, which Itachi returned with a lilt of his lips into a smirk.

“Hey, what’s the deal with you and Akasuna, anyways? Pretty sure I told you the work program ain’t a dating service...” 

“You might as well call it what it is, sweetheart. It’s how we met, after all...” Itachi moved away a piece of sushi rice that was stuck to the side of Kisame’s lips.

“This isn’t Match.com!”

“You can’t really complain! It’s not like he and I are sneaking off to go blow each other...”

“Touche. And fuck you.”

The blond laughed and devoured more sushi, pausing mid-bite with a piece of tuna sticking out of his mouth as his phone rang. 

Sasori.

“I gohha tak dis... ah’m done...” he said with his mouth full.

“Want us to get the check?”

Deidara nodded and got up from his chair, excusing himself and walking away to a more secluded part of the dimly-lit Japanese restaurant. 

Waiting until Deidara was far enough away, Itachi picked up a piece of sushi with his chopsticks and held it out for Kisame with a flush on his cheeks. The police officer grinned and accepted the proffered nibble, and kissed him on the cheek. 

“You really are quite cute.”

“Hush, you.”

Finishing chewing and swallowing, Deidara cleared his throat and swiped across the screen of his phone, holding it to his face. “Hey, I saw you called, sorry I didn’t pick up...”

_“I just wanted to make sure you were OK and didn’t get too drunk last night.”_

“How’d you know I was drunk?"

_“Because misery loves company, babe.”_

He wasn’t going to tell Sasori that he had kissed Itachi. Whereas he and Kisame had unyielding, mutual trust in each other, Deidara still wasn’t sure of his position in Sasori’s life yet, and wouldn’t be for a little while longer. At least, not until the redhead asked him to be exclusive. 

They were just dating, is all. There was no established claim on anyone. So it wasn’t really of consequence, the blond thought. 

_“Do you have plans this weekend?”_

“Yes. I’m coming over to your place and staying with you, my man, hmm.”

_“You’re damned right you are, brat.”_

Deidara grinned into the receiver. “You miss me.”

_“Do you want me to lie and say I don’t?”_

“You like me,” he pressed on, smile widening further.

_“I did make you another present, so you can interpret it how you will.”_

“You carved me something new?” the teal-eyed male perked up. In addition to the small bird, he now had a spider, an owl, and a bat. All of them were on the nightstand next to his bed so they would be the first thing he would look at the morning, and the last thing before he slept.

_“It’s a bit bigger than the others. You remember that dragon you were working on that you dropped and smashed?”_

“You made me my dragon?” 

_“You’ll get it tomorrow.”_

“You’re the best. I promise I won’t tell anyone you’re actually kind of sweet, hmm.”

_“I do have a reputation to uphold.”_

“Sasori... how many more weeks do you have left?” 

_“Four. You think that when I’m done I won’t speak to you anymore.”_

“I have wondered, yeah.”

_“Is your self-esteem really that pathetic, brat?”_

“Oy!”

_“You still don’t understand my intentions yet. I suppose it can’t be helped... I’ll just have to make them clearer to you when the time is right.”_

All the blood in Deidara’s body converged south at the husky tone in Sasori’s words. “Well, fuck.”

_“You are the very picture of eloquence.”_

“Aren’t I really, though, hm?” 

Sasori laughed softly into the receiver. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, my man. I’m out having dinner with Itachi and Kisame.”

_“What are we having?”_

“Sushi.”

_“.......You aren’t at Azuma, are you?”_

“I think we are, why?”

_“I wanted to take you there this weekend.”_

Deidara let out a noise, his face turning beet red. Every time Sasori said he wanted to go somewhere public with him, he always felt his heart lurch like it were on a rollercoaster. 

_“You’re making that funny noise you do whenever I tell you we’re going out again.”_

“I can’t help it! You’re hot, and I’m dating you and--”

_“I think you’re the more attractive one.”_

The younger let out a squawk and incoherently mouthed an exaggerated exclamation, eyes staring at the ceiling. “You’re making me lose my shit again!”

He could hear the smile in Sasori’s voice. 

_“Goodnight, brat. ‘Til tomorrow.”_

“I’m looking forward to it,” the blond said seriously, biting down on his bottom lip as he ended the call. 

“And you say we’re cute.”

Deidara let out a surprised noise and jumped a few feet in the air, clutching his chest. Kisame and Itachi were standing behind him, holding a to-go container. 

“Here. You take the rest. I have to get up early, and I have to prep this one for his meeting in front of the judge on Monday,” the officer said, giving the youngest the styrofoam box. 

“Oh, that’s right! You have to go before the judge Monday since you walked out and then didn’t show up Thursday. What do you think will happen?”

“He has Judge Senju. She’s pretty fair. More than likely she’ll tack another week or two onto his hours and call it a day. I just want to make sure he’s aware of what all will go on during the process."

“You both really do take good care of each other, hm.”

“We’ll see you Tuesday?”

“Yep. I’ll be there. You both drive home safe.” Deidara leaned in and hugged Itachi, and he gave Kisame a fistbump, the two walking towards the front of the restaurant and exiting. 

As they walked to Kisame’s car, the taller man reached over and grabbed Itachi’s ass, palming it with a grin. “I’m going to wreck you when we get home.”

“Drive fast, then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want a significant other that supports me like Kisame does Itachi is that so much to ask for.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There's more violent KakuHida porn. You've been warned.

\-----------------------

_Fine Young Criminals_

\------------------------

_Chapter Eight_

This was the best day of the month. It was the 11th of August, and the 11th day of each month was when Hidan was happiest. It was when his food stamps card refilled.

Nothing could ruin his great mood, not even Deidara’s incessant whining to him that Sasori had only a week left in the program now that it was mid-month. Itachi had been given an extension until the beginning of September, and both Deidara and himself were due for termination from the program in the same week of October, just on different days. 

Nobody saw him complaining!

However, today everyone was going to see him brag. Sometimes living in poverty was awesome. There were government perks, after all. 

Hidan strolled out of the grocery store, wearing a plain white wifebeater that showed off the red inked tattoo of the symbol of Jashin on his right bicep, black jeans and combat boots, and his rosary. Black wayfarers were perched on his nose as he held his phone in one hand, the other one clutching multiple plastic grocery bags, those that he couldn’t carry looped around his arm. The weight was making the muscle in his arms define openly, and he was rather feeling himself, today.

And when Hidan was feeling himself, everyone had to feel him, too. 

He’d openly flirted with every attractive person he’d come across while on his trek back to his apartment. Male or female, it did not matter, any and all persons were targeted with his attention. 

He’d been in the middle of propositioning a thin blonde woman with waist-length hair pulled back into a ponytail when his phone rang. He scowled as he didn’t recognize the number. “Hey, gimme just a sec, toots,” he said to the woman, sliding his finger across the screen. “Who the fuck is this and what the fuck do you want?”

The uncomfortable-looking girl took that as her opportunity to escape.

_“Hidan.”_

His wayfarers slipped down the bridge of his nose and his jaw slackened as he recognized the deep baritone immediately. The owner of said voice had been prevalent on his mind for the past few weeks, after all.

“Aaah, _Kakuzu!_ You shitty old bastard, what the hell are you doing calling my phone?!”

_“I’m calling you because you’re currently in a contract with the county for probation and I’m your supervisory officer, you simpleton. Has all that nose candy gone to your brain and made you stupid?”_

“Maybe just a little bit!” Hidan grinned and replied snarkily. “But really, what do you fucking want?”

_“I take it you don’t recall that I told you you would have an unscheduled home visit?”_

“You want to do that now? I’m not home, I just got groceries!”

_“Then GET home. I’m here now, you fool.”_

Hidan blanched as Kakuzu disconnected the call. “Jashin, even after blowing that fucking jerk he’s still a piece of shit!” he yelled, taking off in a run back towards his apartment.

Thankfully he was only about four blocks away, but what a sight he must have looked, running at full speed carrying a bunch of plastic bags. He skidded to a stop in front of his apartment building, and smoothed his hair back with a lick of his fingertips, pushing his sunglasses up again on his nose and breathing in slower in an effort to lower his quickened heart rate. No way was he going to give that old geezer the satisfaction of knowing he’d _ran_ for him.

His apartment was in the very back of the decades old white brick apartment building. It was a shithole, but it was _Hidan’s_ shithole, and as long as the rent was paid, his landlord didn’t give a fuck what he did. He could run a meth lab in the damn place and not even gotten an eyelash batted.

He was pretty sure that’s exactly what his neighbor was doing, anyways.

And there he was, just as he said he’d be. Kakuzu was leaning against the railing of Hidan’s patio space on the second floor, the curved metal rusting orange and the white paint peeling in spots.

Hidan pointed at him with his free hand irritatedly. “See? I’m home, and I’m not high! You can go now, Kakuzu!” he yelled openly. 

“Normally that would be good enough, but there’s something we need to discuss.”

The violet-eyed male’s heart lurched. “Nope! No fuckin’ idea what you’re talkin’ about! Nothing we need to talk about at all!”

 _“Hidan.”_

Kakuzu’s voice was low and dangerous, and it made a softball-sized lump form in Hidan’s throat. The younger man swallowed and nodded. 

He didn’t want to talk. He wasn’t dumb, he knew exactly what it was about. He’d replayed this exact scenario in his head dozens upon dozens of times, and every way it always ended up with Kakuzu exiting out of his life. 

It was happening now right before his very eyes. And he couldn’t stop it.

Immediately becoming depressed, Hidan trudged up the stairs slowly and withdrew his key from his pocket, unlocking the door and motioning for Kakuzu to follow him inside. 

The white-painted walls were covered in symbols of Jashin in varying sizes, comprised of black and red spray paint, the aerosol cans laying on their side uncapped on the dark stained hardwood floor. The apartment was bare except for a leather sofa and coffee table, and his mattress and box spring in the corner, the black sheets wrinkled and well-slept-in. There was a runner table pressed up against the wall with a red cloth draped over it and tall pillar candles with burnt wicks. In the center was a handmade metal sculpture of Jashin. The entire room smelled strongly of sage and cigarettes, making Kakuzu wrinkle his nose.

“Hey! Take your fucking shoes off, this is a holy space!” Hidan snapped, setting down his groceries on the floor and unlacing and toeing off his boots.

The older man shut the door of the apartment and rolled his eyes. “I won’t be here long.”

Hidan grit his teeth. “Just fucking do it, you shitty old heretic. I’m being nice and letting you in my space, and I barely let any motherfuckers in here,” he rifled through the plastic bags for his frozen items and crammed the boxes under his arm, walking into the tiny kitchen space and sticking them in the freezer portion of the refrigerator.

Kakuzu sighed and rolled his jade-green eyes, but took off his shoes anyways. “We need to discuss what happened in my off--”

The silver-haired man cut him off in the middle of his speech, walking back into the living area. “There’s nothing to talk about. What, you think you’re the first person to do that to me? You’re not that special, Kakuzu!” 

“I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.”

Hidan threw his head back and let out a barking laugh, taking off his sunglasses and tossing them onto the nearby coffee table. “And what fucking idea would that be, huh? I’m not under any fucking illusions here.”

It was happening. Just like how he’d been dreaming and envisioning it. And he wanted it to stop, but it was like a train crashing into a car. It _couldn’t_ be stopped.

“...Good.” 

He felt himself getting more manic by the second. “It’s not like you did what you did to me because you like me or anything! That would be fucking stupid! Haha... ahaha... _hah...”_

Kakuzu said nothing, he simply eyed him and frowned.

“So that was it, right?”

“Not entirely.”

“Now what?!”

“I’m transferring your case over to CSO Konan Bya. I feel she would be better equipped to handle your... _situation...”_

Hidan saw red. 

“So... you’re just going to fucking _use_ me like that and then _throw me away_ like it meant nothing!?” he screeched, clenching his fists so hard that his nails broke the skin, the small lacerations drawing the most minute amounts of blood.

The CSO folded his arms across his broad chest. “What were you expecting, Hidan? It _did_ mean nothing.”

“You’re a fucking liar.”

_“Excuse me?”_

“I said you’re a FUCKING _LIAR,_ KAKUZU!” Hidan drew his arm back, muscles flexing as he sailed his fist towards Kakuzu’s jaw. 

Green eyes widened and he barely dodged the punch. Kakuzu countered with a fist to Hidan’s stomach, landing squarely and sending the younger doubling over and clutching his belly as he coughed up thick strands of saliva. Kakuzu took that opportunity to curl his fingers around the column of Hidan’s throat, drawing the other man back up to his full height and staring him straight in his violet eyes. “What the fuck were you thinking? That after all this time we’ve known each other, that you’ve come into my office, that I would somehow have feelings for you? Look at you, Hidan. You’re a fucking mess.”

“.......Do you want to know why I’ve been getting high still?” Hidan breathed out, not struggling in Kakuzu’s grip. 

“Enlighten me, if you think it will help your cause.”

“Because I don’t have to think about you. I don’t have to think about how much I miss you.”

Kakuzu released his hold on Hidan’s throat to smack him roughly, splitting open the younger’s lip upon impact and making him yell out in pain. “You’re playing a dangerous game, Hidan,” the taller man hissed.

Licking the blood welling up on his split bottom lip, Hidan relished in the metallic tang. “I don’t have to think about how much I want you.”

“That’s enough, Hidan.”

He continued on. “We’ve been dancing around each other for months.”

_“Hidan.”_

“I know you feel it too, Kakuzu. Stop _fucking_ lying.”

Kakuzu gripped Hidan by the hair roughly with one hand, the other clenching his tank top and rosary in a tight grip as he drew the smaller man close. “I _said,_ that’s enough.”

“Stop fucking lying to _yourself.”_

His nose was touching Hidan’s. 

“I am twenty-one years older than you, Hidan...”

The younger laughed openly. “Yeah, you’re a old fucking fart, but do you think I care?? _Ow!”_

He’d pulled on his hair again. The hand that was gripping his shirt relaxed, and his fingertips traced along Hidan’s collarbone, lingering for a moment. “You are absolutely fucking infuriating, kid.”

Opening his mouth to yell at him again, Hidan was silenced by lips pressing to his roughly. He was so shocked that he almost didn’t register what was happening to him mentally.

For all the times he had envisioned this unfolding, not once had this scenario crossed his brain. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms fiercely around the older man, returning the liplock heatedly, the taste of his blood mingling with their saliva as the kiss was deepened, Kakuzu’s tongue invading his mouth, seeking, claiming. 

It was better than he ever could have imagined in his wildest daydreams, being kissed by Kakuzu.

Hidan moaned openly and trailed his hands down to the buttons of Kakuzu’s shirt, unbuttoning them deftly and yanking the soft polyester material from broad, tanned shoulders. Kakuzu shrugged off the shirt completely and broke their kiss to divest Hidan of his flimsy cotton tank, nails raking down his shoulders and chest and leaving angry red marks, skin splitting in some spots and drawing out a pleasured gasp from Hidan. 

Kakuzu gathered him up in his arms, lifting Hidan’s weight effortlessly. The younger looped his legs around his waist and latched his lips onto Kakuzu’s neck, ignoring the warning growl he elicited and sucking on his skin anyways. He was deposited on the bed in the corner, Kakuzu gripping his thighs roughly with his palms and leaning in, their lips meeting once more. 

“Fuck... Kakuzu...” Hidan breathed out in between kisses, gasping as Kakuzu ground their hips together.

“Shut up.”

The older man began peppering rough bites all over Hidan’s neck and shoulders, enjoying the flush that creeped from the silver-haired man’s cheeks and down to his throat and collarbone. He paused in his ministrations to eye the tattoo on Hidan’s ribs of a red three-bladed scythe, letting out a noise. “It’s fitting...” he said, dragging his tongue along the ink.

“How so...?” Hidan breathed out heavily the suck of air he didn’t even know he’d been holding in his lungs.

“Because you’re going to be the death of me.”

“Haha... hah... not unless you kill me first, Kakuzu...” 

“...We’ll see.”

He bit down on the flesh under the tattoo hard enough to draw blood, eliciting a pained groan from the smaller male underneath him. Kakuzu felt the subconscious, primal urge to mark, to marr that pretty white skin as his and his alone. He didn’t understand much the hold that Hidan had over him, the way he managed to get under his skin and piss him off. It was as if the younger was programmed to specifically set him into a rage, with his lackadaisical attitude, his poor concept of money management, and those ridiculous religious tangents of his false God. 

He’d somehow hooked his fingers into his heart and made him feel something for him, and Kakuzu hated him for it. He hated him, and he wanted him, strongly. It was the most quixotic, ironic oxymoron, this. And yet, as he bore his green eyes into odd violet, he had known unlike Hidan that this would be the outcome of it. He’d been so ready to get the other out of his life because he knew if it kept on, that he wouldn’t be able to keep his distance. 

Hidan was right. He had been lying to himself. He’d been lying because it had been easier, because none of this made sense. _They_ didn’t make sense.

But Hidan just had to push him, didn’t he? He couldn’t just accept ‘no’, and now there was no way he could stay away. It had been over the second he’d kissed the younger. 

He’d tasted of ash and tobacco and blood, and it drove Kakuzu insane with want. He wanted to break Hidan, only to stitch him back up again and do it all over once more. He let out a ragged breath as he felt Hidan’s hands working at the button of his slacks and undoing them eagerly. He was reminded of the warmth of the younger’s mouth, how good it had felt to fuck his throat, and he immediately hardened fully. 

Hidan sat up all the way and scooted up his body along the mattress, Kakuzu realigning his position so his groin was eye level to the violet-eyed man. Hidan fished the older man’s cock out from his pants, closing his eyes and engulfing his arousal to mid-length, curling his lips around his teeth automatically the way he’d remembered Kakuzu had liked, and began sucking hard.

Maybe it had been because he had been doing all of the work that time, but this had felt better than it had back in his office. Kakuzu couldn’t resist burying his hands in short silver locks and pulling hard, tilting Hidan’s head back slightly. He bit his bottom lip as those oddly-colored eyes looked up at him.

Hidan really was all too eager to please, wasn’t he? 

Kakuzu gripped his hair rougher and began fucking Hidan’s mouth in tandem, thrusting his hips forward every time he’d move down his length, reaching untold depths in his throat and eliciting choked groans from the younger. He really did like being used like this. He’d denied it back in his office, but Hidan really wanted to be treated roughly. He seemed to crave it, almost. 

It was a good thing. Kakuzu was by no means a tender man, and the way he fucked matched his blunt attitude and ferocious temper. It’s why he’d never been with someone more than once. He didn’t foresee this issue with Hidan; he’d still wanted him even after how the older man had violated his mouth. 

“Do it again.”

“Hm?” he said, losing his train of thought. 

“I want you to fuck my mouth again like you did last time, Kakuzu.”

Yeah. Definitely not an issue. 

A hint of a smirk ghosted Kakuzu’s lips as he pulled Hidan by the hair as hard as he possibly could, a sharp cry coming from the other that was cut off by his hard length being buried to the hilt in his mouth and throat. Soft hairs tickled Hidan’s nose, making his brows furrow and his jaw throb painfully as Kakuzu began a punishing rhythm, pushing in and out of his mouth.

Hidan’s arousal strained against his jeans, and he unbuttoned and unzipped them, pushing them down and off completely and curling a fist around his hard cock and stroking as his mouth was fucked. His bottom lip was bleeding freely, droplets trailing down his chin and throat, and the corners of his lips were straining, stretching. He let out a noise as finally the left side split, blood welling up slowly and mingling with the taste of saliva and flesh. 

He let out a noise as Kakuzu withdrew his length from his aching throat that morphed into a sharp gasp of surprise as his body was suddenly flipped over, the taller man shoving two fingers in his mouth and pressing his length against Hidan’s ass. Closing his abused lips over the offending digits, Hidan sucked them sloppily, coating them liberally with saliva and blood. They were removed from his mouth, and Kakuzu didn’t even give him time to brace himself as he inserted both at the same time. 

Hidan let out a loud scream as his body was invaded, the pain from the intrusion sending a hard throb to his dick. “Fuck...! Jashin!”

“Jashin isn’t here with you now, Hidan. I am,” Kakuzu breathed into his ear, biting down hard enough for his incisor to tear the skin. 

“Ffffuck... Kakuzu... _Kakuzu...”_

“Hm?”

“I’m... really, really happy. It hurts like hell, but it’s so good, because it’s you.”

Kakuzu said nothing, though his expression softened. He withdrew his fingers from deep within Hidan and positioned his cock at his entrance, grabbing a handful of short silver locks and pulling the younger man back flush against his chest, kissing him hard as he thrust inside of him fluidly.

Hidan’s vision went white and he opened his mouth in a silent scream as he felt his insides penetrated. It hurt, beyond any pain he had felt, and he’d been stabbed, shot, and none of them could compare. But it was a good pain, this. It was good, because it was _Kakuzu_ inflicting it upon him. It was Kakuzu inside of him making him bleed and _feel._

“...Are you all right?”

“Haha... it really hurts...! Hahah... hah... wow...” Hidan breathed out, tears welling in the corner of his eyes.

“You’re torn a little. Do you want me to stop?”

“Hell no! I can fucking handle it! Don’t even think about it, Kakuzu, you can’t just go this far and then quit on me!”

“...Suit yourself.”

Hidan let out a noise as he was pressed down roughly onto the mattress, Kakuzu’s weight pinning him down as he withdrew his cock and then slammed it back inside, establishing a harsh, punishing rhythm that made Hidan gasp and choke on his groans as the stinging pain from each thrust traveled up his spine.

Jashin, but the pain was exquisite. 

“Fuck.... haah... _fuck..._ Kakuzu...”

He was answered with kisses and bite marks peppered all along his shoulders and back, Kakuzu giving a particularly harsh thrust that made his back bow and the younger man keen loudly.

“There, huh?” the money-obsessed CSO continued angling in the same spot, Hidan unravelling right before his eyes as he continued his onslaught on his prostate. 

“Oh my.... fucking Jashin...! FUCK. FUCK. _FFFUUCK!”_ Hidan verbalized openly, tossing his head back and near-screaming as Kakuzu began jackhammering his hips quickly, only to slow down to drawn-out, purposefully teasing thrusts that made the younger whine shamelessly. “Kakuzu, you shit! Don’t fucking tease me!!”

“I’ll do what I want to you.”

“That’s.... _not fair...”_ Hidan groaned low in his throat as Kakuzu began moving his cock in and out of him faster again. 

“Shut up.”

Kakuzu pulled on Hidan’s hair, drawing his head back far enough to capture his lips in a rough kiss that made the smaller man’s heart throb in his chest painfully. 

This was all he’d ever wanted it to be and he was so afraid of it being taken away.

“Kakuzu...” he breathed out, nipping at the older man’s bottom lip and tugging it with his teeth, the action eliciting a low groan.

“Hidan... where do you want it?” Kakuzu slowed his thrusts back down to that same teasing pace that drove the other crazy with want. 

“Cum in me... I want to feel it...”

Shifting and pulling out suddenly, Kakuzu flipped Hidan’s body over so he was facing him and drew his legs up to his shoulders, thrusting back in harshly, the slide easier with the blood and saliva coating his cock. He moved to hit the angle that he knew would send Hidan back into a frenzy, and the younger responded with loud shouts that betrayed his pleasure at being undone so thoroughly.

Hidan’s body felt electric, all pulses and synapses and Jashin, it was so much more fucking intense than he ever could have anticipated. His chest burned with each suck of air he strained to draw into his lungs as he was fucked, _used._ Kakuzu was like a maelstrom, taking what he wanted and only giving what he wanted to in return, and it made their sadomasochistic tryst all the more hotter. 

Just when he thought he couldn’t be any more turned on, Kakuzu closed his fingers around his throat and began choking him hard. The previous bruises had already faded, and Hidan’s eyes widened in excitement of being left new ones that visibly marked him as Kakuzu’s. Every scratch, every laceration, every slap and pull of his hair made the masochistic monster inside of him purr in ecstasy.

“Kakuzu... Kakuzu... use... both hands...” he breathed out in between the older man’s violent thrusts. 

Giving a harsh squeeze to the column of his throat, Kakuzu curled both hands around his windpipe and squeezed, the action eliciting a choked moan from Hidan, his eyes closing shut as the slow loss of oxygen to his brain made him lightheaded and euphoric. 

He’d never felt so high, not even on his most fervent of cocaine binges. 

He would die if he couldn’t have this again. Kakuzu really would kill him. 

Rasping out a harsh exhalation that barely escaped his lips, Hidan fisted his cock and began stroking it furiously, on the cusp of his release. He bit down on his bloodied bottom lip as Kakuzu buried himself deeply in his ass.

“Look at me.”

Hidan’s eyes flew open and met jade green. 

He couldn’t hold back anymore under that gaze. Moaning loudly, his vision blurred white as his orgasm overtook him and he spilled into his hand and on his chest and belly, the intensity making him clench around Kakuzu tightly. 

The sudden constriction on his cock made Kakuzu groan audibly, and he gave a few more harsh pistons of his hips, going slack-jawed as he released inside of Hidan, his cock shooting spurt after spurt of hot cum. The sensation of being filled made Hidan openly purr, and all the blood came rushing back into his head suddenly and made him dizzy when Kakuzu released his hands from his throat abruptly.

It was too much. 

Hidan’s world went black.

\--------------------------------------

He felt like he was floating.

Hidan didn’t want to come down. He didn’t want to open his eyes for fear that it had all been an illusion. 

He shifted his body, and the pain he felt shoot up his spine, and the dull aching of his lips made him wince. His violet orbs fluttered open and blurred as his vision came back into focus. “Kaku...zu...?” he breathed out, looking around for the other man but seeing no trace of him. 

The silver-haired man sat up slowly, exhaling sharply as the pain became more prudent. He moved the sheets off his body and slowly placed his feet flat on the hardwood floor, unsteadily standing up and groaning. He felt like he’d been hit by an eighteen-wheeler. 

He probably looked like it, too. 

Hidan slowly padded over towards his altar of Jashin, bracing his hands on the wood of the table and looked at his reflection in the mirror hanging above it. He touched his split lip and licked at it, tasting the dried blood. Ten bruises in the shape of fingerprints were visible against the stark white of his pale skin. His shoulders and chest had angry red scratches and they stung when he ran his finger down a long mark. He had teeth marks all along his person that had clotted, Kakuzu having bit him hard enough to break through epidermal layers, especially on his ribs underneath his tattoo. 

There was some dried blood on his inner thighs, and he resigned himself to take a shower. Standing back up straight and groaning, he rubbed his lower back and looked down at the altar, a folded piece of paper catching his vision. 

He picked it up and unfolded it, eyes scanning the neat penmanship. 

_**I’m still transferring your case to Konan. But it’s for a different reason this time. We have a conflict of interest that has arisen that would make it unethical for me to continue to supervise your probation.** _

_**Call me when you’re ready. You put yourself into this situation, don’t think you can escape from it by having the illusion that this was a one-time thing.** _

_**PS--** _

_**Pay your fucking fees.** _

_**Kakuzu** _

“Haha... hehehehah...” Hidan laughed with a grin, hugging the piece of paper to his chest. “Kakuzu, you shitty old geezer, I knew you cared after all.”

The 11th really was the best day of the month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brought to you by my unhealthy love for Rauhreif doujins.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I decided to stop being a tease and give you all what you (I think) came here for--Sasori and Deidara.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Nine_

“Hidan.”

Deidara deadpanned as his best friend closed the passenger door to the Celica and buckled in.

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, I got laid on Friday. And again on Sunday night.”

“You look like a domestic violence case! What the hell kind of ‘getting laid’ are you having done to you!?”

“Violent, sexy getting laid,” Hidan replied with a wiggle of his brows. 

“You really are completely nuts, hm.”

“Gehehahahah!”

Rolling his teal eyes, the blond eyed the bruises on the column of Hidan’s throat. “So... your CSO, huh? What’s with you and Itachi and banging dudes in positions of authority?”

“First of all, it’s fucking hot. Second, he’s not my CSO anymore. We’re _dating,”_ Hidan had a sparkle in his violet eyes as he spoke. “And because we’re dating, he had to be a noble shit and transfer my case over to CSO Bya.”

“Are you sure you’re dating and not just having kinky hate sex?”

“He’s taking me to a movie tonight, so fuck you. Jashin, Barbie, just because you’re not interested in me doesn’t mean that everyone has the same mindset as you.”

“Oy, I didn’t mean it like that...” 

“I’m just fucking with you.”

Hidan shifted his hips and reached into his pocket, pulling out his pack of cigarettes and fishing one out, lighting it. He cracked the window and exhaled the smoke, looking at Deidara pointedly. “So when are _you_ going to get laid?”

“Ah, that’s...” Deidara flushed, glancing off to the side as they pulled up to a red light on their way towards the food bank.

“I don’t get it. You find someone you like, you do it with them!”

“Maybe it’s that simple for you, hm!”

“But what if Red is really, really horrible at it? You’ll have wasted all this time with him for nothing.”

The blond blanched and looked at Hidan with a miffed expression. “Just because we want to wait until it feels right to do it doesn’t mean that someone is bad at it! And I wouldn’t have wasted time. I actually have feelings for him, so it’s not like it’s all for nothing.”

“You’re a _really_ horrible liar. You _do_ want to do it with him now. I bet you stay up late into the wee hours of the morning making friends with lefty and thinking about Red the entire time you’re jerking it.”

“It’s my right hand, thanks! And it doesn’t matter if I want to do it now if the person I want to do it with isn’t there yet!” 

“OK, but have you actually asked him if he wants to wait? For all you know, he could think that it’s _you_ that needs time to build up to it.” 

“........Shit.”

It was Sasori’s last week of the work program. On Thursday his hours would be finished, his paperwork filed with the courts, and he no longer would have to spend his Tuesdays and Thursdays doing manual labor. He could go back to how his life was, and for all Deidara knew, that could mean him not being a fixture in it. 

“Have you guys even talked about wanting to be with just each other?”

“We’ve kind of been... going with it. Not really putting a label on things, I guess you could say.”

“Do you _want_ to slap a label on it? Be boyfriends and hold hands and do all that queer-ass shit?”

“.....Yes.”

“Maybe you should tell him when you see him again.”

Deidara pressed down on the gas pedal when the light turned green, glancing into the rear view mirror and flipping his signal to merge onto the upcoming freeway. “Since when do you make sense when it comes to relationships? You always seemed like you were against that kind of thing.”

“I wasn’t _against_ it, I just wanted to be with one person in particular. And now I am. I told you I was holding out, just like you’ve been.”

“You really do seem happier. But do you think it’ll be enough to make you want to stop using, hm?”

“The sex I’m having now is better than any drug I’ve ever been on. I actually don’t want to go out and buy coke, and now that I’m working I could easily do that. I just... I want him to see me as more than that. I want to be better. Kakuzu makes me want to be better than the piece of shit I know I am. That can’t be a bad thing, right?”

“Hidan, I think you’re growing up a little,” Deidara teased with a grin, leaning over and pinching the silver-haired male’s cheek. “Itachi will be so proud.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to tell Mom I’m getting fucked!” Hidan said sarcastically, though he was grinning just as widely.

“How has work been, by the way?”

“I have no clue at all what anyone says to me all fucking day and I love it.”

“I guess ignorance really is bliss, huh?”

“Fuck yeah it is.”

“Haha! You’re so weird, Hidan.”

They shared no more words on the rest of the drive to the food bank, instead enjoying a comfortable silence, the only sounds being the CD playing on the stereo. When they pulled into the parking lot, Sasori and Itachi were already there waiting, the two of them smoking their clove cigarettes and looking deep in discourse about something. 

“So are you going to talk to him?” Hidan asked as Deidara steered his car into the nearest empty parking spot to the two other men.

“You really think I should?”

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

“Point.”

Deidara shifted his car into park and cut the engine, taking his Newports out of his jeans pocket but not before lighting one and depositing it in between his lips. Hidan shifted around and removed his own pack of cigarettes from his pockets and stuffed them under the passenger seat with his lighter, having nothing else on his person.

Both of them getting out and shutting and locking the doors, Hidan immediately held up his arms and approached Itachi. 

“Itchy! _Have I got a story for you!”_ he hollered, wrapping his arm around the dark-haired man and leading him away from Sasori and Deidara. 

“Why do you look like a victim of spousal abuse...?” Itachi’s voice floated as they walked off.

“Hey, babe,” Sasori extended his hand, reaching out for Deidara’s and lacing their fingers. “Something on your mind?”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.” 

Sasori motioned for him to sit next to him on the hood of the XK, taking a drag off his cigarette. 

“You told me not to waste your time, Sasori.”

“And?”

“I don’t want to waste mine either. Are you actually legitimately interested in being with me, or am I just an excellent distraction?”

The redhead frowned openly. “Wow, tell me how you really feel, brat.”

“I’m just saying. I know I want to be with you seriously, I just don’t know yet if you’re at that same place because we don’t really ever talk about it.”

“I wouldn't have let it go on for this long if I didn't see myself being with you. Are you upset with me?”

“A little, yeah. You keep on telling me you’re going to show me your intentions and you still haven’t. I don’t want to wait around for something that may or may not happen. Just... think about it, and let me know, hm,” Deidara took his hand back from the other and got up from the hood of the car, exhaling cigarette smoke past his lips and walking back towards Hidan and Itachi. 

Sasori looked over his shoulder and watched him walk away, a deep frown still marring his features as he placed his cigarette between his lips and crossed his arms over his chest contemplatively.

 _“Let’s pack it in and start lining up, people!”_ Kisame’s voice rang out as he unlocked the back of the police van, probates lazily trickling into a single-file line near the receiving doors of the food bank.

Hidan outstretched his arm as Deidara approached and wrapped it around him. “You good, Babs?”

“I kind of feel like an asshole, but it was necessary. I mean... if you’d been dating someone for almost six weeks, wouldn’t you want to know if it was going to go anywhere?”

“You weren’t being an asshole, Deidara,” Itachi shrugged, finishing off his cigarette and leaning down to snub out the filter on the parking lot curb. “Want me to save you both a spot in line?”

“Yeah, we’ll catch up,” Hidan waved at Itachi, the raven nodding his assent and making his way towards the forming line. “You sure you’re OK?” he squeezed the blond tucked in his arm gently, and Deidara brought his free hand up to rest on top of Hidan’s that was clutching his shoulder.

“Yeah, friend. I’m good,” he took his cigarette from his lips and put it in between Hidan’s, the silver-haired male puffing at it and finishing it off for him. “C’mon, let’s walk, hmm.”

\--------------------------------------

“Akasuna. Take Sei with you and head to the freezers.”

Sasori blinked and looked at Zetsu, then at the blond, saying nothing. 

“Well, don’t just look at me, let’s do this,” Deidara said pointedly, turning to face Sasori as he walked backwards towards the refrigerated area, beckoning the other with a curl of his finger.

“I’m coming, brat,” the redhead said with sigh and a roll of his deep brown eyes. 

They matched pace with each other the entire way, the temperature getting colder and colder as they headed deeper into the food bank. Sasori moved the plastic sheeting leading into the freezer to the side and made an eloquent gesture. “After you.”

Deidara stuck out his tongue, but headed inside, letting out a loud noise as his bare arms were stung by the freezing stale air. _“I really fucking hate this crap!”_ he yelled from inside, immediately heading towards the dairy items stacked up high on frozen metal racks and rifling through them. 

Sasori smiled softly and ducked in the freezer, joining Deidara in his frantic pursuit of expired and rotted goods. In the blond’s eagerness to get through the task quickly, a normally ten-minute job had taken them half the amount of time.

The teal-eyed male plowed through the plastic sheeting carrying six boxes of 48-count eggs stacked one on top of the other, blocks of assorted cheeses balancing on top precariously.

“You know, I could have helped you...” Sasori murmured, coming out empty-handed. “You’re so stubborn.”

“It’s one of my more redeeming qualities, hmm. Can you at least lead me towards the garbage compactor?”

“Come on, follow the sound of my voice,” the older man said with an amused tone as he headed towards the recycling and disposal areas of the warehouse building. “Almost there... bit further now....not much more...” he said in a teasing voice, as if he were luring a small animal towards him with food.

“Oh my god, I’m gonna fucking kick you, Sasori!”

Sasori snickered loudly. “Just wait for a second, there’s some volunteers tossing stuff.”

“I don’t wanna wait--”

“Just be patient,” he hushed Deidara, eyeing the food bank volunteers as they loaded box after box of food that could not be donated into the garbage compactor. The redhead waited until it was just him and the younger man again. “Alright, bombs away, brat.”

Deidara abruptly released everything he was carrying and let it fall into the disposal space below their feet. “I wanna press the button.”

“You’re such a kid.”

The blond stuck out his tongue again and went over to the button on the wall that controlled the compactor and smacked it, watching transfixed as everything that had been loaded into the space by the volunteers and by him was smashed and smushed together. “Cool.”

He whirled around, opening his mouth to ask Sasori if he was ready to head back, but blinked as he saw the other man looking around as if he were searching for something. “My man, what are you doing, hm?”

“Looking for cameras.”

“Huh, why--” 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence. Sasori pressed him up against the wall and threaded his fingers through Deidara’s blond mane, kissing him possessively. Teal eyes fluttered closed and Deidara returned the liplock, gasping as his bottom lip was bitten down on, Sasori taking the opportunity to delve his tongue in his mouth and coax his into mingling with it. 

When their kiss deepened, Deidara felt that familiar weakening in his knees, and faltered in his stance, the redhead immediately locking his arms around his waist and holding him up, palms splaying and sneaking up under the blond’s fluorescent vest and shirt to touch bare skin.

Sasori moved so their hips were flush against each other’s and grinded against him blatantly, one hand sneaking down to grab a handful of the younger’s ass and squeeze. “Does this answer your question?” he breathed out, latching his mouth onto the junction where Deidara’s shoulders met his throat and biting down hard enough to leave teeth marks, but not openly break the skin.

“Fuck... _Sasori...”_

“You’re _mine._ I won’t allow you to have any doubt in your mind of that. You’ve _been_ mine. If you want me to show you that, then I will.”

Deidara opened his eyes slowly, teal orbs darkened with lust. He nodded his assent and let out a groan as Sasori dragged his tongue up his Adam’s apple slowly.

“My only regret is that I can’t show you tonight.”

“You have that thing going on, don’t you...?” the blond breathed out harshly as the older man pressed an apologetic kiss to the skin under his earlobe.

“Yeah. Gallery opening. Can you wait until Thursday...?”

“I’ve waited this long... I can manage a little longer.”

“Good. Because I’m going to fuck you so hard and so thoroughly that you won’t even be able to stand afterwards, much less go home this weekend,” Sasori murmured into his ear, biting down on the cartilage gently.

“Oh my god...” 

His words sent all the blood in Deidara’s body rushing towards his groin. 

“Not God. Just Sasori will do, brat.”

“Ffft!” Deidara pressed his palm flat in the other man’s face, shoving him away from his person. “You’re not that funny!”

“I can be quite hilarious, I’ll have you know.”

“Hilarious-looking... _Ackpth!”_ the blond yelped as Sasori swatted his ass.

“Come on. Let’s go back.”

\--------------------------------------

“I’m telling you, you should really listen to me more.”

Deidara blinked and paused in his stocking of canned goods on the shelves of the emergency food pantry. “Huh?”

Hidan gestured at him, holding a package of angel hair spaghetti noodles and shaking it for emphasis as he spoke. “I told you if you spoke up you’d get somewhere, and you did, right?” he turned and placed the food item on the shelf, reaching down for another package from the box by his feet. “So I’m saying, you should listen to me more.”

“Ah, that’s... well...” Deidara looked across the room where Sasori was unloading boxes off of a wooden palette.

He caught the redhead’s line of sight and Sasori issued him a quick wink before continuing what he was doing. 

The blond’s cheeks flushed brilliantly, and Deidara looked away, Sasori’s words echoing in his head.

_‘You’ve been mine.’_

His heart throbbed in his chest almost painfully. It had felt good, hearing that. To no longer have any doubts about his place with Sasori, and whether he’d want to continue on with seeing him after he no longer was by any means obligated to.

“I’m just saying, I’m very intuitive is all!” Hidan said with a smug grin.

“More like you’re very full of yourself.”

“I know something else I’m gonna get full of later tonight...” the silver-haired man said innocently.

“Hidan!” Deidara’s jaw dropped, making the taller man break into a peal of laughter.

“I’m surprised you even know what intuitive means...” Itachi said lowly, picking up the empty boxes once filled with donated foods and using a box cutter to disassemble them.

“Huh? Why wouldn’t I know what that means?”

Itachi said nothing, he simply smiled and tapped the side of his head with his index finger.

“Oh come on, I’m not _that_ dumb!” Hidan contemplated how much trouble he would be in if he lobbed a package of spaghetti at Itachi’s face. Grumbling, he pictured Kakuzu’s face and how the older man would yell at him for fucking up if he caused any more mischief and decided against it, instead going back to stocking the shelves with fervor. “Hey, how many more boxes of this shit left until we’re done?”

“There’s three or four left on the palette. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon, so not much longer though, hm.” 

“If I wanted to stock crap I would have gotten a job at Wal-Mart...”

“Oh yes, I can see it now... “Welcome to Wal-Mart, now get the fuck out!””

“Truth,” Hidan said with a smirk. He handed off the now-empty cardboard box of spaghetti noodles to Itachi and motioned for Sasori to bring him another of the few left on the wood palette. “I wouldn’t even last a week at a place like that.”

“The second someone asked you where to find something you’d immediately lay into them,” Itachi said coolly.

“Well, I’m assuming they aren’t blind, so they can go find their shit them-fucking-selves!”

“Don’t ever get a job in customer service, Hidan, hmm.” 

“Yeah, no.”

They all continued working busily until there was nothing left to stock in the emergency food pantry. 

“Oy, 5-0! We’re done!” Hidan waved to get Zetsu’s attention.

Zetsu rolled his amber-colored eyes and motioned to them. “Head back into the conference room. We’re starting paperwork once the ladies finish sweeping and mopping in the lobby area.”

\--------------------------------------

Tossing his vest in the black bin, Deidara looked up at the bright sun and winced, shielding his eyes with his hand. “When the hell is it going to start cooling down, hm?”

“It’s been _stupid_ hot,” Hidan said as the two stood off to the side with the rest of the group of probates that had already signed their paperwork. “Can’t fucking wait for October.”

Sasori moved through the crowd of people when he saw the both of them and came to stand beside the blond, curling his index finger with his discreetly.

“Hidan, what on earth are you going to do for a whole day when you’re all by your lonesome?” Deidara teased, eyes focusing on Sasori briefly and then glancing back over to the silver-haired man.

“Hope I don’t do anything to fuck it all up.”

“Haha! You’ll be all right.”

Itachi exited the building finally and took off his vest, walking over towards the black bin in the back of the police van and dropping it in, standing next to the three. 

After a few more people exited and dropped off their vests, the supervising police officers dismissed them, Kisame yelling, _“How many times do I have to tell you lot to leave calmly?!”_ when probates began scrambling towards the parking lot haphazardly.

“Oy, Hidan,” Deidara withdrew his car keys from his pocket and tossed them at the violet-eyed man, Hidan catching them easily. 

“Yeah, yeah, _I know._ You guys have to go make out in Red’s car now. Just don’t take too long.”

“I’ll see you all later. Text me,” Itachi said with a wave as he walked towards his car, but not before catching Kisame’s eye and extending his thumb and pinky finger and holding them up to the side of his face, mouthing, _‘Call me.’_

Kisame looked to the side to see if his coworkers were paying attention, issuing the raven a purse of his lips in mimicry of a kiss and a wink that made a pink flush settle high on Itachi’s cheekbones.

“Do you ever think we’ll be that close, hm?” Deidara said as he walked with Sasori towards his Jaguar.

“Why wouldn’t we be? You know you can tell me anything that’s on your mind--at least, I hope you know that.”

“Well, yeah...”

“Do you have anything you want to tell me right now?” Sasori inquired as he unlocked the car doors, releasing his grip on Deidara’s index finger, the both of them getting in the XK in their respective seats.

“I’m just happy I get to be with you.”

“Yeah. Me too,” Sasori turned to face him and cupped Deidara’s jaw in his palm, leaning in and kissing him firmly.

The blond smiled into the liplock and responded, curling a hand in the fabric of Sasori’s shirt and sighing softly. He let out a soft noise when the redhead bit down gently on his bottom lip and sucked on it, the action eliciting a shudder from Deidara.

“You’re such a dumb brat, but I’ve never wanted anybody like how I want you...” Sasori murmured against the younger’s lips, capturing them again in a more insistent kiss, hand shifting to tangle in soft blond locks. 

Deidara silently cursed the middle console separating their bodies. Shutting his eyes briefly and fluttering them back open, the slightly-taller man let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding deep in his lungs. Fisting Sasori’s shirt tightly, he used the leverage to bring him in as close as he possibly could, and released his hold on soft cotton fabric to trail his fingertips down the redhead’s clothed chest and belly, lingering teasingly as he touched the hem of Sasori’s jeans and then moving his hand lower to lightly ghost over his groin. 

“You’re going to get it Thursday,” Sasori said with a smirk, his normally sleepy-looking and disinterested brown eyes more alert and open.

“I fucking hope so, hmm,” Deidara’s lips curled into a satisfied smile as he leaned his forehead against the older man’s and began openly palming Sasori through his pants, enjoying the way his breathing hitched at his touch.

“You’re such a little tease,” Sasori breathed into his ear, dragging his tongue along the shell and enjoying the soft groan he received in response. “How badly have you been wanting this?”

“Are you--” Deidara began peppering kisses all over the column of Sasori’s throat, “--fucking _kidding_ me? My man, do you know how many times a week I get off to you? You’re an asshole but you’re so sexy, I can’t help it. I wanted to fuck you that night we got drunk together, but you said you wanted me desperate, well, you’ve gotten me to that point.”

A pleased expression settled itself on Sasori’s features. The hand that had been laced in saffron hair tightened, and Sasori gave it a good yank, exposing Deidara’s throat and drawing out a sharp gasp from him. He leaned in and latched his mouth on the pale skin, sucking hard near the younger’s Adam’s apple and not stopping until his flesh was mottled an angry red color by visible blood vessels.

“You... big jerk... now I’m going to have to jerk off again when I get home...” Deidara groaned out, his free hand threading through Sasori’s choppy red locks. 

“I’m sure you can feel that I’m in the same predicament...”

He could feel it, all right. Sasori was rock-hard under his grasp, jeans visibly tenting as his arousal strained against the denim.

“We should stop while we’re ahead. Otherwise I really will fuck you right here.”

“What if I want you to, hm?”

Sasori bit down on his lip at Deidara’s words. “You’re such a brat. I don’t want to make anyone jealous is all.”

“Jealous of what?”

“Of me. And people will be. You’re gorgeous, and physically flawless in my eyes...”

“Even with this horrible scar on my arm?”

“Especially with the scar on your arm. It makes you who you are, and who you are is what I like about you the most.”

Deidara let out a noise as a bubbling of emotion welled up in his chest, causing a dull ache. “I’m really, really happy I was able to change your mind. You would have drove me insane if I had to just keep on staring at you and wondering what could have been, hmm.”

“You don’t have to wonder anymore. Now, I’m going to drive you a different kind of insane when I get you in bed,” Sasori leaned in and captured Deidara’s lips in a possessive kiss that sent what felt like liquid fire coursing through the blond’s veins. And just when Deidara thought his heart would burst, Sasori pulled back and stared straight into his teal eyes with his own sepia. 

He opened his mouth to say something but faltered, shaking his head.

“What is it?”

“I can’t say just yet. But I will eventually, I’m sure of it.”

Deidara blinked, a quizzical expression settling on his face. “Huh?”

Sasori silenced him with another kiss. “I’ll call you tonight. We shouldn’t keep Hidan waiting on you.”

“Fuck Hidan.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“You know what I meant!” 

The redhead smiled openly. “I’m teasing you. Give me another kiss for the road?”

Deidara leaned in, closing the distance between them and kissing Sasori deeply, his eyes slipping shut. Sasori responded in kind, his own eyes closing as he enjoyed the feeling of lips pressing against his own. He pulled back when he felt his resolve begin to slip again, and brought up a hand to smooth Deidara’s long bangs out of his eye and behind his ear. “Beautiful...” he murmured lowly, marvelling at the man he was able to call his own. “I’ll see you Thursday morning. Come over right after you’re done dropping off the nuisance.”

The younger man let out a soft laugh. “I promise. Hey, Sasori?”

“Hm?”

“I’m really happy you’re my boyfriend.”

A light flush settled on Sasori’s cheeks. “I’ll see you in two days.”

Deidara grinned widely and pressed a kiss to Sasori’s cheek, grasping the door handle and pulling, getting out of the car in a fluid motion. He shut the door and gave a wave to the redhead, walking over to his car and pausing, blinking as he stared at Hidan through the windshield.

The silver-haired man was singing along loudly to a song playing from the stereo and banging his head.

Rolling his eyes, Deidara opened the driver's side door and winced as System of a Down assaulted his unprepared eardrums. “Oy, turn that down!”

Hidan kept on singing along to _‘B.Y.O.B.’_ with a grin, but he leaned over and turned down the volume a little bit. “Nice hickey, Babs.”

“Oh hush! You have no room to talk, domestic violence victim, hm!”

“Maybe if you’re lucky Red will smack you around and little and you can see how awesome it is.”

“I’m not into S&M!”

“You’re missing out!”

Deidara scoffed and got in the driver’s side seat and shut the door, buckling in. He twisted the keys that had already been stuck in the ignition by Hidan, and shift his car into drive, pulling out of the parking spot carefully to avoid other vehicles.

Hidan cheerfully resumed singing along to the CD. “Come on, you know you wanna sing with me...” he teased, egging the other on.

Deidara rolled his eyes, but matched pitch with Hidan and began singing along to the lyrics as well.

By the time they had gotten to the freeway both were openly crooning along at full volume. Hidan shared a glance with Deidara and grinned, holding out his fist. 

Deidara smiled and bumped it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be nothing but gratuitous pornography in the next one, because that's how I roll.  
> Also, if you're still reading this crap you have all of my love.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Deidara you're gonna get it all night long and the morning after too. And the next night. And the next morning... just saying...

\-----------------------

_Fine Young Criminals_

\------------------------

_Chapter Ten_

“So you’ve really never touched a woman in your life?”

“Why would I want to? I really have no interest or patience for them,” Sasori peeled his eyes away from the TV on the stand in front of his bed to glance down at the blond curled up next to him, Deidara’s head resting on his chest.

“You’re a gold star homo, my man.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Deidara said nothing, he simply looked up at Sasori and grinned.

“Cheeky.”

Sasori rolled his eyes and looked back at the TV screen, _Citizen Kane_ playing in black and white.

“You really like old movies, don’t you?”

“This is quality cinema right here.”

“Old fart.”

“Young punk.”

They both leaned in and shared a kiss anyways.

The movie on the screen panned out to a shot of workers burning Kane’s less valuable possessions. Deidara squinted when an image of a sled with the word ‘Rosebud’ painted on it appeared in the burning pile.

“What the fuck, you mean Rosebud is just a crappy sled!?” he yelled indignantly. 

Sasori looked at him amusedly. “That’s why I like this film. The twist is unexpected, don’t you think?”

“OK, but I got all invested in this only to be horribly let down, hm.”

“I promise we can watch a different one that won’t throw you for a loop next time,” Sasori gestured for Deidara to hand him the empty plate and utensils the blond had set on the nearby nightstand after finishing eating the meal the older man had prepared for them both. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to wash these,” he said, stacking the two plates and silverware together and getting up from his spot on the bed.

“Don’t take too long,” Deidara murmured, hugging a pillow and watching the credits roll. “...Stupid Rosebud.”

He didn’t have to wait long for Sasori’s return. The redhead came walking back in and immediately resumed his prior place on the bed. Reaching over, he took the pillow away from Deidara and tossed it to land wherever it may, taking the opportunity to push the blond down onto the mattress and hover over him, legs on either side of the younger man’s body as he straddled his slim waist. 

“Sasori...” Deidara breathed out, feeling his chest tighten almost painfully in anticipation. 

“Shh. Let me give you what you’ve been wanting,” Sasori hushed him with a press of his index finger to soft, plush lips. His eyes darkened further as Deidara darted out his tongue to lick at the pad of his finger teasingly.

“You’re all talk. I bet you can’t even make me scream your name,” the younger said, doing nothing to disguise the challenge in his tone.

“Is that so?” the redhead smirked, leaning down and capturing Deidara’s lips in a rough kiss.

Teal eyes fluttered shut as Deidara stifled the moan that wanted to escape his throat. 

Sasori began planting open mouthed-kisses on Deidara’s neck and collarbone, creating suction as he pulled back, his hands trailing down to grasp the hem of the teal-eyed man’s shirt and lift it, pausing in his ministrations to divest the blond of the article. He planted a trail of kisses and teasing nips down Deidara’s shoulders, grasping his wrist gingerly and bringing his arm up so he could continue kissing a line down to his fingertips. Boring his deep brown eyes into the younger’s, he softly bit and teasingly dragged his tongue along Deidara’s slim fingers, outright sucking on his index finger in mimicry of a more lewd act. 

“Fuck,” Deidara rasped out, watching entranced as Sasori made love to him with his mouth. He bit down on his lip, letting out a soft noise as the older man gave the same treatment to his other shoulder, once again trailing kisses down his arm, pausing over the scar on his bicep and dragging his tongue along the healed tissue. 

The saffron-haired man shuddered deeply as electric pulses coursed throughout his body. “You’re... actually pretty good at this, aren’t you...?”

“I’d like to think I'm decent enough, yes,” Sasori replied, voice husky and low with lust. He raked his fingertips down the inside of the other’s forearm, marvelling at how soft the skin was, and brought Deidara’s knuckles up to his lips, kissing them and biting down gently on the protruding bone. Releasing his grasp, he shifted his body slightly lower down the slightly-taller man’s form and latched his mouth onto a prominent collarbone, sucking and grazing his teeth across lightly tanned flesh and continuing his descent when he left a mark he was satisfied with.

He traced the dark lines of ink tattooed over Deidara’s heart with his tongue teasingly, moving down lower and capturing a pert nipple in his mouth, sucking on it and then pulling back to blow air on it, smirking as the sensitive flesh hardened. He repeated the same to the other, and this time was rewarded with a soft moan. 

Deidara’s eyes were darkened to a deep shade of aegean that did nothing to hide his arousal. He hastily grabbed onto Sasori’s t-shirt and yanked at it insistently. “Off,” he demanded impatiently. He bit down on his lower lip as the older man acquiesced his demand and sat up straight to remove his clothing. Deidara let out a noise and immediately reached out and pulled down the corner of Sasori’s lounge pants when he saw a hint of red ink peeking out. “You have a tattoo!” 

“Didn’t I tell you I have one?” Sasori murmured as Deidara exposed the scorpion on his right hip bone.

“No!” the blond said indignantly, looking openly miffed at being denied such privy information.

“Huh. Well, now you know. You want to see it better?”

“Does that mean you’re gonna take your pants off?” Deidara leered openly with a grin.

Sasori said nothing; he looked him straight in the eye and hooked his index fingers in the hem of his loose-fitting cotton pants, slowly moving them down and further exposing himself, breath hitching as the fabric caught on his erection, making his cock bob as he lowered them to his thighs, not breaking the established eye contact.

Deidara audibly sucked in a breath, greedily raking in Sasori’s entire form. He brought his hand to his clavicle and traced the bone with his index and middle finger, biting down on his bottom lip.

The redhead shifted his weight as he completely divested himself of his clothing, wadding it up in a loose ball and tossing it in a basketball fashion to land inelegantly on the carpeted floor.

“Sasori.”

“Yes?”

“You’re so fucking hot.”

“You think so?”

Deidara could only nod dumbly.

Sasori let out a soft laugh and hovered back over the younger man, kissing down his torso and occasionally nipping at taut flesh and lightly defined abs. He let out a harsh exhalation when he was eye-level with the blond’s groin, and he leaned in, teeth catching the zipper and dragging it down as his fingers nimbly unbuttoned Deidara’s jeans. “Lift your hips.”

Deidara did as he was told, and sucked in a breath of air as denim and his boxer-briefs were pushed down past his thighs and then removed completely. He let out a noise when Sasori lifted his leg and latched his mouth onto the creamy skin of his inner thigh. “Fuck...” he groaned out, arching his back slightly as his toes curled.

“We’ll get to that soon. For now, just relax and let me make you feel good.”

“You really like to take your time, don’t you?”

“I made you wait for quite a while. I don’t want to rush this,” Sasori licked teasingly at the mark he’d created, and kissed further up along the other artist’s thigh, letting out a warm, teasing breath to ghost over the golden-haired male’s hard cock. “I was right, you know.”

“Hm?”

“You really are flawless.”

Deidara opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by Sasori’s warm mouth engulfing him mid-length. He let out a choked gasp and gripped the comforter until his knuckles turned white, eyes closing and jaw going slack. 

Sasori closed both eyes and continued his ministrations, curling his lips over his teeth with practiced skill and bobbing his head up and down at a languid pace. When Deidara let out a groan and involuntarily thrust upwards, Sasori smirked around the length in his mouth and placed his palms flat on the teal-eyed man’s hips, effectively stilling all motion and drawing out a whine from the blond.

He quickened the rhythm in which he sucked Deidara’s cock briefly, only to resume the same slow, torturous pace in which he’d began when the soft moans auditing the room became louder, Deidara making a frustrated noise in response. 

Pausing briefly, Sasori’s lips lilted into a smile and he looked straight into the other’s eyes, enjoying the deep flush spreading from Deidara’s cheeks down to his throat and collarbone. “I told you I was going to drive you insane. Did you think I was lying?” he didn’t wait for a response as he took the other deep into his mouth again and resumed the fervent pace, the intense stimulation making Deidara cry out loudly.

“Sasori... Sasori... _Sasoriii....”_ Deidara began chanting the redhead’s name like a mantra, burying his face into the pillow and gasping. 

Relaxing his throat muscles, Sasori took the blond’s cock deep, swallowing around him to cause a sudden pressure, the tightness making Deidara thrash despite the firm hold the older man had on his hips. “Fuck...!” 

Closing his eyes tightly in concentration, Sasori deep-throated the younger’s arousal to the hilt, shifting one arm and bringing it down to palm and fondle his sac in tandem. 

“A-Are you.. nnh.... trying to make me cum... already?”

Sasori opened his eyes and gave him an expression that clearly read his intentions. Biting down on his bottom lip, Deidara threw his head back again suddenly, long locks flipping with the motion when the crimson-haired artist swallowed around him again. 

“If you keep on doing that... haah... _fuck...._ fuck....” 

He swallowed around him once more, and bobbed his head furiously, increasing the suction to an almost unbearable tightness. 

Curling his toes and gripping tightly at the wrinkled sheets, Deidara clenched his teeth visibly and loudly moaned his orgasm, spilling hotly into Sasori’s waiting mouth.

Sasori’s Adam’s apple visibly contracted as he swallowed down the blond’s load, that which he didn’t dribbling from the corner of his mouth. Pulling back and swiping his thumb at the cum on his lips, he brought the digit to Deidara’s mouth and watched with a satisfied look as the sculptor obediently darted out his tongue and swiped at the pad of his finger.

“Don’t worry. I’m nowhere near done with you yet.”

Deidara let out a noise as his body was suddenly turned over in fluid motion, Sasori grasping him around his waist and hoisting him to his knees, palm planting square in the middle of the younger’s spine and pushing him down so his torso was flush against the sheets. Glancing over his shoulder, Deidara bit down on his bottom lip as the redhead spread open the globes of his cheeks with his palms and leaned down, tongue darting out to lick in long swipes at his most intimate area.

“Fuhh.... fuck... oh my god, that’s...” Deidara gasped out loudly as the sensation sent pleasurable pulses straight to his cock, his softening member slowly coming back to life. Letting out a groan as Sasori used the tip of his tongue to circle around the rosy pucker, he outright moaned when he felt the slippery, slick organ invade his orifice.

Sasori swirled his tongue in circular motions, drawing out a harsh, ragged exhalation from Deidara and a groan, the saffron-haired man’s shoulders bowing as his body responded to the stimuli. The older man reached around Deidara’s body to curl his fingers around his awakening cock and pump firmly, the action making the younger bury his face into the pillow to muffle his moans. 

Pulling back with another languid swipe of tongue to Deidara’s hole, Sasori grasped his cock and teasingly circled the entrance with the head, his arousal sliding between the seam of his cheeks as he leaned over the other man to rifle through the nightstand on Deidara’s side of the bed. Sasori rummaged around openly, and let out an ‘a-ha’ noise when he found what he had been searching for--a small bottle of personal lubricant. Unscrewing the cap, he used his teeth to rip off the safety seal and re-threaded it closed, snapping open the top with a press of his finger and liberally pouring a healthy amount of the water-based lube onto three of his fingers, gently rubbing the pad of his index finger along the puckered flesh exposed to his gaze. “Relax, babe.”

Deidara looked over his shoulder and went slack-jawed when Sasori gingerly inserted the first finger to the knuckle, his inner walls tightening around the invading digit wetly. 

Sasori moved his finger in wide circles inside the slim male’s canal slowly, biting down on his bottom lip as he relished the warm heat and tightness encircling his index finger and knuckle. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

The blond could only nod in response, another moan escaping his throat as Sasori pressed the pad of his middle finger to his asshole, pushing in past his fingernail and pausing, then inserting it fully until it too was seated to the knuckle. Deidara arched his spine as Sasori thrust both digits carefully inside of his person, fingers scissoring to further stretch him to accommodate his girth. 

Sasori angled his fingers ever so slightly, and was rewarded with a choked gasp when he brushed up against the bundle of nerves deep inside the younger man that made Deidara’s vision blurr white. Feeling him loosen further at the pleasurable sensation, he took that opportunity to carefully slide in a third finger, slowly angling them towards the same spot and drawing out low moans and throaty whines.

Grasping onto the bottle of lube laying on the comforter, Sasori squeezed a decent amount into the palm of his hand and slicked up his cock thoroughly, shifting his body so he was pressed up flush against the other’s ass. He positioned the head of his dick against Deidara’s entrance, teasingly circling the tip around his hole, glistening and wet from the clear lubricant. “You ready?”

“Fucking put it in me, hmm!”

“So impatient...” 

Deidara’s brows furrowed, and the sculptor tossed his head back, uttering a high-pitched moan as Sasori pushed his cock inside past the initial ring of muscles, the sensation of being full of his thickness sending a throb to the blond’s aching arousal. His lower spine bowed as he was filled to the hilt, and he groaned loudly when the crimson-haired artist withdrew until only the tip of his length was seated inside of him, and pushed back in, experiencing little resistance due to the slick slide of lube and bodily fluids. 

Establishing a concise rhythm, Sasori reached down and grabbed a handful of Deidara’s long locks, tugging at the silken strands firmly and smiling as he was rewarded with a moan of his name. “Not quite a scream yet.. But it’s a start...” he rasped out, eyes closing as Deidara tightened around him. “Fuck... you have no idea how amazing you feel...”

Deidara openly keened as his hair was pulled, and moved his ass back to meet the slow pistoning of Sasori’s hips. “You’re... really big...”

“Am I hurting you at all?”

The slightly-taller man shook his head no slowly, strands of his hair pooling onto his shoulders and in the concave of his collarbone and throat. 

“Let me know if you need me to stop for any reason.”

Sasori released his grip on the younger man’s mane and braced his palms on Deidara’s hips, fingertips causing indentations as he gripped tightly and increased the pace of his thrusting, the act eliciting a drawn out cry from his partner. He’d alternate between quick gyrations, only to slow back down to the torturous undulations, Deidara making an irritated noise. 

“My man, _fuck me!”_ he demanded, thrusting his posterior back to meet each movement, the action making Sasori’s length hit untold depths inside of his body. Deidara shuddered as the redhead began bucking his hips wildly, the frantic rhythm making the blond’s ass bounce.

“I’m going to have to.... start calling you... bubble butt brat...” Sasori groaned out, his brown eyes staring transfixed as his cock sunk in and out of Deidara’s pliant body.

“My ass isn’t that fat...”

“Is too.”

Sasori grabbed Deidara by the waist, maneuvering their bodies so Deidara’s back was flush against his chest and brought him into his lap, the action making the older male’s cock slide out from his hole. Grasping his member by the base, Sasori easily slid it back inside the snug fit of the younger’s walls and began thrusting his hips upwards wildly, Deidara arching his back in response and groaning as he was fucked hard and fast.

The older artist began angling his cock, searching for the one spot that he knew would bring the other into a frenzy. He knew he had found it when Deidara tossed his hair back and screamed his name. 

A triumphant grin crossed Sasori’s features. “I win...” he breathed out harshly, breath ragged as the tight heat surrounding his length milked him closer and closer to the edge. His fingertips were gripping the lithe man’s hips hard enough to bruise, and when he shifted his left hand up to once more tug at the other’s strands, he took note of the angry red and purpling marks in the shape of the pads of his fingers on otherwise immaculate skin.

Deidara rest his palm on Sasori’s forearm, his free hand curling around his cock and stroking it in time with the pace of Sasori’s upward thrusts, eyes rolling back into his head and his jaw going slack as he unabashedly shouted the brown-eyed man’s name and whispered words of encouragement, further spurning the older artist on. 

“Hnnh... hah... _fuhhhck...._ I feel like... I can cum again already...”

“You’re going to cum... at least two more times by the time I’m finished with you, babe....”

The teal-eyed man looked over his shoulder and gave Sasori an incredulous look. 

“I’m telling you. Two more times...” Sasori said confidently, moving Deidara’s body so that the younger was once more pushed flush against the mattress, the redhead taking advantage of the position and delivering an open-palmed smack to to the blond’s right ass cheek, letting out a pleasured noise as it bounced back.

Deidara moaned lowly in his throat, his vision blurring white as he clenched the fabric of the sheets between his fingers, knuckles white as he began breathing heavily in an uneven and ragged pace as Sasori literally jackhammered his hips, forcing his cock in and out, in and out at what felt like an inhuman speed, though Deidara knew it only appeared that way because he’d _never been fucked like this before._ He felt immensely grateful for the thirteen-year age gap between them, because clearly Sasori had picked up plenty of experience along the way in his 35 years of existence. 

The 22-year-old let out a throaty scream as his prostate was assaulted relentlessly, and let out a choked rasp as Sasori fisted his leaking cock and jerked him off with a firm, tight grip. 

“Cum for me, baby. Let me hear you scream my name again.” 

Deidara’s shoulders visibly slumped as he bowed his head, his loose locks cascading along his back and shoulders in cornsilk torrents. He openly began thrusting needily into Sasori’s grasp. “...’sori.... _Sasori...._ fuck.... fuck... haah.... _hnnnhh...._ ‘m gonna... _‘m gonna...”_

He was unable to complete his sentence, much less form rational, cognitive thought when finally, a second orgasm wracked throughout his trembling form. He screamed Sasori’s name loudly as he reached completion, spilling into the redhead’s hand and onto the wrinkled black sheets below them. He let out a noise when Sasori began moving his hips in a way that his cock rubbed up against his abused prostate, delivering a constant stream of pleasurable electric currents throughout his spent form. 

Deidara bit down on his bottom lip to stifle a noise as he felt that familiar knot in his lower stomach that always signaled his impending release, and he tossed his head back, arching his spine in such a way that his vertebrae audibly cracked as he once more spilled into Sasori’s hand. 

His vision blurred and his head felt light as his eyes widened impossibly. 

Sasori hadn’t lied. 

He’d never had a multiple orgasm in his life, he didn’t even know that his body was capable of such a feat.

As he slowly came down from the planes of nirvana, Deidara let out a sigh as his insides were filled with thick ropes of hot cum as Sasori released his load deep inside his ass with an audible shout. As soon as the other artist eased his softening cock out of his hole, the golden-haired male gingerly turned his body over, letting out a noise as his back pressed against the mattress, the memory foam conforming to his every dip and curve and cradling his aching, spent form. 

Sasori grabbed the box of Kleenex on the nightstand on his side of the bed and wiped the thickening viscous fluid from his palm, in between his fingers, and his wrist thoroughly, disposing of the soiled tissues in the nearby waste basket and returned the box back to its prior location. He watched the way Deidara’s chest heaved as the other sucked in air into his lungs desperately. Leaning over, he planted a kiss on his brow, tanned skin wet with perspiration. 

Deidara allowed his eyes to flutter closed, and let out a noise when he felt dry lips pressing to his temple. 

“I’ll be right back, babe...” Sasori murmured lowly, getting to his feet slowly and padding across the carpeted floor naked as he walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. 

The younger artist tiredly picked up his phone and swiped his finger across the screen, pulling up the camera function and taking a selfie of his sex-flushed profile and promptly texting it to Itachi and Hidan. 

_‘This is the face of someone who just got off three times in one go.’_

The response from Hidan was instantaneous. 

_‘DAMN BABS YOU DIDN’T JUST GET FUCKED, YOU GOT FUCCKKKKED LOLOL’_

A minute or two later, Deidara’s phone lit up with receipt of a picture message from Itachi. In the photo the raven had sent, his cheeks were flushed just as red as his own, and Kisame was laying his head on his chest, the officer’s eyes closed as Itachi threaded his slim fingers through dark spiked strands.

 _‘Ditto,’_ was the accompanying text reply. _‘Mazel on getting laid, Deidara.’_

The teal-eyed male grinned and set his phone back down on the nightstand, the screen darkening on its own. Deidara closed his eyes again and sighed contentedly. His eyes fluttered open when heard the familiar creak in the floorboards as Sasori walked back in the bedroom, holding a highball glass filled with infused water and ice cubes. The redhead got back on the bed and used his free hand to sneak under the blond’s spine and ease him into a sitting-up position. The glass was pressed to the younger’s lips and tilted as Deidara took hearty swallows of the cucumber-flavored water. 

“Better...?” Sasori asked with a tilt of his head after the sculptor swallowed about half the liquid down. 

“Yeah...” Deidara nodded slowly. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Really, really good,” the teal-eyed male admitted openly with a flush on his cheeks. “That was--”

“--fucking amazing,” the redhead finished. 

“Yeah... definitely...” the saffron-haired artist smiled, flopping back down on the mattress unceremoniously. Sasori took that opportunity to lay down next to him and bring the comforter and sheets up over their bodies, and pressed a deep kiss to Deidara’s lips that did nothing to disguise the affection and desire he possessed for the other man.

“Let’s go to bed. We can shower together and change the sheets in the morning after we’ve eaten.”

\--------------------------------------

“Haah... fuck... fuck... _Sasori...!”_

The redhead got up from his knees on the hardwood floor of the kitchen, but not before biting down on Deidara’s left ass cheek hard enough to leave teeth marks.

The blond looked over his shoulder, bent over the granite countertop, the sleep pants he’d stolen from Sasori around his thighs. Deidara breathed in and out harshly, lungs heaving openly with each inhalation and exhalation. 

“You really do have a fantastic ass,” the 35-year-old said matter-of-factly, bringing the hand slick with Deidara’s release to his lips and licking off the result of the impromptu rimjob he’d given the younger as he’d been cooking them breakfast. “Oh, by the way. Sausages are burning,” he finished with a grin as he reached into the pocket of his lounge pants and pulled out his pack of clove cigarettes, fishing out one between his teeth and sparking it to life with a flick of his lighter and walking away to sit at the table and resume reading his newspaper.

Deidara helplessly wobbled and looked over at the pan of sizzling sausage links with a whimper.

He really wouldn’t be able to walk at all this weekend once Sasori was finished with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am actually super satisfied with how this chapter turned out because wowza hotta-whaaaat my dudes?? -dusts off shoulders like a G-


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: HOME STRETCH HOME STRETCH ONLY ~~FOUR~~ FIVE MORE CHAPTERS IN THIS BITCH YEET.  
>  Ohwait.  
> Now I'm sad.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Eleven_

Deidara yawned audibly and looked out the large window on the second floor of the South region community supervision building, staring tiredly at all the bodies entering and exiting through the main doors. It was Wednesday morning, and he was here to visit with his supervisory officer, Konan Bya. His appointment time was at 10 o’clock sharp.

If there was one thing he liked especially about CSO Bya, it was that she valued punctuality. Deidara had never had an appointment run over the scheduled time, nor did it ever start later than anticipated. It meant he was able to spend less time in the waiting lobby, and he dreaded the place. Too often than not there would always be some scuzzy asshole who decided to not wear their Speed Stick or even shower for that matter, and the enclosed space would quickly become engulfed by any unpleasant smells and take forever to disperse.

So far, everyone who came into the lobby at that point had put on their deodorant, much to Deidara’s relief. 

Glancing down at the table in front of him, Deidara shifted his weight to his right foot, his left leg extending back further as he bent over at the waist and leaned his forearms onto the faux wood, pencil scribbling down the necessary information required of him on his probationer’s monthly report form.

“Name... Sei, Deidara.... Age... 22.... Address.... Gate code... No, don’t live with anyone else... Occupation... sometimes-starving artist...” he scribbled down on the paper. “How much money do you make.... None of your fucking business...” Deidara didn’t write that down on the sheet, though. He listed out his average monthly median income in the provided box and moved on further down. “What days do you work... whenever the fuck I feel like.. Name of supervisor, that would be me, myself and I.... yes, I own a car...” He stilled in his muttering and froze, letting out an appalled noise when he felt someone press their groin directly against his ass, which was admittedly jutting out for anyone to gaze at openly. 

“Hey, baby. How about you and me blow this joint and then go blow each other?” a voice breathed into his ear.

“How about you fuck off and kill yourself--” Deidara hissed dangerously, whirling around and blinking his teal eyes as he held up a clenched fist, poised and ready to lash out but pausing as he took in Hidan’s form.

“Hey, best friend,” the silver-haired male cackled loudly, crossing his arms over his black muscle tank-clad chest. “You’re awfully lively today for someone who spent the weekend getting his brains fucked out.”

He let out a sigh of relief, but immediately scowled at Hidan’s words to him. “Shh!” the blond hushed him, glancing nervously over at the other probates sitting in chairs in the lobby.

“What? You think any of these fartknockers give a shit about what we talk about?”

Deidara delivered a light open-palmed smack to the back of Hidan’s head, cheeks flaming red. 

“Oy!! Hey now, is that any way to treat your best motherfucker?” the violet-eyed man said with a smirk, smoothing his hair back down and looping his finger in the chain of his rosary and swinging it around in a circular motion, the beads wrapping around his index finger.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“New CSO. Got a 10:30 with Bya. You?”

“Same. I’m the appointment right before you.”

“Oh, sweet! We should go chill afterwards when we’re both done. I don’t gotta work today.”

“That depends on whether you’re going to continue to sexually harass me,” Deidara huffed.

“Oh baby, I’ll sexy harass you all day, every day.”

Rolling his eyes, Deidara directed his attentions back to his paper and finished scribbling in the needed information. He glanced down as Hidan stood next to him and also leaned down to start filling in his monthly report form. “Hey, are those new?” he nodded at the black calf-length, buttery leather Doc Martens Hidan was sporting in addition to black skinny jeans with holes ripped in the knees and a studded belt.

“I bought them all by myself,” Hidan declared proudly. 

“I want a pair. Do they come in red?”

“There was a pair of... what’s the color...” he snapped his fingers while trying to jog his memory, “...yeah, oxblood ones that I saw. Wanna go to the mall after this and see if they’re still there?”

“Yeah, I’m down.”

The two finished their respective sheets and approached the glass window separating the receptionist from the rest of the degenerates littered amongst the second floor lobby and turned in their papers. 

“I have a 10 o’clock with CSO Bya,” Deidara said to the young woman, watching as she directed her attentions to her computer screen and took the papers from the slot in the window. 

“I got a 10:30 with Bya as well,” Hidan supplied, surveying the dark-haired receptionist as she typed in required information into the system and then inserted the corners of the report forms into the automated time stamp machine. 

“Mr. San, it says here in the system that you have a UA today as well,” the woman said, handing the forms back to both men through the window slot.

“Fucking peachy...” Hidan rolled his eyes, feeling around in his back pocket for his wallet and taking it out, opening it and letting out a sigh of relief when he saw his license. In order to take his UA he had to have a form of identification with his photograph, and the last time he had taken one, Kakuzu had had to ID him to the UA administrator given that he’d completely forgotten his wallet altogether. “Go ahead and put me in the system, babe,” he said, flashing the receptionist his driver’s license with a wink. 

“Hey, I didn’t know you had one of those.”

“Yes, I can drive, Barbie. I’m just a little fucking disadvantaged in the car department is all.”

“Give me two-thousand cash in payments and I’ll sell you the Celica,” Deidara said as the two sat next to each other in the uncomfortable hard plastic lobby chairs away from other individuals so they could converse openly without risking offending any tender sensibilities.

“What’ll you drive?”

“I found my dream car for sale at a used car dealership and I already made a partial down payment. A black ‘91 Acura NSX. It’ll suck having a car note to pay every month again, but I don’t even care honestly.”

“Nice, friend. Damn shame you’re in homos with Red, think of all the pussy you could have picked up with a ride like that.”

“You know what, though? I’m good. I’m really happy.”

“Yeah?”

Deidara nodded, his grin widening. “What about you, useless paperclip?”

“I’d say I’m pretty pleased with myself and my situation, too.”

“You gonna visit him real quick?”

“I was thinking about poking my head in...” Hidan smirked openly.

“I’m not gonna wait on you if you’re going to try to have some kind of weird kinky impromptu booty call.”

“Kakuzu would never. If it interferes or fucks with his ability to make his paper, he won’t do it, the shitty heathen. I really do think that money...” Hidan held his hand up above his head, “...and then there’s me!” he brought it down to about chin-level.

“Does it bother you?”

“Nah. Because Jashin...” Hidan grinned and repeated the motion with his hand, “And then there’s Kakuzu!”

“Where do Itachi and I fit in?”

“You’re like... right about here...” the silver-haired man moved his hand a miniscule bit downwards to about around where his Adam’s apple was with a smirk.

“I better be important to you, hmm.”

Hidan leaned over and gave the blond a noogie, laughing at the younger’s indignant noise.

Though he was annoyed, Deidara couldn’t help the small smile that creeped onto his lips.

The religious devout really was something else. In the two months they had been friends, Deidara had learned all sorts of things about him that only made the artist appreciate their bond further. The first day they had met, Deidara had believed that he and Hidan would not get along so well. He was disproven on their drive home. The taller man had ‘let his hair down’ and when he wasn’t in public and didn’t have to present a tough front, he really was quite easy to be around. No doubt, he obviously had a few screws loose in his psyche, but he was a good friend, and Deidara knew that if he’d ever had need of him, Hidan would drop what he was doing in that instant and move mountains to be there. Itachi was right--the man was incredibly loyal.

Deidara wasn’t sure if it was because of Hidan’s circumstances growing up, but he’d quickly found out that the violet-eyed man didn’t let just anyone into his universe. He had deep-seated abandonment issues, and was always afraid that the individuals in his life were going to disappear. And that was why Hidan was so intense in his devotion to his people. He never wanted to give anyone a reason to leave him.

Perhaps it was Hidan’s fear of loss, why he was so tactile with his friends. It was as if words weren’t enough to the zealot; Hidan had to _show_ others how much they meant to him, whether through a hug, a brief touch of hair, or wrapping his arm around a shoulder. Sometimes he wasn’t always cognizant of social niceties or when to stop pushing the envelope past the point of discomfort, but that was part of who he was. 

Hidan was loud, manic, free. He really just did not care what strangers thought of him and was content to simply be. 

Deidara wouldn’t admit it without the help of a stiff drink or a fat blunt, but he was envious of Hidan sometimes, of how carefree and unburdened he was. Sometimes he too just wanted to tell the whole world to choke on his cock, aftermath of doing such be damned.

Hidan had been positive in his life, of that Deidara was certain. Itachi, as well, despite the raven’s reserved nature. The saffron-haired man would have been content to simply go on with life without any connections had he never had to do the work program. 

Patting Hidan’s hand comfortingly, Deidara felt a sense of gratefulness. In Hidan and Itachi he had re-discovered a lost part of him that he didn’t even realize had been gone: the ability to be a friend to someone, to actually give a damn about another individual and want good things for them. 

There really was life beyond art, and the two had showed him that. 

“Sei.”

The deep alto broke his train of thought, and he saw his cornflower blue-haired CSO standing right outside the archway of the locked door leading to the individual offices of the CSOs. Konan was wearing a long-sleeved black wrap dress, dark hosiery, and white closed-toe heels with an ankle strap, an origami flower pinned in her bun.

Hidan sucked in an audible breath as he looked at his new CSO. “Kakuzu didn’t tell me she was a fucking sexpot...” he whispered in Deidara’s ear. 

“Be good. You’re dating someone already,” the blond murmured back with a roll of his eyes. Getting up from the chair, his red Chuck Taylors made little squeaks as he shuffled over the linoleum and over to where Konan was standing waiting for him, the woman’s stilettos making her a head taller than he was. He handed her his report form and watched as amber eyes scanned the paper to make sure all parts of the sheet were filled out. 

“Follow me, please,” she said, walking in the doorway and down the hallway leading towards her office. She held up her hand and motioned for Deidara to wait as they passed an open office door, the placard reading _Hoku, Kakuzu_. “He’s out there, Kakuzu.”

Kakuzu looked up from his newspaper. “Good. I don’t anticipate him giving you a lot of trouble, but he will flirt with you, so be prepared for it.”

Konan looked nonplussed. “A small group of us are going to the food truck for lunch. Would you like me to pick you up something?”

“Please.” 

Kakuzu rustled his paper as he turned the page, and he directed his vivid green eyes towards the blond behind his coworker, giving him a once over and diverting his attentions back to his article.

So this was Hidan’s guy. He was pretty easy on the eyes for being an older man. Deidara internally congratulated his friend on his good taste, then he remembered the fingerprint marks peeking out from the collar of Hidan’s top, doing a quick double-take. 

This also meant this was the man who was leaving bite marks and scrapes and cuts and dark purple bruises all over Hidan’s person, as well. Kakuzu didn’t outright look like a sadist, but appearances really were deceiving, weren’t they?

Deidara swallowed heavily in his throat and continued following his CSO to her office.

\-------------------------------------- 

“So, as you have been made aware, Officer Hoshigaki has been sending me regular progress reports about you. He’s written me that you’re a very hard worker and don’t make any trouble. That’s exactly what I want to hear from him. I hope you will continue to have good behavior and do your best.”

Deidara stopped fiddling with his fingers and relaxed visibly at Konan’s words.

“Were you anticipating hearing something else?” she inquired with a tilt of her head.

“I guess I just have a guilty conscience is all.”

Konan opened Deidara’s file and began thumbing through the paperwork. “You’re all caught up on your fees as of your last visit. I have the receipt right here if you need me to make a copy.”

“Aah, I’m good, thanks.”

“Other than your very first UA, the last few I’ve had you take have been clean of marijuana. Are you still continuing to abstain?”

“I’ll be honest with you, I’m just going to start doing it again when this is over...” Deidara mumbled, scratching his cheek.

“And that is your prerogative. Just do try to be discreet. It would not do for you to have put forth all this work and effort only to get another charge on your record.

“Oh, did you hear from the judge whether they’re going to drop the arson charge as of yet?”

“Let me see...” Konan began flipping through Deidara’s file again, pausing when she came across court documents. “...According to Judge Sarutobi, you should have been notified in early August of the dismissal. Did you not receive any form of correspondence by mail informing you of this?”

“To be honest, I only check my mail about twice a month because nothing ever really comes for me by post...” the artist said sheepishly. “So does this still mean I’m going to be a felon, hmm?”

“They’re reducing it to a misdemeanor given that the arson charge is no longer applicable.”

Internal celebratory fireworks went off in Deidara's brain.

“You really should check your mail more often. You’re asking me questions you could have already had the answers to if you’d been more proactive.” 

“I’ll start checking it.”

“Good. Now, when we last visited, you told me you had made some friends in the work program. How are you maintaining those relationships?”

“I talk to them both almost every day. They make the work load more bearable.”

“Just don’t become distracted is all I ask. As long as I continue to receive good reports, you will be fine,” Konan looked up at the clock and noted that it had only been about ten minutes into Deidara’s scheduled appointment time. “I truthfully do not have anything else to speak of with you. You have been very easy to deal with, which I appreciate.”

“Ah... thank you?”

“It’s a good thing, trust me. Now, is there a specific day that works for your next appointment?”

“Anything that’s not on a Tuesday or Thursday for obvious reasons...” 

“Would you like to come in on the 22nd of next month as well, same time?”

“Pencil me in, hm.”

Konan opened the bottom drawer in her desk to the left of her person and took out a calendar, biting on her lip and making the stem in her labret piercing shift as she flipped to the 22nd day of September and wrote Deidara’s full name along with the time he was due to see her. The tall, statuesque woman directed her attentions back to her computer screen and clicked around with her mouse, pausing every so often to place her french-manicured fingers on her keyboard and type at a rapid speed.

The printer next to her desk whirred to life, and spat out a blank probationer’s report form, other than Deidara’s name, his appointment time, and his case and cause number, which were already on the sheet. Konan took it from the printing tray and handed it to Deidara. “Given there is nothing else to really discuss, you are free to go. Please send Mr. San, if you could be so kind.”

Nodding his assent, Deidara got up from the office chair and folded his report form into a neat square, taking his wallet out from his back pocket of his acid-wash skinny jeans and tucking it into the same slot that held a few ones and two twenty notes. Even he wasn’t dumb enough to leave it behind in his car like he usually did; he was in a building full of criminals of varying degrees, after all. Replacing it back in its prior location, he headed down the hallway and opened the door leading back into the lobby, walking over to where Hidan was sitting, the silver-haired man busy staring intently at his phone screen. “So, Kakuzu’s kind of hot.”

Hidan immediately perked up. “Isn’t he though? And what do you mean, _kind of??_ He’s _sexy.”_

Rolling his teal eyes, Deidara flicked Hidan square in his forehead. “Did you take your UA yet?”

“Yes, Babs. Don’t start pulling an Itachi on me, I already got him playing Mom to me, I don’t need a Dad either.”

“I bet your freaky ass calls Kakuzu “Daddy” anyways.”

The violet-eyed man flushed darkly and seemed to be in contemplative thought. “....I’m gonna give that shit a try and see what happens.”

“Don’t blame me if your neck gets broken!” Deidara said all-too-cheerfully.

“Is it my turn now?”

“Yeah, go get your ass in there. Hurry up while you’re at it, too. I wanna go blow some more of my hard-earned artistic slave labor money.”

Hidan got up from the plastic chair in a fluid motion. “Yeah, cause playing with clay all day is just so fucking hard...” he snickered and dodged the fist lunged his way, traipsing over towards the locked door and knocking on it insistently until Konan came and answered it. “Finally, babe, what took you?”

Deidara snorted; he knew Hidan wouldn’t be able to resist hitting on her.

\--------------------------------------

Hidan didn’t get it.

He was quite fucking charming, thank you very much. And somehow despite his flirtations, Konan didn’t respond to a single advance. She didn’t even bat an eyelash. Was she a raging lesbo or something? Had to be. It was the only explanation. 

The silver-haired male scratched his scalp confusedly and shrugged dismissively as he walked down the hallway towards the lobby. He immediately perked up when he saw Kakuzu’s office. Peering his head inside, a mischievous smile creeped onto his features as he saw his 46-year-old partner otherwise preoccupied and completely unaware of his presence. 

“KAKUZUHH!”

Looking up from his crossword puzzle in the newspaper, Kakuzu let out a noise as Hidan launched himself on top of him, his office chair tilting and sliding a few inches. “Hidan, what the fuc--”

“Look at this shit,” Hidan grinned and handed the man a folded up sheet of yellow paper. 

Kakuzu’s eyes widened. He _knew_ that color paper.

Opening it up hastily, jade green eyes scanned the typed letters on the page. 

“I made a payment. Aren’t you happy?”

Kakuzu said nothing. He just leaned in and pressed a kiss to Hidan’s cheek.

And then he promptly roughly shoved him out of his lap and onto the floor. “Don’t bother me at work.”

“You love me, you old fuck,” Hidan crowed with glee, despite being pushed to the hard carpeting of Kakuzu’s office. He got up to his feet and made an alarmed noise as he barely dodged the stapler lobbed at his head. _“Kakuzu!!”_

“Out. I’ll call you when I feel like it.”

“So tonight then?” the silver-haired man lips curled into a smirk, but his expression quickly turned to a deadpan as a tape dispenser was thrown at his face as well. “All right, all right, I’m going!” he quickly leaned in and kissed Kakuzu square on the mouth roughly, biting on the older man’s bottom lip before retreating, lest his significant other lob another random office object at his head. “Bye, ‘kuzu!”

Kakuzu watched as Hidan scampered out of his office. He looked down again at the yellow sheet of receipt paper. 

He’d somehow managed to scrape together four-hundred of his total amount. Though the CSO would never admit it out loud, he was quite pleased with Hidan.

Perhaps there was hope for his idiot yet.

\--------------------------------------

“Look how fucking packed it is. I can’t wait for all the kids to get back in school, hmm.”

“It’s next week, right?”

“Yep.”

Deidara steered the Celica into an empty parking spot near the food court entrance of the mall and shifted into park, tossing his lit cigarette out of the crack in his window and cutting the engine. Unbuckling his belt, he opened the car door and got out, feeling in his back pocket to make sure his wallet was still there. Hidan got out of the passenger side and shut the door, yawning widely and stretching his arms above his head, bones cracking audibly. “Hey, you wanna grab some overpriced white people coffee?”

“I’m assuming you’re talking about Starbucks.”

“You got it. I’ll buy.”

Deidara blinked. “Are you sure?”

“Think of it as a thank you for all the times you fed me on the way to the work program.”

He did have a point. The blond had spent a good amount of chunk change on feeding his best friend in the mornings.

“I’d forgotten that you hate to owe anybody anything.”

“You’re Jashin-damned right I fucking hate it.”

The two walked towards the entrance of the mall, matching stride, Hidan holding open the door and motioning for the blond to go ahead of him.

Deidara made a show of mockingly ‘clutching his pearls’ in faux surprise, laughing when Hidan shoved his shoulder with a roll of his eyes and a utterance of, “You fucker.”

They passed by the kiosks and small boutique stores on the way towards the Starbucks inside the mall, the line not too imposing as they approached. 

“What’cha want?” Hidan asked when they both stood at the end. 

“Gimme a medium hazelnut latte.”

“I think you mean ‘grande’, Babs.”

“Fuck you and your grande. Everyone knows it’s medium, hmm,” Deidara smirked and straightened the hemline of his red and white raglan tee as he surveyed the artwork of different coffee beverages on the store chalkboards.

His jaw dropped when he saw Hidan lift his top to scratch at an itch. “What the shit is that on your back!?”

Hidan paused and blinked. “Huh? Oh, this?” he twisted his body slightly and shifted up his shirt further to show off the scabbing knife marks carved into his alabaster skin on the left side of his lower back, peeking above the hem of his pants.

_**MINE** _

“Kakuzu did it!” the silver-haired male spoke like it was a completely normal thing to have someone take a blade to your skin.

“You both are completely fucking nuts!”

“Whaaaat? It’s sexy. He’s just batshit enough to make things interesting!”

“You better not ever cheat on him.”

“Why would I do that? I’m really crazy about him.”

“No, Hidan. You’re just fucking crazy.”

“Bahahaha!” 

Deidara looked at the mark again and shook his head with a sigh. Different strokes. The second Sasori ever tried something like that with him he’d kick the other artist in the teeth.

“Hello! How are you on this most glorious and youthful day!?” the bushy-eyebrowed barista exclaimed. “Please let me know how I can take your order!”

“Uhh... gimme a grande white mocha and a grande hazelnut latte...” Hidan blinked. 

“Yes! I have a grande white mocha, and a grande hazelnut latte! May I interest you in any of our delicious pastries for your enjoyment?”

“...Just gimme the fucking coffee, guy.”

“Excellent! Your total today shall be $10.94! Will this be with cash or credit?”

The violet-eyed man deadpanned. “Cash.”

He withdrew a twenty note and handed it to the barista, the corner of his right eye twitching and the nerves in his fingertips sending off synapses to his brain to punch the kid if he continued to be so obnoxiously happy. 

“Here is your change and receipt! May I kindly have your name for your order?”

“Yeah, it’s ‘go fuck yours--”

“Hidan. H-I-D-A-N, hmm!” Deidara interjected loudly, grabbing his friend by the arm and leading him away from the barista and towards the pick-up area. “Please don’t get us thrown out of the mall.”

“But I want to punch him right in his fucking eyebrows...”

 _“No,_ Hidan.”

“....Fine.”

Within minutes, the two were handed their coffees. As they walked out of the store, Hidan turned his cup to look at the name written on the side.

 _HEEDAWN_

“Jashin fucking _MOTHERFUCK!!”_

\--------------------------------------

“Are you seriously still pouting over the fact that your name was spelled wrong on the damn cup of coffee?” Deidara extended his legs out straight, moving his ankles in circular motions as he examined the oxblood boots and how they looked on his feet.

“No.”

“Are too.”

“So what?”

“You’re precious,” the saffron-haired sculptor grinned, standing up and wiggling his toes before taking long strides up and down the rows of shoes. 

When Deidara sat back down on the store bench next to him and began unlacing the eyelets, Hidan looked at him seriously. “I hated you when I first saw you.”

Teal eyes widened. “What?”

“I didn’t like that Itachi was talking to you. He was my best friend and suddenly he was paying attention to somebody other than me. It made me mad. That’s why I was a dick to you the first day we met.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m glad that I was wrong. I fucking love you, man.”

The blond’s eyes and expression softened, and he couldn’t help but smile. “I love you, too.”

Hidan grinned widely, his eyes closing briefly as he let out a happy laugh. He leaned in suddenly and planted his lips on Deidara’s cheek. 

“Come on Hidan, that’s just gay, hm!” Deidara said with a smirk.

“Didn’t you know? You roll with me and Itachi. It’s a given that we’re all secretly in homos with each other.”

The younger man snorted audibly and stuffed the boots back with the paper wadding and cardboard inserts, putting them back in the box and tucking them under his arm. “Let’s go pay for these and then we can get lunch from the food court.”

Hidan perked up at the mention of food. “I want Sbarro.”

Deidara went up to the register, Hidan following behind and encircling his arms around the artist’s waist as he paid for his shoes. “Promise me you won’t go anywhere,” the zealot murmured, leaning his chin on the other’s shoulder.

“You know you’re stuck with me and Itachi for life, man.”

A satisfied expression settled on Hidan’s features and he gave the blond one more squeeze before releasing him. “Good.”

As they left the store and walked in stride together towards the food court, Deidara glanced over at his companion and felt a warmth spread from his heart to the tips of his toes. Once again, he felt the same sense of renewed gratefulness to the taller man for invading his life and turning it upside down. 

Because he really couldn’t picture it being any other way than this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE FEELS TRAIN MOTHERFUCKERS.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I love Kisame and Itachi so much in this verse and I hope you love them too. Thanks for reading my shitty fic, I love you guys so much. All the comments and kudos bars make my day and are my fuel to keep this going.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Twelve_

_Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face_  
 _And stars fill my dream_  
 _I'm a traveler of both time and space_  
 _To be where I have been_  
 _To sit with elders of the gentle race_  
 _This world has seldom seen_  
 _They talk of days for which they sit and wait_  
 _All will be revealed_

Itachi’s eyes fluttered open tiredly. He blearily felt around on his nightstand for his phone, picking it up and squinting as the screen lit up brightly. 

5:17 in the morning. He slowly sat up and rubbed at his face. 

It was Tuesday morning, and his last day of the work program. He was glad to see it over, but at the same time he felt a little bit melancholy. Though he would by no means miss the manual labor, he would miss the consistent weekly contact he had with his two best friends. 

_Talk in song from tongues of lilting grace_  
_Sounds caress my ear_  
_And not a word I heard could I relate_  
_The story was quite clear_

Moving the sheets to the side, he slowly got to his feet and padded towards the open doorway, _‘Kashmir’_ floating through the hallway from downstairs in the kitchen. He walked down the stairs and into the living room, the music getting louder and the smell of breakfast cooking making his stomach rumble. 

What met his vision as he stepped into the kitchen was his boyfriend singing along to the Led Zeppelin song and bobbing his head as he cracked an egg into a skillet. “I didn’t realize I would be getting a concert this morning...” he said, wiping the sleep from his eyes with a smile. 

Kisame looked over his shoulder and grinned, giving his significant other a wink. “Hey there, gorgeous.”

_Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace_  
_Like sorts inside a dream_  
_Leave the path that led me to that place_  
_Yellow desert stream_  
_Like Shangri-la beneath the summer moon_  
_I will return again_  
_As the dust that floats finds you_  
_We're moving through Kashmir_

“Zeppelin this early in the morning, darling?” Itachi raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, I know it’s not your Depeche Mode, but come on, this is good stuff,” the officer continued singing along, cracking another egg and letting the yolk fall into the pan. “Scrambled good?”

“Of course,” the raven went over to the coffee machine and opened an above-head cabinet, picking out a package of coffee and rummaging in the drawer at waist level for a paper filter. Pouring the grounds inside and placing the filter in the brewer, he pressed a few buttons and inhaled the scent of the arabica beans with a sigh. 

_Oh, father of the four winds fill my sails_  
_Cross the sea of years_  
_With no provision but an open face_  
_Along the straits of fear_  
_Oh, when I want, when I'm on my way, yeah_  
_And my feet wear my fickle way to stay_

Kisame added a pinch of salt and pepper to the solidifying yolk and whites, spinning the lazy susan full of spices and picking out some tarragon, sprinkling a few dashes. 

“Oh my. Feeling fancy this morning, are we?” Itachi teased openly, hopping up on the granite countertop and making himself comfortable on his perch as he steeled his garnet eyes over his boyfriend’s muscular, bronzed form appreciatively. 

“I wonder who I learned it from?” 

“I have absolutely no idea,” the raven said innocently, making Kisame’s smile widen. 

“You minx.”

_Ooh, yeah yeah, oh, yeah yeah,_  
_But I'm down oh, yeah yeah, oh, yeah_  
_Yeah, but I'm down, so down_  
_Ooh, my baby, oh, my baby_  
_Let me take you there_  
_Come on, oh let me take you there_  
_Let me take you there_

The officer used his spatula as a faux microphone as he crooned out the last verse, pointing at Itachi and nodding his head, the action making the Uchiha laugh softly behind his hand.

Finishing his impromptu concert, Kisame leaned over and turned down the volume of the iHome speaker to a more appropriate level and strode over to the younger man, leaning down and planting a deep kiss on his lips. “Morning, baby. You sleep OK?” he rubbed their noses together gingerly. 

“Up until a certain man decided it was time for me to get up...”

“I wanted to try to make you breakfast. It’s your last day today, so I wanted it to be special. You know I’m proud of you.”

Itachi took advantage of their position to wrap his legs around Kisame’s waist and languidly drape his arms over the taller man’s broad shoulders. “You don't have to go to such a fuss, but thank you,” he leaned in and shared another liplock with his lover. 

“You still have to clean the bathrooms, though,” the older man said when they parted.

The Uchiha smiled and shrugged. “It can’t be helped.”

Kisame wrapped his arms firmly around the smaller man’s frame and held him close, leaning in and inhaling the scent of Itachi’s loose, flowing hair. “When I come home tonight I’m taking you for dinner.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Surf and turf.”

“But of course,” Itachi said wistfully. “You miss home, don’t you?”

“As long as I’m with you, I am home.”

The two parted and Itachi hopped down from his location on top of the counter as the coffee finished brewing. Opening up the refrigerator, he took out the container of creamer and set it down next to the coffee maker, getting two mugs and pouring them each a cup with a splash of amaretto-flavored cream. He blew slowly at the hot liquid, making soft ripples and taking a careful sip.

“Better?”

“Much,” Itachi nodded as the caffeine converged upon his brain and awakened his senses further. 

“Do we want bacon or sausage?”

“Mm... let’s go with bacon today,” the 26-year-old put the creamer back in the fridge and handed Kisame the package of thick-cut smoked applewood bacon, shutting the refrigerator door and moving towards the pantry. He opened the door to the space and grabbed the sliced sandwich bread, untwisting the tie. “How many pieces of toast do you want?”

“I’ll take two.”

Itachi took out four slices of bread and arranged them in the toaster oven next to the microwave, pressing a few buttons. The loaf was re-tied shut and put back on the pantry shelf next to boxes of pasta and cereal. 

The slices of bacon sizzled as they hit the hot pan, the fat crackling and leaping from the skillet. Kisame let out a noise as a droplet burst and landed on his bare stomach.

“Now you see why I stopped making you breakfast naked in the morning...” Itachi said with an amused look.

“I do miss that...” the islander said forlornly.

“Don’t worry. There’s still lunch and dinner, you know.”

“Oh baby,” Kisame’s onyx eyes twinkled as he wiggled his brows. 

“Do you want to shower with me after we eat?”

The officer sighed. “I want to really, really badly. But I don’t want to be late for work, and I will be if we do it together.”

“You could always just keep your hands to yourself,” the raven murmured nonchalantly over his coffee cup.

His partner gave him a deadpan expression. 

“You are insatiable, Kisa.”

“And I have every reason to be!”

Itachi smiled, directing his attentions to the toaster oven when it began beeping obnoxiously. Getting two plates, he opened the oven and carefully extracted the bread slices, letting out a noise as they burned his fingertips slightly. Waving his hand and sucking on the pad of his thumb, he opened the refrigerator door and took out the butter dish, closing it with a bump of his hip. Getting two knives and forks from the silverware drawer, the raven set the table as Kisame dished up scrambled eggs and bacon slices onto their plates. 

“Don’t forget to turn off the burner this time, darling.”

“Ahaha, yeah, I did leave it on last time, didn’t I?” Kisame grinned sheepishly and did as he was reminded to, switching the burner dial and bringing over both plates of food and setting them down. “What would I do without you?”

“Starve,” Itachi replied bluntly.

“You’re probably right.”

“This is how you cooked before you met me: ‘5-0-0, start’,” the Uchiha mimicked using a microwave with his index finger with a smirk.

“Look at me now. I’m putting tarragon in the eggs and I didn’t even drop any shell in this time.”

“I’m so proud.”

Itachi grabbed onto his and Kisame’s coffee cups and placed them at their respective spots at the breakfast table, but not before taking another sip out of his. They both sat down, Kisame immediately opening the butter dish and scooping a hearty amount onto his knife and slathering it on his toast.

The raven picked up his own knife and dipped it in the butter dish at the same time Kisame came back for more, and the officer grinned, using the opportunity to pretend their butter knives were dueling swords. 

“You’re a dork, Kisa.”

“But you love me anyways, babe.”

“I cannot deny that.”

Sticking out his tongue, Kisame gathered his eggs up onto a slice of toast and broke his strips of bacon, arranging them on top and slapping the second slice of bread and smooshing everything together to make a breakfast sandwich. Picking it up with both hands, he noisily bit into it, his partner looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

Itachi was more polite and methodical as he ate compared to his boyfriend. He broke his toast off into small pieces and placed them on the tip of his tongue, chewing with his mouth closed and sipping at his coffee. Occasionally eggs would be speared onto his fork and quietly eaten.

“You eat like a bird.”

“You eat like a shark.”

“You flatter me.”

The Uchiha responded with a subtle wink as he bit into a slice of slightly-overcooked bacon.

\--------------------------------------

Turning on the light in the closet, Itachi continued toweling off his long ebony locks as he glanced around at the racks of clothes. Kisame’s things had taken over the left side, while his own were on the right. He yanked a plain white tee and a pair of dark-wash blue jeans off their hangers, walking over to the mahogany dresser drawers and opening them, withdrawing a pair of clean socks and underwear. He quickly dressed and went back into the master bath, hanging back up his towel and grabbing his hairbrush. He pulled the bristles through his damp mane until it was pin-straight and plucked up the hair tie left near the sink, putting his hair up into a loose ponytail.

Kisame had already left for work about fifteen minutes prior, and it was only the Uchiha in their shared dwelling now. Already the house felt a little bit too big without him taking up space.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Itachi blinked and then yawned widely. Grasping onto his toothbrush and paste, he lazily began brushing his teeth, moving it in circular motions as he walked back into the bedroom area and picked up his phone from the nightstand on his side of the bed, taking it off the charger.

He swiped his finger across the screen and typed in his passcode, a text from Deidara popping up that he had missed last night. 

Tapping on it, he opened the message to a photo of Hidan and Deidara both flipping choice fingers and sticking out their tongues.

_‘Next time don’t be a loser and come sleep over too!’_

He smiled softly and saved the photo. They’d invited him to stay the night last night and all go to the work program together in the morning, but he didn’t want to disappoint Kisame by not being there when he’d gotten home from work, even though he knew the man would tell him to go spend time with his friends. 

_‘I hope you both had fun. We’ll all hang out again soon. See you in a while.’_

Walking back into the bathroom phone in hand, Itachi finished brushing his teeth and rinsed off his toothbrush, dropping it back in the holder. He put his phone in his jeans pocket and picked up the necklace his favorite cousin Shisui had gifted him, hooking it in the eyelet and straightening it as it came to rest in the hollow of his prominent collarbones. He wore it every single day and today would still be that case. 

He gave his reflection a once-over and was satisfied.

Shutting the master bedroom door behind himself as he exited, he walked down the stairs one by one and picked up his plain black and white Converse sneakers from the door, slipping them on without need to untie the laces. He headed back into the kitchen area and out the back patio door, the heavy perfume of his flower garden assaulting his nose. His pack of cherry Djarum Black clove cigarettes were on the glass of the outdoor table, and he pulled out a chair and sat down, taking one between his teeth and lighting it. 

He’d traded one addiction for another, and as he took a deep drag off his cigarette, he could feel his body relax as nicotine invaded his bloodstream. Letting out a low sigh, he took his phone back out from his pocket and began typing. 

_‘You really shouldn’t have given me a cigarette that day.’_

His phone buzzed in receipt of a text. 

_‘Good morning to you too, Itachi.’_

He smiled softly and exhaled wispy white smoke through his nose, another text lighting up the screen.

_‘You’re finally done as of today, aren’t you? Who am I going to have watch out for my brat when you’re not there?’_

_‘Hidan will look after him, Sasori.’_

_‘That’s what I’m afraid of.’_

The two had formed a friendship of sorts, bonding over their mutual love of old books and movies and a particular blond. He felt a sense of camaraderie with the redhead, the both of them being similar in disposition. And while he loved Hidan and Deidara dearly, sometimes their loud, boisterous attitudes, so completely unlike his own, would grate on his nerves. With Sasori, he could enjoy quiet discourse and intelligent banter, something that was sometimes lacking when he was with his two best friends. 

_‘Does it feel strange?’_

_‘Not being there? A little bit. But I don’t miss it at all. I was ready to move on and forward.’_

_‘The only thing you miss is him.’_

_‘Exactly. And I know you can relate somewhat.’_

_‘I am a bit more fortunate though in that Kisame all but lives with me already.’_

_‘Yeah. I don’t want to rush anything too quickly, but I’m pretty certain that’s where things will be headed for us as well.’_

_‘He’ll do that little odd noise when you ask him to move in.’_

_‘I knew I wasn’t the only one who noticed Deidara does that when he gets excited or embarrassed.’_

_‘It’s pretty hard not to...’_

_‘Lol’_

Tapping the edge of his cigarette on the black plastic ashtray in the center of the table, Itachi brought his cigarette to his lips and inhaled more nicotine into his lungs, coughing mildly. His airways had always been a little on the weaker side, and he knew he really wasn’t doing himself any favors by smoking, but it was better than disappointing Kisame. Letting his cigarette loosely dangle from his mouth, his thumbs rapidly danced across the screen as he sent another text to Sasori. 

_‘I’ll give him your love.’_

_‘You have my permission. Try to enjoy your last day of hell.’_

_‘Thank you. I’ll text you soon.’_

_‘Of course, friend.’_

Darkening the screen, the raven put his phone back in his pants pocket and snuffed out the filter of his clove cigarette, getting up and heading back inside his home, the patio door locked behind him. He headed over to the sink and picked up his travel mug from the drying rack. He poured the last remains of the pot of coffee into it, adding another splash of cream and tightening the lid on it. Taking a sip, he picked up the keys to his Armada off the coffee table, but hesitated, setting them down. 

Might as well. It needed to be driven otherwise the oil would become stagnant and it wouldn’t start. 

Exiting from the house via the door leading into the attached garage, Itachi approached the car residing inside hiding under a tarp and slowly began unfurling the fabric to expose the vehicle. Once the sleek Lotus Evora 400 was revealed to his gaze, he sat down his coffee tumbler on the hood and folded up the grey tarp neatly and set it on top of one of the nearby multitude of storage boxes that contained family heirlooms, photographs, and other mementos of his parents and younger brother.

It had been a little bit since he had drove it, but the custom black-and-red shift paint job was pristine and without a speck of dust. Opening the driver’s side door, he slid into the soft leather seat and closed it, opening the visor and the keys to the car falling into his lap. His travel mug of coffee was set in the cupholder after he took another sip, and with a press of the automatic remote on the key ring of the Lotus, the garage door was opened. Itachi stuck the keys in the ignition and twisted them, the car roaring loudly to life. He gave a few experimental presses to the gas, humming in satisfaction as his fingers molded to the steering wheel.

Looking at his reflection as he adjusted the rearview mirror, he hooked his phone up to the aux cable and began pressing buttons on the stereo system, shifting into reverse as Depeche Mode’s greatest hits audited the car. As he backed out of the driveway, he closed the garage door and looked over his shoulder, pulling out onto the street and well aware that the ostentatious car was loud enough to probably wake his more sensitive of neighbors at this time of morning. 

“Oh well. It can’t be helped,” he voiced his thoughts aloud with a shrug as he shifted into drive and pressed insistently on the gas pedal and sped off out of the neighborhood.

\--------------------------------------

“This shit blows, hm.”

“What are you getting so worked up about, Barbie? We knew this day would come.”

“OK, but Itachi is like our glue. We’re gonna fucking fall apart if he’s not here, I can see it now!”

“Fucking drama queen.”

Deidara gave an exaggerated melodramatic sigh and held the back of his hand to his forehead. “But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?! It is the east, and Itachi is the sun!”

“Oh my motherfucking Jashin, Deidara...” Hidan’s jaw dropped briefly and he pursed his lips together to stifle his laughter.

“Did I even say that right? See what I mean, who’s going to tell me if I’m reciting Shakespeare correctly? It’s not like you and I are smart enough to know that shit!”

“We really aren’t.”

“Shit! First my man, now Itachi! This fucking sucks!”

“You bitchy little heathen, what about me!?”

“What about you, hm!?!” 

_“I’m still here, you know!”_

Deidara opened his mouth to spit out a retort but was silenced by the loud roar of the Evora pulling into the lot of the gun range. “What is with all these rich assholes! Surely their lawyers aren’t so crappy they can’t get their community service bought off!”

Hidan’s shoulders began shaking, and he covered his mouth with his hand.

“What the hell are you laughing at?!”

“You’ll see, Babs.”

Scratching his scalp confusedly, Deidara watched as the owner of the car parked and got out. He deadpanned visibly, and Hidan burst into a gale of laughter, slapping his thigh.

“Your fucking face, man!”

“Itachi! What the hell is that car!?” the teal-eyed male pointed as Itachi shut the door and armed the alarm with a press of the key remote. 

“My fun one. Did you really think me so reasonable that I would not have one?”

“Uh, if I say yes...”

The raven waved him off as he walked over to stand next to the blond and silver-haired man. “It had been sitting for a few weeks. It needed to be driven. Unfortunately now I’ve given people the illusion that I am some kind of show-off, but I suppose if the shoe fits...”

“You’re the most understated show-off ever, hm.”

“Thank you--” Itachi let out a surprised sound as muscled arms wrapped around him tightly, but his expression softened. “Hello, Hidan. I take it you are going to miss me.”

“You better still be down to chill when you have free time.”

The Uchiha rolled his eyes. “You both are quite ridiculous. Just because you will no longer see me on Tuesdays and Thursdays does not mean that we are all not best friends anymore. We will all see each other. I would not have invested all this time in both of you if I was simply to cast you aside when it became convenient.”

“In layman’s terms, he’s telling us to shut the fuck up and stop worrying,” Deidara winked at Hidan.

“I wasn’t the one reciting Shakespeare in reference to him, Babs...” Hidan muttered.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing! I was doing nothing, hmm!”

“Let’s just get in line.”

Itachi moved to start heading towards the forming line of probates, but not before tapping his index and middle fingers of both hands square on Hidan and Deidara’s foreheads with a soft smile.

\--------------------------------------

“I see you drove the fun car today. Couldn’t resist giving the work program a huge ‘fuck off’, could you?” Kisame said to Itachi as he was raking up pine needles.

The raven paused in his work and issued him a wry smile. “It wasn’t my initial motive, but I cannot help but feel like that is the impression I am giving people.”

“Why shouldn’t you? You worked hard, you deserve to feel full of yourself today.”

“Perhaps. But I’m sure it will be quite a relief for you as well to not have to hide anything between us anymore.”

The officer let out a soft laugh and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve been looking forward to this day for months, honestly.”

“I feel the same way...” Itachi leaned his chin against the rake and blinked his garnet eyes, taking in the entirety of the wooded area of the range and letting out a sigh. He directed his attentions over towards his two friends, the both of them noisily arguing over who was going to hold open the black contractor bag and who was going to rake pinecones and needles. “You’ll still have your work cut out for you, of course.”

“I can handle Twinkie and Holy Roller just fine, so don’t worry.”

“I understand ‘Holy Roller’, but why do you refer to Deidara as a sponge cake?”

“Because he’s full of Akasuna’s cream filling.”

Itachi’s jaw dropped and his face flushed darkly. Making sure the other two officers weren’t looking, he used the handle of the rake and gingerly smacked Kisame’s rear with it, walking away and purposely ignoring the wild grin he was being issued from his boyfriend.

“See you tonight, babe.”

“Yes, dear.”

\--------------------------------------

“Just think. It’s your last peanut butter and jelly sandwich, hmm!”

“I highly doubt I will ever eat another again, to be frank.”

“Can I eat it, then?” Hidan interjected hopefully.

Rolling his eyes, Itachi tossed the plastic lunch bag at the taller man, Hidan catching it with ease. The raven sipped at his cup of water and smoothed his sweaty bangs out of his face. “I won’t miss the work. But I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss the both of you, too. You’ve made this experience a lot more tolerable, and I thank you for it.”

“Sasori has to go out of town this weekend and won't be back for a week. You both want to come over and finally have that sleepover?”

“Why don’t you both come over to my place instead? I’ll make dinner and we can paint our toes and talk about boys we like,” Itachi said with a smirk.

“I’m down. How ‘bout you, Babs?” Hidan grinned.

“Hell yeah.”

“Good, then it’s settled. I’ll be expecting you Friday night.”

“Are you and Kisame going to do anything to celebrate your freedom, hmm?” Deidara asked, biting into his shiny red apple with a noisy crunch.

“We’re going out to dinner tonight.”

“You two are disgustingly domestic, you know that?” the silver-haired man said with a blase expression as he used his teeth to rip open the packet of jelly for his sandwich.

“I bet it’s a relief though. He won’t have to be torn between you and his job anymore, hm.”

“We’re both looking forward to it.”

“Hey, do you get to take advantage of your relationship with him and not have to clean the bathroom?” Hidan slapped his two pieces of sandwich bread together and bit into it noisily, reminding Itachi of Kisame earlier that morning.

“...Unfortunately, no,” he replied blankly, taking another gulp of water.

“You’re going to have fun. I couldn’t even go in there today, it was a fucking mess.”

Itachi’s eyes widened slightly.

\--------------------------------------

Hidan had not been exaggerating. The bathroom had been a complete wreck, and more than ever, Itachi was glad to finally be free of the work program. After discarding his vest for the last time in the black bin, he walked towards the parking lot where Hidan and Deidara were waiting for him, the two leaning against the hood of his Evora and smoking. He smiled as he saw them, and unlocked his car, opening the driver’s side door and rifling around in the middle console for his own pack of kretek cigarettes.

“By the way, I had forgotten this morning...” he leaned in and planted a kiss on Deidara’s cheek. “That’s from Sasori.”

He received a wide grin in response. “I’m really happy you two are friends now, too.”

“I had hoped you would be pleased.” 

Hidan jumped as his ringtone for work began playing, a voice singing _‘Nobody cares!’_ over and over again to the tune of Beethoven’s 5th symphony. “H’llo? ....What? You know I don’t fucking speak Spanish, man! What the hell do you want? ...Come to work? NOW?? FUCK. All right, all right!” he ended the call and gave Deidara desperate look. “Babs. Help.”

Rolling his eyes and flicking his cigarette, the blond nodded. “Come on, I’ll take you.”

“Itachi! I fucking love you, man! Good job on getting out of here, blah blah blah, speech! See you Friday night!” Hidan waved, ushering over towards the Celica.

Deidara leaned in and gave Itachi a hug. “We’ll see you.”

Itachi wrapped his arm around Deidara’s waist and leaned in, murmuring into his ear. “Look out for each other.”

“Of course. See you later, hmm.”

Itachi watched as the two got in the Celica and drove off. He sat down on the hood of the Evora and took a cigarette from his pack, lighting it and taking a light drag. A soft wind blew through the air and rustled his bangs, the breeze a welcome relief to his heated skin.

One obstacle down, another to go. He had a year of probation left, but he knew as long as he had Kisame and his friends, he would get through it just fine.

\--------------------------------------

_“Luuuuuucy, I’m hooooome!”_

Itachi’s lips curled into a smile as he heard Kisame’s voice echo throughout the house. “I’m upstairs, Ricky!” he yelled back, smoothing the collar of his maroon red button up he was wearing over a plain black wifebeater and tight-fitting jeans. He adjusted his necklace so the hook closure was in back again, and surveyed his reflection in the full-length mirror in the bedroom.

A low whistle met his ears. “Hey, sexy. Who you looking like a snack for?”

“My boyfriend. Have you seen him? He should be home any minute now...” he replied with a tiny smirk, standing on the tips of his besocked toes and planting a kiss on Kisame’s lips firmly. “You need a shower.”

“I’m sure I do,” Kisame unbuttoned his uniform shirt and tossed it in the hamper, working on his belt buckle. “Did you already make the reservation?”

“Yes. 7:15.”

“Sounds good. I won’t be long, so you can finish that episode of Handmaid’s Tale we were watching last night.”

Itachi nodded and smiled, reaching into the closet and plucking a pair of ankle-length black buckled chelsea boots up with his index and middle fingers and headed downstairs, setting them by the door and plunking down on the leather sectional sofa in the living room and feeling around for the remote.

He hugged a throw pillow to his chest as he scrolled through the TV shows he and Kisame would binge-watch together and resumed the episode, eyes watching the screen intently. He’d fallen asleep in the middle of it, but Kisame always would rewind it back for him to resume watching at the same place they’d left off at before he had fell into slumber. 

It was one of the small but meaningful gestures his boyfriend would grace him with in their daily day-to-day life with each other. 

The sound of water running echoed from upstairs, and Itachi made himself comfortable on the sofa as he watched the second season finale of his show.

He didn’t have to wait long. About twenty minutes later, Kisame came padding down the stairs, wearing a dark button-up and form-fitting jeans that hugged every muscle and hard plane in his body as he buttoned the cuffs of his shirt.

“Oh my. If I’m a snack then you’re a meal,” Itachi said, looking over his shoulder as the credits rolled on the screen of the TV.

Kisame grinned widely, his cheek pinkening a little. “Speaking of meal, I’m starving. Time to head out?”

“Yeah. Let me drive?”

“Sure.”

\--------------------------------------

The lobster and steak had been delicious. Itachi pressed his back against the dining chair and let out a satisfied noise as their plates were cleared away.

“I have a couple things I want to tell you,” Kisame said while signing his name on the credit card receipt of their dinner bill. 

“Hm?”

“First, I decided to bite the bullet and I broke my lease today. I don’t want to have to wait around for another two and half months to live with you.”

Itachi smiled softly and sipped at his glass. “I figured you would do so now that almost everything of yours other than your furniture is at the house. What was the other thing?” 

“You’re going to be a Dad.”

The Uchiha nearly choked on his water. “...Pardon?”

Kisame grinned and pulled out his phone, swiping his finger across it and pulling up his photos. He turned the screen to face the raven. “His name is Samehada, and he’s ours.”

“Kisa...” Itachi breathed in, the ice around his heart melting as he looked at the photograph of a fluffy blue Chow pup with twinkling amber eyes and a curling tail.

“We’re going to be a family. All of us.”

Itachi’s eyes lidded, and he looked down at his lap briefly before directing his vision back to the picture and Kisame again. “I would like that...” 

“There’s one last thing though, as well,” Kisame murmured, putting his phone back in his pocket.

“Hm?”

The officer gave him a serious look before continuing. “Samehada can’t have parents that aren’t married. What would all the other dogs think of him, being owned out of wedlock?”

The raven faltered, his expression becoming hesitant. “Kisame...”

“Listen to me. I love you. Everything about you,” Kisame took his partner’s hand in his palms, squeezing affectionately. “I know that you think it’s too soon. I know you think that I could end up changing my mind, but that’s not going to happen. Itachi, I’ve known I’ve wanted to marry you the moment I first laid eyes on you. I saw you and I knew. I knew you were the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you. I want to die a happy man with you in my arms.”

Itachi’s garnet eyes began watering at Kisame’s words. His breathing hitched in his chest when his lover got up from his chair and got down on one knee in front of him, the action garnering the attentions of other restaurant patrons. 

“Itachi, would you do me the greatest honor of my life and be my husband?”

Itachi closed his eyes and smiled, a single tear escaping and trailing down his cheek. He let out a noise and buried his face in his palms, his cheeks flushing heatedly. Biting down on his bottom lip, he nodded his head slowly. “Yes.”

Kisame let out the breath he had been holding and grinned from cheek to cheek. He reached in his pocket and took out a black band with a small ruby stone in the center, taking hold of Itachi’s hand and slipping it on his left ring finger.

The applause and murmurs from other diners audited the intimate atmosphere of the restaurant. Getting to his feet, Kisame leaned in and kissed Itachi with all the passion he could muster, his heart feeling so full that he was certain it would burst. “I love you.”

“I love you...” Itachi whispered back against his lips, smiling as the officer used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tear on his face. 

“I promise I’ll only ever make you cry happy tears, just like this.”

The two embraced and held each other tightly for an intense but poignant moment. Itachi opened one eye and held up his hand, looking at the ring on his finger and feeling his chest ache with emotion. He let out a soft noise and buried his face in Kisame’s neck. 

The older man ran his fingers through Itachi’s loose hair soothingly, breaking their hold on another and planting another soft kiss to the raven’s lips. “You ready to go home now?”

Home. 

_Their_ home.

Itachi nodded, his face alight with a happy glow as he got up and laced his fingers with Kisame’s, the two walking hand in hand out of the restaurant. “Kisa...?” he said when they got to the raven’s car. 

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For loving me. For wanting me.”

“I will _always_ want you, Itachi. Forever.”

“...You want to drive?”

“Oh _fuck_ yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi is forever the Mom friend.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm kind of becoming disillusioned with this piece and I wonder if that is a normal feeling for writers to have, because I've been out of the game for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to be one.  
> I'm still going to finish it though.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Thirteen_

“‘Hada, down!”

Kisame grinned and shifted his weight in the kitchen chair as their new pup continued to jump up on Itachi’s legs and pant. He tilted his head up slightly and looked at his fiance, Itachi’s hands covered by black rubber gloves as he held a plastic dish full of hair color and a dyeing brush. “He wants to play with you.”

“Don’t move, dear,” Itachi replied, slathering more color onto Kisame’s roots. “You’re making the towel shift.”

Samehada didn’t take kindly to being ignored. The dog began nibbling with his tiny puppy teeth at Itachi’s toes, making the Uchiha wince. “‘Hada! I’m not a chew toy!”

“Hold on, babe. Maybe he’ll chill if I hold him...” Kisame held onto the towel around his shoulders and got up, gathering the squirming animal in his arms and sitting back down. Samehada quit moving and made himself comfortable on Kisame’s lap with a wide yawn.

“Thank you,” the raven let out a sigh of relief as the dog settled down.

“Enjoy him while he’s small. He’ll get huge soon and you’ll wish he was this little again.”

“I get to pick our next fur child.”

“You mean you want more than one?” the officer grinned widely. 

“Don’t get any ideas. I don’t want the house turning into a zoo just because you misinterpret my words.” 

“I promise I won’t bring anything else home. Thanks for doing my hair for me again, by the way.”

“You know I’m happy to, dear.”

“Who’s the other box for? Hidan?” Kisame nodded at the boxes of silver dye and developer still in the plastic shopping bag from the beauty supply store.

“Yes. His blond is showing again.”

Onyx eyes shut briefly and then reopened as more color was brushed onto his scalp. “Have you ever thought about doing this for real? You’re good at it, babe... I could fall asleep, honestly.”

Itachi had a thoughtful expression as he continued his broad strokes of dye, taking care not get any on Kisame’s temples or on his ears. “I hadn’t ever really considered it, no.”

“You really should think about it. I know you get restless sometimes with nothing to do. Going back to school and learning a trade could be good for you. Might keep you out of trouble.” 

“Perhaps, but not until ‘Hada is housebroken. I’ve cleaned up two puddles today already. I’m glad we only have carpet in the bedrooms.”

Kisame’s fingers carded through Samehada’s soft abundance of fur as the pup yawned cutely. “What time are Frick and Frack getting here?” he said, referring of course to Deidara and Hidan.

Itachi rolled his eyes at his fiance’s comment. “They should be here any minute now. Are you still going over to Zabuza and Haku’s for the night?”

“Yeah. I figure it’s time I drop in on my best friend while you’re hanging with yours tonight.”

Itachi hummed in assent and continued gingerly applying the dark blue tint to the officer’s hair. “I like this color on you. It looks black otherwise, but you can see the blue in the sunlight, so you can get away with having it at your job.”

“Exactly.”

Itachi finished up coloring Kisame’s strands just as the screen of his phone lit up, the notification app for their security cameras sensing movement outside the house. “That’s probably them,” he said, removing his black rubber gloves and tossing them in the garbage, the bowl of color and the brush applicator rinsed clean in the sink and set down on the rack to dry.

_Wuff._

Samehada’s fur bristled, and he let out another soft bark. And then the puppy went crazy as he heard knocking, leaping out of Kisame’s lap, his tiny nails clicking on the tile and the hardwood flooring as he zoomed to the front door and spun in circles, barking loudly at the shadows approaching the frosted glass.

“Good boy, ‘Hada...” Kisame smirked, laughing as Itachi narrowed his eyes at him, using his index and middle fingers to gesture at his garnet orbs and then point them at the taller man as he left the kitchen. 

Heading into the living room and being careful not to step on any scattered toys, the raven twisted the lock on the front door, using the ball of his bare foot to move Samehada off to the side so the puppy wouldn’t go darting outside. He opened it and smiled at Hidan and Deidara, gesturing for them to quickly come inside. 

“What the hell, when did you get a fucking dog!?” Hidan gaped, a plastic bag of his clothes slung over his shoulder.

Itachi shut the door behind the pair and rolled his eyes at Hidan’s exclamation. “We got him Wednesday night.”

“He’s so freaking cute!” Deidara set down his overnight bag on the floor and leaned over, promptly picking up the squirming Chow. “It’s a he, right?” he asked, laughing as Samehada began eagerly licking his cheeks.

“Yes. His name is Samehada.”

“Aw man, I’m not good with pets... Especially dogs. It’s even worse ‘cause his other Dad is a 5-0. Your boyfriend’s gonna train him to chase people like me when he gets big!” Hidan looked extremely uncomfortable as he unlaced the eyelets of his boots and toed them off, opening up the door to the nearby mud closet and setting them inside and closing it.

Itachi’s cheeks pinkened softly. “We’re not just boyfriends anymore.”

“Huh?” the violet-eyed man blinked in confusion.

_“We’re getting married!”_ Kisame yelled from inside the kitchen.

“...What he said.”

“What the hell, are you serious, hm!?” Deidara perked up, his teal eyes widening in excitement as he scratched Samehada behind the ears.

“I fucking knew it was gonna happen sooner or later...” Hidan shrugged, not surprised in the slightest by the news unlike the blond.

“Do you have a ring?” the youngest of the three asked, setting the puppy down finally and watching as Samehada trotted over towards a chew toy laying in the middle of the floor and began teething at it.

The raven held out his left hand.

Deidara gingerly took it in his, examining the black band and the small ruby gem. “Oh, that’s nice. Well fuck, congratulations you two.”

_“Thank you!”_ Kisame’s voice echoed again.

“You could stand to come out here and be more friendly, dear!” Itachi’s voice did nothing to disguise the irritation in his tone.

The islander grumbled, but made an appearance, his hair plastered to his head by the dye and the towel still resting on his shoulders. “Hidan. Deidara,” he nodded in acknowledgement.

“‘Sup, 5-0?”

“Hey, Kisame,” Deidara grinned and gave the man a small wave.

“As you can see, we’ve been playing beauty salon today. You’re up next, Holy Roller.”

“Oh thank fuck, my roots have been showing for about a week. If I hear another blond comment from Kakuzu I won’t blow that old bastard for a month.”

Kisame blanched and his onyx eyes widened. “Wait, for real? Are you seriously fucking him?”

“Uh... yes?”

The officer threw his hands up in the air. “Fucking hell. That explains why that asshole has been more relaxed during our poker games.”

_“Since when are you two familiar with each other outside of work!?”_

“I could have sworn I told you they play cards together with a group of others every Sunday, Hidan...” Itachi murmured.

“Fuck! Does everybody fucking hang out with everybody or something!?”

“Nobody hangs out with Sasori except me and Itachi!” Deidara said all-too-cheerfully.

“Actually, he and I traded numbers before he left the program and I asked him if he wanted to join us for cards, too...”

“Now you are becoming too familiar...” the blond huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fate is quite a mysterious temptress, isn’t she?” Kisame countered with a wink.

“Yeah, yeah, just don’t go talking about me while you’re with each other or I’ll kick your ass!” the silver-haired man interjected irritably, setting his clothes down next to Deidara’s.

“Oh don’t get me wrong, I knew he was banging somebody, I just didn’t know it was you. You leave bite marks, Hidan. And apparently so does he.”

Hidan’s face turned multiple shades of red as he placed his palm over the scabbing teeth marks and hickeys on his throat. “Do you have any food? I’m gonna eat your food...” he scuttled past Kisame and went into the kitchen, embarrassment all over his features.

“Don’t eat my snack cakes!” Kisame yelled after him.

_“I do what I want!”_

The officer rolled his eyes and looked at Deidara. “You’re cool with it, right? Akasuna always was really easy to deal with in the program and I figured he’d come around here eventually since you and Itachi are attached at the hip.”

“Sasori can be friends with whoever he wants. Besides, this means we can go out on double dates,” Deidara grinned, giving Kisame double pistols with his index fingers and a wink.

Itachi rolled his eyes at the blond but smiled. “I’m going to take you guys’ things up.”

“Hey babe, how much longer ‘til I can wash this out and go?” Kisame gestured to his hair as Itachi began walking up the flight of stairs, Deidara and Hidan’s belongings in tow.

“Give it another fifteen minutes,” the raven replied, voice echoing from the upstairs hallway.

“Fifteen minutes stuck with us, what will you do?” Deidara gasped mockingly.

“You’re fine. It’s Hidan I don’t want to deal with,” Kisame shrugged.

“Sasori doesn’t really like him much either... what exactly did he do to rub you the wrong way, anyways?”

“His very first day of the work program, he got up in my face and told me he’d sacrifice me to his God if I kept on looking at him cross-eyed. Whatever that means... He’s just irritating is all!”

_“I can motherfucking hear you!!”_

“Good!!” Kisame yelled back loudly, clenching his fist.

“...Are you sure you just don’t like him because he’s fucked your fiance, hm?”

“We don’t speak of those dark times.”

“But--”

_“We don’t speak of them!”_

Deidara held up his hands, but he had a shit-eating grin on his face as he did so. He knew he’d hit the nail on the head.

“...Fine, yes, that is the reason I don’t like him. Are you quite satisfied, Twinkie?”

“Why do you call me that?”

“It’s because you’re full of--”

“Dear! I packed your overnight bag for Zabuza’s!” Itachi interrupted purposely as he walked back down the stairs after carrying up Hidan and Deidara’s things to the master bedroom.

“Huh? Oh! Thank you, babe.”

“Shall we reconvene in the kitchen?” the Uchiha motioned for them to follow. “Hidan, shirt off, please,” he said as he approached the violet-eyed zealot, the man busily eating a package of zebra cakes.

“You looking for a repeat of that night in our cell together--OW!” Hidan yelped as Kisame outstretched his hand and slapped him upside the head with a scowl.

“You’re not cute.”

“Kakuzu thinks I am...” the silver-haired male grumbled as he took off his shirt and popped the last bite of snack cake in his mouth.

“Rosary.”

_“Hell no!”_

“Do you want dye on it? I’d think Jashin would find that a pretty grievous sin, you know...” Itachi said with a lilt of his lips into a smirk.

“Come on, Hidan. I’ll even hold it for you...” Deidara teased.

“You’ll keep your filthy whore mitts off of Jashin!” Hidan growled, taking off his rosary tenderly and placing it on top of his shirt on the table. He plunked down in the chair Kisame had been previously occupying, muttering under his breath all the while as Itachi put on a new pair of black rubber gloves and began running a comb through his locks. 

Kisame rummaged through the fridge and produced a longneck bottle of beer, snapping the cap off with his teeth. 

“Hey, what are you doing having alcohol in the house knowing this one?” Deidara blinked, motioning at Itachi with his thumb.

“No worries. It’s the one thing Itachi absolutely will not touch,” Kisame grinned, taking a sip. 

“I really cannot stand beer at all,” the raven confirmed with a nod.

“Gimme one!” Hidan reached out and wiggled his fingers.

“Uh, _no._ You’re on probation...” 

“You fucking suck, Kisame.”

“You swallow.”

“Hey, fuck you man!”

“If it’d shut you up, sure.”

Hidan responded by sticking out his tongue and making a face at the officer, his cheeks burning. 

“I’m going to put you both in a shirt one day and make you stay in it until you get along,” Itachi grabbed the plastic bowl and dye brush from the drying rack and opened the boxes of developer and hair color, mixing an even ratio and discarding of the leftover.

Deidara mentally pictured Hidan and Kisame’s muscular bodies stuffed into the same t-shirt and forced to stay that way the entire day. “They’re both too big to fit in the same shirt together. If it was you and me on the other hand...” he trailed off, pulling out one of the chairs at the breakfast table, sitting in it so the elegantly carved wood was flush against his chest as he folded his arms across the top rail languidly.

Kisame responded by flexing his muscles proudly, taking a swig of his beer. 

“Sweetheart, can you see what ‘Hada is doing? I don’t want him chewing on the furniture again.”

“I was thinking of taking him with me to Zabuza’s. Haku wants to see him. And this way you won’t have to constantly be worrying about him while you’re trying to have fun.”

“You’re the best, you know that?” Itachi gave him an appreciative smile as he used the thin metal rod of his tail comb to separate Hidan’s strands and apply color to his roots.

“Itachi, you really should go to that beauty school place and learn to do this for serious...” Hidan said with a relaxed sigh.

“See? Even the zealot thinks you should do it!” the islander said pointedly, peering his head around the corner of the archway leading from the living room into the kitchen and looking for Samehada.

The dog was still on the floor chewing away contentedly.

The Uchiha rolled his garnet eyes, but smiled. “Fine. I’ll look into it.”

“Didn’t you tell me you used to do your brother’s hair, too?” Kisame leaned back in his prior position against the granite countertops and nursed his beer, shifting the towel around his shoulders as it began slipping.

“When he was a teenager, yes.”

“He’d be about 18 or 19 now, right?” 

“That’s right, you mentioned you had one, didn’t you? I remember now. It was that night we got drunk together,” Deidara tilted his head in recollection. 

“His name is Sasuke. We haven’t spoken since he was 15, so... it’s been about three years now? He would have just turned 18, yes. His birthday was in July.”

“So what’s the story? Why haven’t you talked, hmm?”

“Deidara--” Kisame began, but was hushed by Itachi holding up a black-gloved hand. 

“I might as well just tell him. We’ve been friends long enough at this point,” he dipped the brush back in the dye and painted over Hidan’s natural light blond with the deep silver color. “I was 16. My brother was 8. My father worked very long hours at our family’s business and didn’t spend much time with us. I ran track in school, and was going to run anchor on the 500 meter at our school’s district championship. I really, really wanted him to be there to see me run it. I all but begged him to leave work early just this once. My team ended up winning the race, and he nor my mother never showed. I find out later it’s because they both were in a car accident. My Dad had been speeding trying to make it, and they were killed in a head-on collision.”

“I remember you telling me that you said it was your fault they were gone... It really doesn’t sound like it to me.”

“In theory, I know the accident itself isn’t my fault. I know that life is basically comprised of choices that we may or may not choose to make. My father made a choice to speed. I made a choice to ask him to be there for me. But my brother? He didn’t get a choice. And that’s what fucks me over. That’s why I feel like it’s all my fault. Because he didn’t ask to be raised by a brother who had no idea what he was doing half of the time. He didn’t ask to not have a Mom and Dad around to be there for his school plays and sports games and junior prom. I was able to have those things. I was just selfish, and now I’m paying for it by being out of his life, and I don’t even blame him for his silence, honestly.”

“You really love your brother, don’t you?” Deidara murmured softly.

“I will always love my brother, even if he doesn’t love me.”

“So... how ‘bout them Saints?” Hidan cut in awkwardly.

“Sorry,” Itachi said with a guilty little smile. “I know family is a touchy subject for you.”

“Family fucking sucks, OK? I have no fucking clue who my parents are, for all I know my Mom could have been a 20-year-old crackhead prostitute and my Dad a 55-year-old cheating scumbag with a wife and 2.5 kids. I don’t need to know! My family is the one I’ve chosen for myself, and that’s you, Babs, Kakuzu, Red, and even you too, 5-0!”

Kisame’s expression gentled at Hidan’s words. “Wow, I’m actually kind of touched, man.”

“You might not like me so well, but I like you well enough. I don’t really hate anybody! ...Well, that’s not true. I hated that Nara kid who did the work program with us. But that’s besides the point! As I was saying, family sucks.”

“You know, Sasori didn’t have parents growing up, either. He was raised by his Granny Chiyo. He’s in Nevada right now seeing her because she says she’s on her deathbed, but from what he’s told me about the old bat, she’s probably fine and just missed him is all, hm. But Hidan is right. Family is what you make it,” Deidara shrugged with a grin.

“Dear, if you like, you can go ahead and go wash that out now,” Itachi nodded at Kisame.

“Yup. Well, as fun as this has been, I got shit to do with my own best friend and his little lady.”

“I’ll tell Haku...”

“He’d just take it as a compliment... Come on, ‘Hada, come upstairs with Daddy...” Kisame whistled as he left the kitchen, Samehada bounding over and being picked up, both of them heading up the stairs for the bathroom.

\--------------------------------------

“So do you think you might want to have kids for real someday?” Deidara said as he bit down on his tongue gingerly in concentration while applying black polish to Itachi’s toes.

“I already raised a kid. I have no intentions of becoming a parent to a human child, and I am very fortunate that Kisame has no desire to have children either,” Itachi replied evenly as he sat on the foot of the bed, his best friend in front of him sitting Indian-style on the floor.

“I think I might want one someday. I haven’t really decided yet honestly, hm.”

“I am never fucking having brats!” Hidan burst out of the bathroom naked, toweling off his freshly-dyed locks.

Neither Deidara or Itachi were affected by his state of undress. At this point in their friendship, both had seen him without a stitch of clothing numerous times. The violet-eyed man rummaged around in the shopping bag of his clothes and took out a pair of plain black sleep pants, putting them on one leg at a time.

“That mark Kakuzu put on you is scarring.”

“Is it really?” Hidan looked over his shoulder excitedly and turned around in an attempt to see the healing knife marks on his lower back, albeit unsuccessfully.

“You would be pleased about such a thing, hm,” the saffron-haired man said with a roll of his eyes as he blew air gently on Itachi’s painted toes, threading the cap back on the bottle of polish.

“Well, duh. You should see Kakuzu when he starts hitting it from behind and then he runs his fingertips over it...” Hidan made an immensely pleased expression and curled his thumb and index finger into a circle in a gesture of approval.

“No, Hidan. We really shouldn’t see that,” Deidara deadpanned. “But unfortunately now I am.”

“Why’s it unfortunate? I make good sex faces, don’t I, Itchy?” Hidan grinned widely, hopping up on the bed next to the raven and leaning in, biting the shell of his ear.

Itachi shuddered openly, much to Hidan’s glee, and the dark-haired man responded with a painful flick to his forehead. “Knock it off, pervert.”

“Ow! Heheheh... you always did like it when I’d bite on your ears. Glad to see that hasn’t changed.”

The Uchiha’s cheeks darkened to crimson. “You just really can’t resist teasing me, can you?”

“Nope! So... what was it like?”

“What was what like, Hidan?”

“Making out with our Babs here.”

Deidara got up from the floor and leapt onto the bed and grabbed a pillow, smothering the silver-haired man violently. “Fucking die, letch, hmm!”

Hidan’s muffled laughter could be heard even as the blond attempted to suffocate him.

“I would do it again if I were inebriated enough...” Itachi admitted with a shrug, a tiny smile curling onto his plush lips.

The teal-eyed male paused and blinked. “Really?”

“I promised Kisame though that next time he would get to watch.”

“Next time?” Deidara’s cheeks pinkened. 

“My loyalties to my fiance and my platonic feelings towards you prevent me from doing it when sober, but I’m not very good at controlling my impulses when I drink, as you well know. I have no future plans to quit consuming alcohol completely, so it is a possibility that it could happen again,” the raven elaborated.

“See? I’m not the only perv here! Your future husband likes to look, too!” Hidan gasped out, moving the pillow from his face and sucking in a deep breath of air.

“You’re just more open about it is all,” Itachi murmured lowly. 

“Everyone should be more open. Now come on, give me _details._ I’m nosy and I love knowing other people’s shit,” the zealot flopped down on his belly and propped his chin up in his palms, giving the two an expectant expression.

Itachi and Deidara both shared a look with each other.

“He won’t shut up unless we tell him something.”

“He won’t shut up regardless, hm.”

The raven shook his head bemusedly. “Deidara’s lips are softer than Kisame’s are. When we kissed I could taste the wine mixing with the ash from his cigarettes, and when he moved his tongue with mine, his piercing sent all these little electric currents throughout my body.”

“That’s hot,” Hidan grinned lecherously.

“It kind of felt like... fireworks. It was meaningful. It wasn’t like just kissing a random stranger in a bar, I felt something when we did it.”

“It probably didn’t hurt that we were having that big drunk heart-to-heart...”

“Haha! Yeah,” Deidara said with a grin as he nervously scratched his scalp. “Anyways, Hidan, make yourself useful,” he tossed the bottle of nail polish at the man, smirking as it hit him square in the forehead.

“FUCK!”

“Paint my toes for me, asshole.”

“Do you both want to order take-out? I’m a little too tired to cook after dealing with Samehada all day.”

“Can we get Chinese?” Hidan unscrewed the cap to the polish and grasped onto Deidara’s foot by the heel, sitting up and crossing his legs and setting it on top of his thigh. “Point your toes, Dei.”

The blond did as asked, watching as Hidan began carefully painting his pinky toe.

“When Itachi said we’d paint our nails and talk about boys, I didn’t really think we’d actually be doing it. This is gay as fuck.”

Deidara opened his mouth to reply but was silenced by his phone buzzing. Taking it out of the pocket of his jeans, his cheeks darkened as his face lit up.

“Red?”

“Yeah, hmm,” he tapped on the screen and read the text from his boyfriend.

_‘I showed Granny a picture of us. She wants to meet you.’_

“His grandma wants to meet me.”

_‘Unfortunately she is also under the impression that you are a very pretty girl.’_

Itachi covered his mouth to muffle his chortle as he read the text over Deidara’s shoulder. “Oh dear.”

\--------------------------------------

“Gimme a bite, hmm.”

Hidan held out a bite of seasoned beef and broccoli in between a pair of chopsticks, the blond leaning in and accepting the proffered nibble. “Good?”

“Oh, I should have got that.”

“Lemme see...” the silver-haired man plucked up a chunk of orange sesame chicken from Deidara’s take-out container and ate it, chewing thoughtfully. “Wanna trade?”

“Sure.”

Itachi furrowed his brows as he struggled with his lo mein noodles. Eventually he let out a noise of irritation and got up from the bed. “I’m going to get a fork. Do you both want one, too?”

“Please,” the two said in unison.

The dark-haired man got to his feet and padded down the hallway and down the stairs.

Hidan took another bite of chicken and extended his leg, wiggling his black-painted toes. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into doing it. I feel ridiculous.”

“Why? It’s just nail polish, hm.”

“I don’t want to give Kakuzu another reason to make more smart-ass comments.”

“You two really don’t seem compatible at all.”

“That’s just it, we’re really not. But you really can’t help who you fall in love with,” Hidan shrugged and picked up the TV remote, switching it on and channel-surfing.

“So you love him?”

“Yeah. I’ve known that for a while though. I know that Kakuzu feels something for me, too, otherwise he wouldn’t have tolerated me for this long. He’d have just fucked me and called it a day. But he keeps coming back, so there must be something about me he likes other than my sweet, sweet ass. What about you? Are you in love with Red?” 

“I am... But I definitely don’t want to say it in case he’s not at that point.”

“What is with you?”

Deidara blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you care so much about doing things at Sasori’s pace? You think I’m tap-dancing on landmines around Kakuzu? Fuck that bullshit. Do what you want, when you want, and say what you feel, even if it’s inconvenient for people. Shit, go fucking call him and tell him how you feel.”

The golden-haired artist opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced by Hidan interjecting.

“I’m fucking serious! You better do it or you’ll wake up in the morning with dicks drawn all over your face!” Hidan picked up the blond’s phone and threw it at him violently.

Deidara nearly dropped his container of takeout when his phone thumped him square in the chest. “Oy!”

“Now FaceTime him or some shit.”

“Hidan?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for always being real with me.”

“Just think of me as your personal fucking cheerleader.”

Deidara smiled at him and got up off of Itachi’s bed, setting down the container of beef and broccoli with jasmine rice and he took his phone with him into the master bath, closing the door behind himself. He sat down on the ledge of the large bathtub and tapped on the screen, pulling up Sasori’s number and FaceTiming him. 

His phone rang three times and then Sasori answered. 

When the redhead’s image appeared on the camera, Sasori was walking outside of a small house, a cigarette in between his lips. His reflection was illuminated by a yellow porch light. 

_“Hey, baby.”_

“Are you in the middle of the freaking desert?”

_“Kind of looks that way, doesn’t it? Granny lives on the outskirts of Vegas.”_

_“Sasoriiii... are you talking to your girlfriend?”_ an elderly voice called out.

_“Yes Granny, I’m talking to my boyfriend. I’ll be in in a minute!”_ Sasori rolled his deep brown eyes and looked back at the screen. _“She’s fucking senile, I swear it. The woman knows I’m queerer than a three-eyed jack but she insists you’re much too pretty to be a boy.”_

“She’s not on her deathbed at all, is she?”

_“Hell no. She’s still as spry and lively as ever.”_

“I miss you.”

Sasori’s face softened, and the man took a quick drag off his cigarette, exhaling smoke from his nose. _“I miss you too. It’s only for another week, though. You’ll be the first person I see when I get back.”_

“There’s something I need to tell you, though. And it really can’t wait for another week.”

_“Did you sleep with Hidan?”_

“Ha ha, very funny. I’m being serious, you know.”

_“I was too.”_

“I’m not going to sleep with Hidan! God, Sasori, I’m trying to tell you I love you!” Deidara’s cheeks turned a brilliant shade of red as he said the words aloud, and his bottom lip stuck out in a pout.

_“...You remember when we were in my car together on my last day? How I told you I couldn’t say what I wanted to just yet?”_

“Yeah... what about it?”

_“I wanted to tell you that I loved you that day. But I didn’t want to scare you off since we’ve only been together for a little over two months.”_

“You wouldn’t have scared me off...”

_“I’m glad I can say it now without hesitation. I love you, brat.”_

Deidara let out a soft noise, and hid his face behind his hand, his cheeks flushed darkly and his lips split into a happy grin.

_“Even if you are a post-modernist hack.”_

“I’m not post-modernist! You freaking jerk!” the blond yelled, his expression morphing to one of outright irritation.

Sasori smirked smugly and snuffed out his cigarette on the side paneling of the old house. _“I call it how I see it.”_

“You are such an asshole.”

_“But you love me anyways, don’t you?”_

“Yes. I really do.”

_“I’m going to paint you when I get back. Are you able to sit still for a good while without moving?”_

The younger man flushed darkly, his eyes widening. “Sasori, what the hell are you painting me for?”

_“Every good artist has a painting they’ve done of their muse. I will not be the exception.”_

“....Muse?!”

_“I find myself more often than not thinking of you whenever I do art nowadays. Whether that is a positive or negative thing, I’ve not yet decided. But it’s definitely not been unpleasant.”_

Sasori took out another cigarette from his pack and lit it on the screen.

“You chainsmoke when you get nervous.”

_“You’ve noticed that, have you? I’m not always comfortable talking about feelings.”_

“I’m glad that you’re sharing them with me though.”

_“I promised myself that I’d try to be less reserved and more open with you. You deserve that if we’re going to make this work.”_

“I really do love you, you old jerk.”

_“And I love you, you dumb young punk.”_

Deidara let out a contented sigh and scratched his cheekbone, shifting his weight on the ledge of the bathtub. “Kisame and Itachi are getting married.”

_“Oh?”_

“Yeah. And they got a dog, too.”

_“Well now. Give Itachi my congratulations.”_

The saffron-haired sculptor opened his mouth to reply but blinked as the camera was jerked violently. A large brown iris stared back at him.

_“Granny, what the hell--!”_

_“I have no idea how any of this technology works... can she see me?”_

“Uh... hi Granny...” Deidara waved awkwardly.

_“Oh, she really is so pretty. Now dear, you come up next time too when Sasori comes to visit!”_

The camera began shaking again violently, and then Sasori’s face appeared back on the screen.

_“Jesus. I’m sorry about that. I’m going to go ahead and let you go, babe. I’ll see you in a week. Text me.”_

“I will. Have fun with Granny, Sasori.”

_“I’ll try.”_

The redhead blew him a kiss and then their FaceTime call was disconnected.

Deidara let out a happy sigh and darkened the screen of his phone. He got up from the bathtub and padded over to the door. He opened it, and let out a noise as Itachi and Hidan came tumbling down on top of each other, the raven holding a glass in his hand. “Are you for fucking real?”

“It was completely and totally Hidan’s idea,” Itachi said pointedly, shoving the silver-haired man off of his person and slowly getting to his feet. 

“Fuck you, you wanted to do it just as much as I did!”

“You both are fucking nosy, hm,” Deidara rolled his eyes and stepped on Hidan’s back as he walked over his body.

“OY!”

“I get to pick the movie, hmm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Yes I know I am too hard on myself don't judge me! ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I wrote more porn! Yay me. Yay for DeiSaso! Yes, that’s in the right order, at least for this chapter lul \ (•◡•) /  
> Funfact: my headcanons for irl Sasori and Deidara are Gerard Way with red hair and Andreja Pejic pre-transition. I found a photoset of them both together on tumblr and I foamed at the mouth bc FITE ME THEY ARE PERFECT AND GIVE ME DELICIOUS INSPIRATION.  
> I wrote while listening to 'Tear You Apart' by She Wants Revenge on repeat. Good stuff.  
> OK I’ll shut up now and let you read... <3

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Fourteen_

“So how long do I have to sit still for?”

“As long as I need you to until I get the basic forms painted,” Sasori replied, using his fingers to tousle Deidara’s loose long blond mane artfully until he was satisfied with its appearance. “Try not to move your head as much. Just smoke and look gorgeous. That shouldn’t be too difficult a task for you, yes?”

“You flatter me,” Deidara grinned, sitting shirtless on a bar stool in tight-fitting jeans, a cigarette loosely dangling in between his index finger and middle.

“I’m gonna start doing the sketch. You sure you don’t need anything? This could take a while.”

“Sasori! I’m fine! Just paint my damn portrait, you ass!” 

“As you wish,” Sasori replied with a mocking bow and flourish of his hand as he walked over and sat down in front of a large canvas, a well-used paint palette sitting next to him on a small folding table along with tubes of oil paint and a mason jar of turpentine. He picked up a graphite pencil and began sketching, his arm and hand moving in flowing motions as he drew.

“So serious...” Deidara teased with a smile.

“If it comes out good enough I’m thinking of putting it in my next show.”

“You should take me with you to one.”

“I planned on it. Are you free Saturday?”

“For you, hell yes I am, hm.”

“If you like you can still stay the weekend with me, but you’ll be by yourself for a few hours Sunday.”

“Are you even any decent at playing cards?”

“You’ll just have to find out,” Sasori said with a wiggle of his brows.

“They’re going to take all your cash, I can see it now..”

“Ye of little faith. I’m good for it anyways if that is how it turns out. I sold that piece with the tiger lillies that I showed you when we first started talking.”

“Oh? How much?”

“Five-hundred.”

“You got five hundred dollars off that tiny thing?”

“What can I say? I’m just that good.”

“What’s the most you’ve ever sold something for?” the blond inquired curiously.

“Just shy of four thousand. The canvas was taller than I was. I had to use a stepladder to paint and I had to rent a space to complete it in, so I was being compensated appropriately considering all the effort I had to go to.”

“You really are pretty good at doing this, aren’t you?”

“I’d say I’m pretty successful, yes. But it’s only because I haven’t been complacent and waited for opportunities to come to me. I went out and made them happen for myself. You’re a post-modernist hack sculptor, but you’re a _decent_ post-modernist hack sculptor. Start putting your stuff in shows. Get your name out there more. Your dumb fireworks and explosions, though? Can't help you there.”

Deidara took a hit off his cigarette and exhaled the smoke slowly in wispy white tendrils from his lips. It was probably the closest he’d ever get to hearing Sasori say his art wasn’t abysmal, though of course it was thinly veiled behind an insult. Typical.

“Lift your chin a little.”

The blond did as instructed, blinking his teal eyes slowly.

Sasori continued sketching, but paused with a frown. “It’s missing something. It’s not quite the expression I want from you...”

“Huh?”

“I want you to look like some kind of otherworldly lustful creature in this piece. But I know that I’ll need to inspire you a little bit in order to get that kind of expression from you. So just don’t move from how I’ve positioned you, and just go with what I’m about to do. It’s for the purpose of art,” the redhead got up from his stool and walked over to the blond, smoothing a lock of hair out of his face. He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to the shell of the sculptor’s ear and began whispering sensually to him.

Deidara’s breathing hitched as Sasori murmured erotic imagery into his ear. He shifted slightly in discomfort as his already-tight jeans became tighter. His eyes closed and he bit on his bottom lip as the painter’s words brought back the evocative whirlwind of memories of what it was like to be intimate with him.

“...Keep them open. I want to see those beautiful eyes that I feel like I could drown in every time they look my way. I want to feel all the air leave my lungs as I slip under the surface of them. Now look at me.”

The blond sculptor opened his eyes, their color darkened with desire. He sucked in a deep breath as his arousal pressed insistently against the denim of his jeans.

“There. That’s how I want you... just like that. Keep biting down on your lip that way,” Sasori backtracked to his canvas and picked up the pencil, his deep sepia eyes transfixed on the lustful way Deidara regarded him.

“Sasori... You’re a big fucking tease.”

“Doesn’t feel too good, does it?” the redhead said with a little smirk as he finished his composite sketch and began unthreading the caps off the tubes of oil paints and squeezing minute amounts on his palette. He started off with a burnt sienna to paint out all the different values in the sketch and thinned it out with turpentine, the smell of the solvent making him wrinkle his nose.

“That turpentine smells awful,” Deidara brought his cigarette to his lips, only to blink at the long line of circular ash that had gathered at the tip and snuffed it out. He shrugged and set the filter off to the side for disposal later and resumed his prior position the way his boyfriend had instructed him.

“I could have done it in acrylic, but I really wanted to do this properly. Oil paints have more pigment in them, and sometimes with acrylic it will dry a shade darker than what you originally painted... I wanted this as vibrant and alive as you are.”

“I understand now why you opened the windows, hm.”

“Keep looking at me like that. Remember what I whispered in your ear.”

So that’s how it was going to be. Two could play at that game.

“You should talk dirty to me more often. It turns me on, hm,” Deidara said with suggestive tone.

“Oh?”

“It also turns me on when you kiss me like you own me. It gets me really hot. And when you bite on my lip and tug on it? I melt.”

“You’re my boyfriend. You _do_ belong to me. And I you.”

“You can say that all you like but it would really have more impact if you came over here and showed me instead...”

Sasori set down his paintbrush with a sigh. Deidara really had to say such things now of all times? He was trying to concentrate. And did he have to look so sexy when saying that? The redhead ruffled his hair and got up from his stool and approached his boyfriend with a blank expression. He bore his sepia eyes into Deidara’s darkened aegean for a poignant moment, and then he reached out and threaded his hand loosely through soft cornsilk locks, suddenly tightening his grip and tugging hard enough to expose Deidara’s throat, which he dragged his tongue against languidly with a satisfied smirk. “I fucking own you. I own these lips,” he kissed the younger artist possessively. “I own this perfect, fat ass,” he dipped his hand inside the hem of his jeans and groped a cheek. “I own that pretty cock of yours. Your entire body is mine to do with as I see fit, when I see fit to do so. And don’t you ever forget it...” he released his hold on the younger artist’s hair and resumed his stoic expression as if he’d never said such lustful things at all. “...Now _sit still_ and stop teasing me. You’re distracting me on purpose.”

Deidara let out a happy sigh and watched as Sasori walked away from him again and sat back down in front of his canvas. He tilted his chin up and moved his arms in the position Sasori had put them in, and sat still for his lover as his portrait was painted, feeling satisfied that the sexual tension between them was weakening Sasori’s resolve to stay on task.

He just needed another good push. Just one more little comment, but it had to be a good one.

“Sasori... I’m going to fuck you in the ass,” the blond said nonchalantly, examining his black-painted fingernails. He gave the redhead that same smoldering look the other had wanted of him and issued him a sinful little smile. 

The paintbrush in Sasori’s hands clattered loudly to the hardwood flooring. The artist peered around the canvas, his eyes dark and full of lust. “You just can’t behave, can you? I suppose I only have myself to blame for it, though. Fine, then. You want to fuck, let’s fuck.”

Fireworks went off inside the blond’s head. Immediately getting up from the bar stool, he rushed the older artist and roughly crushed his lips against his, Sasori letting out a groan and parting his lips. His mouth was invaded by Deidara’s pierced tongue, and he felt his pulse spike as their liplock deepened. 

Deidara grasped onto the hem of Sasori’s shirt and broke their kiss to divest him of it, immediately latching his mouth onto his boyfriend’s throat and kissing and nipping at pale skin. Sasori’s eyes fluttered closed and he tilted his head back to allow the younger man better access, his palms bracing on Deidara’s bare chest.

The crimson-haired painter wrapped his legs around his lover’s slim waist, Deidara’s hands immediately settling on his ass and squeezing outright. With a little effort, he was able to lift Sasori up in his arms and he attempted to carefully walk up the stairs with him, but the task was a bit more difficult with his significant other engaging him in another liplock.

“Careful!” Sasori chided him as Deidara ran into the stairwell wall.

“You’re heavy! And you keep distracting me!”

“Yeah, it sucks to be distracted doesn’t it?! And I am not heavy, you’re just a string bean!”

“Pay for my gym membership and I’ll go lift weights!”

“If I wanted a muscle-headed moron I’d have went after Hidan instead of you!”

Deidara managed to make it to the top of the stairs with Sasori without exerting too much effort or straining. He kicked open the bedroom door and immediately deposited the redhead on the sheets, crawling on top of him and kissing him soundly, Sasori hitching a leg around his waist in an effort to draw him in closer. 

“Don’t--” he peppered kisses all down Sasori’s chest, “--talk about my best friend when I’m--” Deidara fumbled with the button on the redhead’s jeans, “--about to fuck the hell out of you!”

“Nnh... point taken... shit... You don’t have to be so hasty--” Sasori bit down on his lip and let out a groan as he was silenced with a bite over his scorpion tattoo. 

“It’s your fault. You got me all hot saying those terrible, sexy things, hmm!” Deidara licked the bite mark he left over red ink and shifted his body back upwards, resuming busying himself with divesting Sasori of his clothing.

Lidding his deep brown eyes as his lover unzipped his jeans, Sasori sat up and laced his fingers through blond locks and tugged, pulling Deidara down and pressing his lips to his ear and whispering, “I’ll say all of that and more. Do you want me to tell you all about how hot _you_ make _me?”_

“You know I do.”

Sasori bit down on the blond’s earlobe teasingly. “Some days I can barely fucking paint or carve, because all I see is your pretty little brat face in my mind. I see your smile, the way your eyes sparkle. I remember your juvenile little tongue piercing and how good it feels running up the length of my cock. The way you smirk at me when you make me moan your name. You don’t even realize how sexy you are, do you?” he smoothed the younger artist’s bangs out of his face and continued, “I remember what it’s like to be buried deep inside of you. To feel you deep inside of me. That all-consuming, insurmountable fire... How breathless it makes me, and it’s all because of you. You make me want to live forever, that way I can spend my eternity being made love to by you, making it to you...”

Deidara’s breathing hitched audibly as Sasori’s words met his ears. His eyes widened and he felt his heart throb painfully in his chest. “You... you really are an artist. Not just because of the things you paint, but it’s the way you speak to me. Your words... all I can think of is that it’s art, because... nobody has ever said the things you say to me in the entirety of my life, hm.”

“And nobody else ever will, if I have things my way,” Sasori used the leverage he had in his grip on blond locks to bring Deidara in close, their lips meeting in a smoldering kiss that sent pulses and synapses racing all throughout the younger man’s body. 

Their tongues engaged in a fierce war for dominance, no clear victor between them until Sasori relented with a soft moan, his body relaxing as Deidara ran his palms down his shoulders and trailed them to his forearms and over the tops of his hands, lacing their fingers together and squeezing gently, the redhead tilting his head back as the teal-eyed male pressed soft peck after peck to his jawline. 

Deidara unlaced their fingers and began kissing and nipping down the column of Sasori’s throat, his shoulders, and down his chest, pushing the redhead flat against the mattress with his now-free hand and using the other to divest him of his jeans and boxer-briefs, yanking them down his thighs and past his knees to remove them from his lightly-muscled legs all-together. Leaving Sasori fully exposed to his selfish gaze, the golden-haired sculptor planted open-mouthed kisses and nips to his lower belly, dragging his tongue over red tattoo ink languidly.

Sasori ran his fingers through long strands lazily, giving the younger an expectant expression, which Deidara returned with a smirk as he began pumping the older artist at the base of his hardening cock with a firm grip, teeth nipping at his prominent hip bones.

“I don’t like it when you tease me.”

“I know, hm. But I’m gonna do it anyways...”

“Stop being a brat and hurry up and wrap those pretty lips around my dick already.”

“Now who’s being hasty...?”

Opening his mouth to retort, Sasori’s words were cut short by the blond engulfing his arousal. The 35-year-old choked back a groan as he felt the slide of cold metal against the heat of his cock and the slickness of his lover’s tongue caressing his turgid length. “Fuck...” he breathed out, tightening his grasp on cornsilk strands and resisting the urge to thrust into the wet warmth of Deidara’s mouth.

Mimicking Sasori whenever the redhead went down on him, Deidara placed his hands atop the older man’s hips to still his movement, smirking around the hard flesh in his mouth as he lidded his lust-darkened teal eyes and began bobbing his head, the taste of slight bitter salt and skin on his tongue driving him.

The painter brought his free hand up to his lips and bit down on the knuckle of his index finger, eyes slipping shut as he enjoyed the sensation of the slight pressure of his boyfriend’s tongue jewelry pressing against the underside of his member. “Shit...” Sasori bit down on his lip as Deidara began swirling his tongue around the head of his cock, the action eliciting a low groan from deep in his throat. 

Spurned on by the noises Sasori was making, Deidara languidly dragged his tongue slowly up the length of the other artist’s hardness, feeling satisfied at the reactions he was eliciting. Relaxing his throat muscles, the blond took Sasori fully back into his mouth, deepthroating him with practiced ease. He furrowed his brows as his lips were stretched widely to accommodate all of the other man’s girth, the pleasurable strain on his facial muscles making his own cock throb in its confines in his jeans.

Pausing in his movements, he pulled away to unzip and unbutton the offending clothing, pushing the denim and cotton of his boxer-briefs down to his thighs, curling a slim-fingered hand around his cock and pumping himself to full hardness as he resumed blowing his boyfriend, hollowing his cheeks and breathing out through his nose in audible exhalations, his airway slightly obstructed by his septum piercing.

Moving his hand from saffron locks, Sasori tilted his head to the side and buried his face in the sheets, fingers grasping and gripping the fabric until his knuckles turned white. “Fuck... _fuck...”_

The older artist arched his back when Deidara pulled back to lift up his right leg, dragging another teasing lick along his cock before darting his wicked tongue along his puckered entrance in languid swipes, the stimulation making Sasori tighten in response. Smirking at the reaction, Deidara pressed his tongue against the older man’s entrance and traced the dusky skin with the tip in lazy circular motions. “I can think of something you’d probably like in you much better than my tongue...” he rasped out. 

Sasori opened one eye, his sepia irises dark with desire as he nodded his assent. 

“Do we still have lube left or...?”

“I think... there’s enough... probably should get another bottle though...”

“We do it a lot, don’t we, hm?” Deidara said with a grin as he sat up and fumbled around in the nightstand for the small bottle.

“Like you’re complaining.”

“Not one fucking bit, hm.”

Deidara frowned as he continued feeling around for the cylindrical container of lube. “It’s not still under your pillow from the last time we did it, is it?” he asked, closing the drawer.

Sasori blinked and ducked his hand under his pillow. “Oh. My bad...” he handed the lubricant over to the blond. 

“Yeah, there’s only just enough...” the sculptor flipped the bottle upside down and shook it violently, snapping open the cap and squeezing hard, droplets of the slippery liquid seeping out slowly. He slicked up two of his fingers and his cock with the minute amount of water-based lube that was left and tossed the now-empty bottle, it sailing into the nearby wastebasket on Sasori’s side of the bed. “Yes!”

Sasori rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to make a snarky comment, but was silenced by Deidara delving between his splayed thighs and pressing his index finger to his entrance. His breathing hitched as his body was breached, and he instinctively tightened up.

“Relax for me, babe.”

“Ah, sorry...”

When he no longer felt resistance, Deidara finished inserting the first finger, giving Sasori time to adjust before he started moving it in wide circular motions. 

“No matter how many times I’ve done this, it always feels strange during this part...”

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it...?”

“It can’t really be helped though...”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure it feels good for you,” Deidara pressed a soft kiss to Sasori’s temple.

“I’m not worried about that in the slightest... you know what you’re doing.”

The blond let out a soft laugh and waited until Sasori stopped tensing up to press the pad of his middle finger against his hole, gently pushing in past the tight ring of muscles until it was seated to the knuckle. The redhead’s brows furrowed and he went slack-jawed at the intrusion, but he didn’t appear to be in any visible discomfort, so Deidara began scissoring his fingers, gingerly sliding them in and out of his canal and angling them. 

“Ah! Fuck... _there...!”_ the redhead gasped out as Deidara’s fingertips nudged the bundle of nerves deep within his person. 

Stroking that same spot over and over until Sasori began unraveling, the teal-eyed artist withdrew his fingers slowly and removed his jeans and underwear, tossing them over the side of the bed. Positioning one of the crimson-haired painter’s leanly muscled legs over his shoulder, he guided the head of his cock towards his entrance. “You ready?”

“I’ve _been_ ready.”

Rolling his eyes but smiling, Deidara eased his length inside of Sasori’s pliant body, not stopping until he was fully sheathed in the older man. He searched the other’s expression for any pain but saw none. 

“You’re fine. Move...” Sasori murmured lowly as if reading his thoughts.

Deidara pressed a kiss to Sasori’s calf muscle and leaned in, capturing the other artist’s lips with his own as he began thrusting his hips slowly at first, progressively picking up speed.

Lids closed over sepia eyes as Sasori’s breathing started coming out in labored pants peppered with low moans.

“Uh-uh... keep them open... I want you to see just who’s fucking your sweet ass right now...”

Sasori’s jaw went lax as he uttered a loud groan, his eyes fluttering open but then immediately shutting again as Deidara pistoned his hips, his cock driving in and out of the crimson-haired man’s body wetly. 

“Fuck... _fuhhh..._ hnn...”

“That good, huh?”

“Don’t... let it go... to your head... _hahh...”_

“Too late...” the blond said in a sing-song tone as his own breathing became tense and labored. Sasori was all tight wet heat around him and he felt unbelievable. 

Moving the redhead’s other leg to his shoulder as well, Deidara took advantage of their position to lean in and press a rough kiss to Sasori’s lips as he jerked his hips erratically, cock sinking in and out of the older man’s pliant and willing body with ease. As he moved to pull back from the liplock, Sasori tugged on his bottom lip with his teeth teasingly just the way he knew the blond liked, the action eliciting a deep shudder from Deidara and a hard thrust.

“Fucking tease...”

“You love it... mmm...”

“There’s something else I love that I want to see you do...”

Sasori smirked lazily and moved his legs from atop Deidara’s shoulders, already knowing what it was he wanted.

Shifting his weight and easing the other man into a sitting position, Deidara moved so Sasori was in his lap, the painter bracing his palms against his shoulders and using them for leverage as he began riding the younger’s cock.

“Yeah, just like that... Fuck... you look way too good doing this...” Deidara planted kiss after kiss down Sasori’s throat and collarbone, latching his mouth onto pronounced bone and sucking wetly, leaving a visible red mark and nipping at it with his teeth.

In a surprising show of reserved strength upon feeling the pleasurable sting of being bitten, Sasori forced Deidara’s back down to the mattress roughly and he used his momentum to ride the slick length driving in and out of his body hard and fast. A deep flush creeped from Sasori’s cheekbones down to his collarbone, stark against his alabaster skin as he bounced.

“Power bottom...” 

“Don’t you... fucking... forget it... _nnnh...”_

Sasori tossed his head back with a moan as Deidara began making upward thrusts, their tandem movements driving his cock deeper in his ass. Angling his body as he descended, the older artist tensed as he hit his prostate, the sensation causing a tightening feeling in his groin and lower belly.

“Right there, babe...?”

The redhead nodded, clenching his teeth as Deidara tightly grasped his hips and began jackhammering his dick in and out of his orifice harshly, purposely aiming to hit his sweet spot. “Fuck!! That’s... _don’t... stop..._ fuck...!”

“Yeah...?”

He gave a particularly harsh thrust that made the redhead’s vision go white, and Sasori came undone as pleasure wracked throughout his body, slick and glistening with sweat.

“Fuckmefuckmefuckme _FUCKME.”_

“Oh I’m _gonna_ fuck you...”

“Hnnnh...! _Fuck..._ fuck... _FUCK..!!”_

Sasori’s moans and gasps came on in an unabashed fashion as he was fucked hard, no longer able to keep up with the frantic upward pistons of Deidara’s hips.

“So fucking... tight... I’ll... nnn... never get tired of burying my cock in your ass...”

Deidara groaned openly and moved a hand from Sasori’s hip and curled his fingers around his lover’s dripping cock, pumping it hard and smearing pre-cum with the pad of his thumb as he jerked him off, his thrusts wild but purposeful in their intent. “Come on, baby... let me see you cum...!” he rasped out, feeling himself teetering on the edge of his own orgasm as Sasori tightened around him. 

The dual stimuli of his erection and prostate was too much.

The dark-eyed artist felt all the muscles in his lower half tense tightly, and with a loud shout of the blond’s name, his release hit him hard, like an anvil being dropped from a skyscraper. Tossing his head back and moaning, hot spurts of cum erupted from his cock to paint Deidara’s chest and belly. Tightening around the hard dick still pistoning in and out of his spent body, Sasori let out a soft noise as he felt his lover stiffen underneath him, and drive his arousal home with a harsh thrust as he too found his climax, spilling his load deep inside of Sasori’s well-fucked asshole. 

Sasori leaned down and licked up the droplets of viscous bodily fluid and captured the younger man’s lips in a kiss, mingling the bitter and salty taste of his cum with their saliva as their tongues danced. Pulling back with a satisfied look, he pressed another peck to Deidara’s dampened forehead with a smile.

“Fuck... oh my god...”

Sasori could only nod in agreement as his shoulders bowed. He tiredly rolled off of Deidara and sucked deep breaths into his lungs, chest heaving and cheeks flushed as his back pressed flat against the mattress, sheets in disarray and stained with the aftermath of their activities. He ran a hand through his sweaty red locks and groaned as he sat up slowly. “...You gonna lay there for a bit?”

“Yeah...”

“I’m gonna shower and go back downstairs and work on the painting before the whole apartment smells like turpentine...”

“You need me to sit for you again...?”

Sasori shook his head no as he got up from the bed with a soft smile. “I think the look I wanted has been ingrained upon my memory quite well now...” 

“Good... I wouldn’t have been able to sit still for as long as what you needed me to anyways...”

“I know...”

The crimson-haired artist walked into the adjoining bathroom and turned the water in the shower on, setting the temperature to hot despite his heated skin. Looking at his reflection in the mirror as he waited for the water to warm, he regarded the visible mark on his collarbone with a smirk. Deidara always had to leave an afterthought behind. He didn’t mind, however. 

Stepping into the stall and shutting the glass door, water sluiced over his aching body, washing away all physical evidence of his activities with the blond sculptor. Pressing his back to the tiling, he slowly sunk down, drawing his knees lazily towards his chest as he let the spray of the shower rain down on his form. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, sitting there as water dripped from his darkened red hair, drops trailing down in serpentine patterns along his pale skin.

Steam enclosed the space and the bathroom quickly became humid, condensation forming on the tile of the shower stall. Sasori lifted a finger and began drawing a perfect artistic rendering of one of his lover’s many sculptures on the glass panel of the shower door. When he finished, he smeared it with the palm of his hand with a smile and got back to his feet carefully. 

The scent of Old Spice assaulted his senses as he washed his hair and body, suds spiraling down the drain as he stood under the hot stream. Once he was clean did he cut the spray of water, stepping out from the stall and onto the bathmat. He shook his red strands wildly and fumbled through the linen closet for a towel, rubbing it into his hair and all along his form to absorb the moisture.

Using his palm again, he smeared the condensation from the bathroom mirror and looked at his reflection, picking up his hairbrush and running it through his strands. Leaving his towel on the bathroom floor, he lazily strode over to his dresser and took out a pair of deep green polyester sleep pants, putting them on one leg at a time. 

Deidara had closed his eyes at some point while he was showering, and the blond’s breathing was even and steady. Going over to the side of the bed he was asleep on, Sasori brought the comforter up around his naked body and tucked him in, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He slowly walked down the stairs, recoiling at the overwhelming pine scent of the turpentine. He’d wished he hadn’t been so hasty to just go off and leave the jar open. Sighing and screwing it closed until he was ready to use it again, he took his pack of kretek cigarettes and lighter off the coffee table and walked towards his front door, stepping out onto the patio space and shutting the door to the apartment behind himself.

Taking out a cigarette between his lips, he lit it with a flick of his lighter and inhaled the nicotine deeply, the taste of spicy cloves and tobacco heavy on his tongue along with salt and tang. He leaned against the railing and looked out at the sky, the sun a bright ball as it crept closer to earth. The sky was shades of purple and orange and blended together beautifully to form a gorgeous sunset. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d stopped to simply enjoy the sun setting before his eyes.  
Leaning against the metal railing of his balcony, he tapped his cigarette of ash and brought it back to his lips, taking another deep drag and exhaling. 

He closed his deep brown eyes and sighed as a soft breeze wafted through his damp red locks, goosebumps pilling on his forearms. Shivering slightly, he quickly finished his cigarette and smashed out the filter, tossing it carelessly over the railing and walking back inside, the front door shut and locked behind him.

He resumed his location in front of his canvas and picked up his paintbrush from the floor, nonplussed by the burnt sienna paint staining the hardwood flooring. He opened the jar of turpentine back up and started painting from memory in flowing brush strokes.

\--------------------------------------

Deidara slowly walked down the staircase, wearing one of Sasori’s button-ups, the clothing loose on his lithe frame and hanging off his shoulder. His hair was loose and damp from showering. He yawned and regarded his boyfriend, Sasori sitting in front of the canvas still working.

The painter had a small detail brush in his hand, and a larger flat bristle paintbrush was clenched in between his teeth as he moved his arms in precise motions.

The blond paused on the ledge of the last step and watched the redhead with a smile. Sasori always looked so handsome when he was creating art, especially with the way his brows furrowed in concentration like they were doing now when he was really zoned in on painting.

Walking down the stairs the rest of the way, he approached Sasori and leaned in, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m going to get a glass of wine. You want one, hm?”

Sasori nodded his assent, moving the brush from his mouth. “White,” he said, placing the wooden handle back in between his teeth.

Deidara walked into the kitchen and felt around on the top of Sasori’s refrigerator for the unopened chardonnay he knew was there. He moved aside other bottles of liquor of varying types and grabbed the green glass bottle by the neck as he stood on the tips of his painted toes.

In the week Sasori had been in Nevada, Deidara had already visited Konan again for his September appointment with her, so he was not worried about alcohol showing up in his system on a UA. “You don’t have to see your CSO anytime soon, do you?” he yelled into the living area as he uncorked the bottle.

_“Nope!”_

He got two wine glasses from the above-head cupboard and closed it, setting the stemmed crystal down on their flared bases and pouring to about midway the light gold-colored wine. Setting the bottle to the side, he picked up both glasses, one in each hand, and walked back into the living space, handing one to Sasori and taking a sip from his own. His teal eyes finally settled on the painting and he choked on his wine.

“That’s some reaction there, brat...” Sasori said amusedly as he signed his name on the portrait in velvet script.

“It’s... oh my god...”

The painting featured him sitting on the bar stool in a relaxed stance as he smoked, wispy white clouds of smoke surrounding his body in tendrils as he regarded the onlooker with a lustful stare and a sexy smile.

“Looks just fucking like you, too,” Sasori said smugly, patting himself on the back and taking a hearty swig from his glass of wine.

Deidara just stared at the portrait.

“Say something.”

“I’m sorry, I just... it’s so beautiful...” the taller blond turned away and covered his face with his hand as he felt his heart beat fast. 

“Hey...” Sasori stood up and moved the sculptor back to face him. _“You’re_ so beautiful. You know that? I know you don’t think it sometimes, but you really are.”

“Is this what you see when you look at me, hm?”

“All the time. And you wonder why I get so jealous when people look at you when we’re together.”

“I guess I can understand it now a little bit better...” Deidara admitted, his cheeks red as a pleased smile crept onto his full lips.

Sasori leaned in and closed the distance between them, kissing him deeply.

“I love you, old man.”

The redhead smirked. “I love you, dumb brat. You want to get drunk and watch Casablanca?”

“Sounds like a party...”

“You have no idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a tumblr if you'd like to come stalk me. :) shes-a-libertine.tumblr.com  
> I'm going to a poker game tonight just for research for this fic for the next chapter lmfao. How lame am I?


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yes! I finally get a chapter where I get to write more of Kakuzu’s grumpy ass. Halleloo!  
> Also, please note I am not a professional poker player in the slightest. In fact, gambling is outright illegal in my state. So I’m going on my limited knowledge from watching others play. There may be inaccuracies but I hope it will not take away any from this.  
> I'm not completely satisfied with how this update turned out but I will probably go back and tweak it at a later date. I'll put up a post on tumblr notifying of the changes when I can make them happen.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Fifteen_

“Check this out.”

Sasori held out a piece of paper to Deidara with a smug expression.

Teal eyes scanned the document, and the blond’s jaw dropped. “...You’re getting early probation termination?”

“I’ve been on it for seven months out of ten already. I’ve never pissed a dirty UA, and I had my entire balance paid off by my second visit. My CSO was just waiting for an opening in the work program to come through so I could get these community service hours out of the way. I think it was always his intention to let me off early.”

“I’m super fucking jealous, hm.”

“I know you’re jealous. I can imbibe in any substance I want to without hesitation and you can’t,” the redhead stuck out his tongue in a juvenile fashion, earning a choice finger in response from his boyfriend. “You still going out tonight?”

“Yeah. Itachi and I are going to the movies while you’re playing cards. Hidan had to work a double today so he can’t join us, unfortunately... When do you get off paper officially?” Deidara handed the letter back to Sasori and looked at him expectantly from his position on the doe-eyed man’s bed.

“Two weeks.”

“You didn’t really get to enjoy being high for your first time, did you...?” Deidara leered, cogs and wheels in his brain turning.

“Deidara, no. _No way.”_

“You don’t have a choice...” the sculptor said with a grin, picking up his phone and sending a text.

“Who are you texting?”

“My dealer... kid is a complete idiot, but he has good stuff.”

“I don’t understand. Why would you try to get me to smoke again when you can’t participate?” Sasori frowned.

“Because it’s a lot of fun to watch first-timers make idiots of themselves...” Deidara replied as if the answer were completely obvious.

Ruffling his crimson locks, the painter shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t understand your line of reasoning, but... if it will make you happy, then I suppose I can try it one more time. But I’m definitely not leaving the apartment for any reason.”

“I promise I’ll keep you safe, hm.”

“That’s not very reassuring.”

Sticking out his pierced tongue, Deidara buried his face back in his phone with a wry smirk, thumbs dancing across the screen as he typed.

“Hey, I’m going to go ahead and head out.”

“Go have fun, babe.”

Sasori leaned in and planted a kiss to Deidara’s cheek and walked down the stairs, putting on his shoes left by the front door and gathering his cigarettes, wallet, and car keys. He locked the door behind himself to his apartment and took the stairs two at a time, walking across the lot to his assigned parking space and unlocking the Jaguar with a press of the car remote. 

Sliding into the driver’s seat and shutting the door, he buckled in and rolled down the window, lighting a clove cigarette and inhaling deeply. It hung loosely from his lips as he stuck his keys in the ignition and shifted into reverse. The redhead looked into his rearview mirror and easily pulled out from his parking spot, throwing the car into drive and speeding off towards the exit gate.

While he waited for the automatically timed gate to open, he began typing the address for the bar he was meeting Kisame and Kakuzu at, some hole in the wall dive with a back room.

It was in the city’s international district, which wasn’t too far away. Flicking his blinker, he waited for the oncoming cars to pass as he drove past the opened gate, and he fluidly steered onto the main road with one hand, the other tapping the ash from his cigarette on the side of the window. Placing it back between his lips, he turned on his radio and began surfing through the airwaves until he came across a Black Sabbath song that he remembered from his younger days.

Nodding his head along to the heavy metal beat, he mouthed the lyrics and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove towards the bar.

\--------------------------------------

“Four of a kind.”

Kisame threw his hands up in the air. “What the fuck, Kakuzu.”

“It’s amusing to watch you keep trying to best me...” Kakuzu leaned over and took the wad of money from the middle of the table and began counting it with a smirk.

They were not the only group in the back of the bar. There were other tables set up where various other men and some women were playing gin, blackjack, or their own games of poker. The scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol was heavy in the atmosphere.

“Up for another round while we wait for Nagato and the new guy?”

“No way. You’ll clean me out before they even get here.”

“So how did you meet this Sasori, again?” the darkly-tanned older man folded the bills over into a neat square and placed them in his back pocket of his pressed slacks.

“I used to supervise him in the work program. He really didn’t deserve to be in it at all. You remember how I told you about Itachi and Hidan’s new addition to their entourage, Deidara?”

“I think I saw him when Hidan came in last to see Konan in August. Long hair, blue eyes, looks like he needs to eat a sandwich?”

“That’s the one. He and Sasori are dating each other. Deidara is constantly over at the house, and Itachi has made friends with Sasori as well.”

“So you decided to take another stray into our fold...”

“I guess you could put it like that... But he’s a good guy. He’s a painter. Pretty good one too, from what I understand.”

“It was already difficult to accept that you were fraternizing with your now-fiance the entire time he was under your supervision. Then I had to come to the realization that being with Hidan also meant having a relationship with Itachi, and by proxy, you as well. Now you want to irritate me further by bringing their new friend’s significant other to our card games, too?” Kakuzu rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. “...Is he even any decent at this?”

“He’s from Vegas, so I’m hoping he is. Maybe he could finally put you in your place...”

“You’re just... _what’s the colloquialism..._ yes, you’re simply ‘salty’ that I am better than you at this.”

“Hidan is rubbing off on you.”

“That is complete and utter nonsense.”

The two turned their heads as the door to the back room of the bar opened. Sasori peered his head inside, looking around briefly at the groups of people and finally settling on Kisame. Nodding in recognition, he stepped inside and closed the door, a lowball glass of scotch and a cigarette in his hand.

“He looks like a teenager.”

“He’s 35...” Kisame murmured back in a hushed tone, waving the redhead over.

Sasori strode over to the two and pulled out the chair next to Kakuzu and sat down, setting his glass of liquor on the table. He held out his hand to Kakuzu. “Sasori Akasuna. You’re Kakuzu, right?”

“Kakuzu Hoku,” the CSO shook his hand briefly and directed his attentions back to the cards on the table, gathering them up and shuffling them thoroughly. “Kisame tells me you are acquainted with Hidan and Itachi.”

“Yeah. My boyfriend is best friends with the both of them.”

“I think that our mutual friend here is under the impression that we should all perhaps take a leaf out of their books and attempt the same camaraderie between us. However, I am not so easily won over. When it comes down to it, the only thing I really care about is whether I can make any money off of you tonight.”

“Likewise,” Sasori countered evenly, placing his cigarette between his lips and inhaling deeply, a cylindrical line of ash forming as he smoked. He lifted a hand and gestured over at a waitress, garnering her attentions. “Give the gentlemen whatever they want, and bring me another scotch,” he reached into his pocket and took out a twenty note, handing it to her. 

“Whiskey, neat,” Kakuzu told the woman.

“Spiced rum on the rocks, please.”

“Any word from Nagato?” the oldest of their party inquired.

Kisame took out his phone and quickly sent a text to the missing member of their group. “We usually have one more guy that comes and plays with us,” he explained to the redheaded artist. “He works in the mail room at the local precinct.”

“I don’t mind,” Sasori said with a shrug and a sip of his scotch. He side-eyed Kakuzu and his lips curled into a smirk. “So... Hidan, huh?”

“What about him?”

“Just wondering what you see in such a guy is all.”

“I could ask you the same thing. Your companion looks like he could be blown away with a proper gust of wind...” Kakuzu retorted with a raised eyebrow.

Sasori snorted and puffed on his cigarette. “He could probably stand to super-size his next value meal, true...”

“What I see in Hidan is my own business. I doubt you would understand.”

“Try me.”

Kakuzu narrowed his jade green eyes. 

“Unless you really can’t think of any redeeming qualities?” Sasori pressed further, smirk widening.

“I reiterate, it is my business and my business alone. Drop it, or I’ll lose my temper.”

Raising an eyebrow, the redhead directed his attentions back towards the police officer. “Kisame. I really don’t like to be kept waiting. Patience isn’t one of my strong suits...”

“Nagato can’t make it anyways. He’s not feeling so hot again.”

“He looks like he’s always about to keel over and die anyways,” Kakuzu muttered. 

The waitress returned and set their drinks down in front of them on thin napkins. 

Kakuzu picked up his glass and took a sip of the ochre-colored liquid. “Ante starts at sixty. Five-card draw.”

“I’m good for it,” Sasori placed a crisp trio of twenty dollar bills in the center of the table.

“Meh, I'll go ahead and play...” Kisame took out his wallet and withdrew three notes, lamenting how light his wallet was becoming.

Another set of twenties that had previously belonged to the islander joined the pile courtesy of Kakuzu. “Kisame, you’re the least likely to cheat. You deal.”

The officer took the stack of cards from the side of the table and began dealing them out clockwise one at a time until five each were in front of all three men.

Sasori gingerly lifted his cards and peered at them. He kept his face neutral and impassive. 

Kakuzu searched the face and posture of the redheaded man for any tell-tale signs that might have indicated what kind of hand he had. He kept his own expression stoic and blank but internally he was disappointed and also intrigued when he could find nothing to betray what kind of cards Sasori had been issued. 

“Sasori, what the hell, do you have a really good hand or something? Or are you always this quiet playing cards?” Kisame sipped at his spiced rum as he looked at his numbers and suits in outright disgust, doing nothing to disguise his lousy hand unlike the other two older men.

“I could always be bluffing...” the redhead discarded of three cards into the burner pile after placing his bet in the middle of the table, it being countered evenly by one made by Kakuzu.

“Or maybe not...” the CSO eyed him suspiciously, tossing two cards of his own away. 

Kisame kept all but one card and flipped another burner, shuffling them and dealing three back to Sasori, two for Kakuzu, and one for himself after placing his own bet, albeit reluctantly.

The painter peered at his cards again in a blase fashion. 

“Any more bets?”

Sasori yawned nonchalantly and eyed Kakuzu.

Taking a sip of his whiskey, the CSO placed another twenty in the pot.

“All right. Call it.”

“Pair,” Kakuzu flipped his cards over.

“I didn’t get shit this time,” Kisame grumbled, revealing his mediocre hand.

“Straight flush.”

Kisame deadpanned and looked at Sasori incredulously. “....Are you fucking serious?”

With a flourish, the redheaded artist revealed his cards. “...I probably should have mentioned this before, but I'm really, really good at this...” he smirked knowingly and piled up the wad of cash, counting it and relishing in Kakuzu’s silent seething.

“Surely it’s simply luck is all. Shuffle and deal the next hand, Kisame.”

\--------------------------------------

Deidara shuddered happily and hugged himself as he stared starry-eyed at the cinema screen. He’d caught an action flick with Itachi and the opening credits had accompanied a car chase that had ended in a devastating explosion.

Itachi side-eyed him in amusement. “Do pyrotechnics really satisfy you that much?” he murmured quietly.

“You have no idea, Itachi...” the blond breathed out heavily, feeling his heart pound wildly in his chest in excitement.

The raven’s phone lit up in his pocket, screen illuminating despite being covered by denim fabric. Taking it out of his pocket and dimming it, Itachi smiled as he received a picture text from Kisame. He tapped Deidara on the shoulder. “Look.”

In the photo was an image of Sasori with a mix of crumpled and crisp bills in a small pile before him, a satisfied expression on his face. The accompanying text read, _‘He’s already won 3 out of 5 hands!’_

Deidara snickered openly. “I’d had a feeling he was being modest when I asked him if he was any good at playing cards the other day... Maybe he’ll buy me something nice with your fiance’s money...”

He dodged the fist lobbed at his person with a grin and batted at the raven playfully before directed his attentions back to the screen, a satisfied expression on his face as they continued watching their film.

\--------------------------------------

“I’ve figured you out now.”

“Oh? What makes you say that, Kakuzu?” Sasori asked with a lull of his sleepy sepia brown eyes.

“You have a decent hand. You’re more reckless with your bets and raises whenever you have one. I fold.”

“Pity. Kisame?”

“I feel like Kakuzu might be right... That, and I really don’t want to gamble away my food money for work this week. I fold, too.”

Shrugging his shoulders, Sasori flipped his cards over onto the vetiver green velvet table. “Like I said... a pity.”

His hand had been absolutely abysmal.

Kakuzu scowled. “You have to be cheating somehow...”

The redhead rolled up the sleeves of his button-up, exposing milk white forearms. “You know, it could just be that I’m simply better at this than you are.”

“Impossible.”

“I’ve been wandering into casinos and gambling halls since I could take my first steps. You should see me at the blackjack tables at Caesar’s Palace... I’m a pretty dab hand at the pachinko parlor, too...” Sasori’s eyes slowly began widening in interest as he egged the other man on purposely.

“You’re irritating me... I don’t normally do this, but I can’t deny that I’ll take great pleasure in snuffing out that little winning streak of yours. One last game. Single card draw. I want to see your face when your luck runs out and you have to give up everything you’ve won here,” Kakuzu said lowly, his eyes openly fixating on the stacks of notes the same green as his bloodshot irises.

“Kisame, if you’ll do the honors...” Sasori straightened his posture, fully invested in the scenario before him as he smiled.

“Now we’re doing something interesting...” the officer grinned, shuffling the cards thoroughly. It had been a while since he’d seen Kakuzu riled up like this.

“You have a nice pile of bills before you.”

Sasori gave him an expression that clearly read, “Your point?”

“Just don’t be upset when you lose it all...”

“Same to you.”

Kisame cut the deck and dealt out a single card to both men. “On three, flip it...”

The painter poised his index and middle fingers above the card as the islander counted down.

“Two... Three.”

Both Kakuzu and Sasori flipped over their cards at the same time.

The 46-year-old said nothing as he looked down. He simply shot down the rest of his whiskey in a single gulp. 

A King of Spades was in front of Sasori, opposing a Ten of Hearts on Kakuzu’s side of the table.

“Again. Perhaps I am simply better than you at this.”

Kakuzu folded his arms across his chest and watched blankly as Sasori helped himself to all the money still in front of him. He cleared his throat and his eyes narrowed as he spoke in a relenting tone. “...Perhaps.”

“Or maybe I am just lucky. To be truthful, I haven’t really decided. But I can’t help but be reminded of an F. Scott Fitzgerald quote at this moment that I feel you would appreciate: _‘Nothing is as obnoxious as other people’s luck.’”_

The older man snorted audibly and gestured over the waitress for more whiskey.

\--------------------------------------

Kakuzu’s cheeks were ruddy from liquor as he puffed on a cigarillo. He’d had more than enough of his fair share of drink given he was not paying the tab for it. He looked over at Sasori and Kisame, the two animatedly discussing something that was clearly privy to only them.

“Akasuna,” he interrupted the two.

“Hm?”

“...Perhaps it would not be painful to form an acquaintanceship with you.”

Sasori said nothing, but his lips lilted into a small smile.

“However. Don’t you ever speak of Hidan so abrasively again. He may be a lot of things, but he’s been good to me. I won’t tolerate anyone disrespecting him. That's my right alone.”

“....That sounds fair enough.”

“I knew you both would get along with each other,” Kisame interjected with a grin.

“I say I spend some of his and your hard-earned money on that Korean barbecue restaurant across the way in the other strip center. Care to join me?” Sasori sipped down the last dregs of his scotch.

“As long as you pay,” Kakuzu nodded, snuffing out his sweet and ambling up slowly, his equilibrium not up to par given his inebriated state.

Kisame swallowed down his watery spiced rum with a grimace and gathered up the playing cards on the table into a neat stack, folding a rubber band around it and shoving them into his back pocket. He took his coat from the back of the chair and casually draped it over his shoulder as the three exited the back room and walked past pool tables, dart boards, and flat screens playing the latest sports game. The officer made it to the front door of the bar first and held it open, Kakuzu and Sasori both nodding in acknowledgement.

The only noise shared between the three men were the sounds of the soles of their shoes hitting the pavement as they crossed the strip center parking lot the bar was situated in for the one across the street directly from them. The barbecue joint was lit up obnoxiously with neon signs of varying colors, each one seeming brighter than the next as they approached the sidewalk and the restaurant.

Kisame again held open the entrance door for the two older men, Sasori approaching the hostess podium and requesting a table. The three were lead to a back corner of the restaurant and given menus as their grill was swapped out, the redhead immediately sitting down and requesting soju bombs for all three.

The oldest of their group sighed audibly as he sat. “Are you trying to make it so I can’t drive? I don’t want to have to waste money on an Uber home.”

“How old are you again, Kakuzu?” Sasori inquired curiously as he began perusing the selection of beef and pork cuts.

“46... why do you ask?”

“Because you’re still young enough that you can handle a little more to drink,” the dark-eyed artist replied bluntly, picking up his shot glass of soju and dumping it in the light beer and chugging it down completely in four swallows.

Next to him, Kisame snorted and poured his own shot of soju into the frothy golden alcohol and gulped down half of the glass before pausing and inhaling sharply and continuing.

“Age is very subjective,” Kakuzu replied thoughtfully. “And it has nothing to do with the limit of one’s alcohol intake.”

He drank his soju bomb anyways, well aware that he would probably have a minor hangover at this rate come morning.

The officer took out his phone with a grin and began typing.

Sasori’s phone lit up. He stealthily glanced at the screen as bean sprouts, tofu, and kimchi in little ceramic bowls were placed before them. “Can we get two orders of the pork belly and marinated short ribs to start off with? And a large order of rice, please.”

 _‘I know what you’re doing.’_

_‘I’m just loosening him up a bit... He'll never talk otherwise...’_ he texted back quickly. “Come on, Kakuzu. One more soju bomb with us,” he directed his attentions back to the waitress and held up three fingers with a nod while his other hand pointed to their empty shot glasses and beers.

Kisame grinned and sent the redhead one last secretive text.

_‘You're a highkey bad influence on purpose.’_

Sasori looked at his phone and then at the officer. His lips moved as he mouthed, _‘You have no idea...’_

Kakuzu’s insides openly rebelled as three new shot glasses of soju and beer pints were placed on the table after a brief wait. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you couldn’t pay me enough to drink that.”

“That is the most bullshit thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth,” Kisame said bluntly, digging out his wallet and flashing a twenty note in front of the older man’s face. “Drink it. Twenty bucks. Easiest you’ll have ever made in your entire life!” 

Kakuzu’s eyes swayed in time with the bill. Lashing his hand out, he crumpled it up in his fist and gave Kisame a look that promised death once he was sober. “I’ll get you for this, Hoshigaki.”

He dropped the shot of soju in his pint and picked it up, slowly tilting his head back and drinking.

Sasori winked openly at the officer with a smirk as he used his chopsticks to drop some pork belly onto the grill along with some kimchi and tofu. “The juice from the pork belly will soak into the kimchi and the tofu and it’s going to taste delicious with all that extra flavor.”

“You sound like Hidan in the kitchen after he’s watched Food Network...” Kakuzu mumbled inebriatedly, breaking apart his chopsticks and blearily setting down some marinated spare ribs on the grill.

“Speaking of Hidan...”

“...Huh?” the CSO blinked as his vision became unfocused.

“Sasori, he’s fucking toasted--”

“--Your phone’s ringing.”

Kakuzu felt around in his pocket and withdrew his phone, an image of Hidan yelling and flipping off the camera popping on the screen with the name _‘Idiot Fuck’._

“That’s romantic,” the redhead smirked and used his chopsticks to turn over the slices of pork belly.

“‘Dan? What the fuck do you want?”

_“ARE YOU FUCKING DRUNK, OLD MAN!?”_

“...I’d say that is a very distinct possibility...”

_“SO YOU’LL FUCKING GET DRUNK WITH 5-0 AND RED BUT NOT ME?! FUCK YOU, KAKUZU.”_

“It wasn’t as if I intended to do it, but I didn’t have to pay the tab...”

_“SO BASICALLY ALL A MOTHERFUCKER HAS TO DO IS JUST BUY YOUR FUCKING DRINKS AND YOU’LL GET SHITFACED?! KAKUZU, YOU CHEAP HEATHEN WHORE! RESPECT YOURSELF BETTER!”_

“What.... is the the purpose of this telephone call, ‘Dan? I’m busy,” Kakuzu ruffled his hair, the vein in his throat pulsing in time with the erratic beating of his heart.

_“FUCK YOU AND YOUR BUSY. NOW LISTEN TO MY WORK STORY.”_

“...Go ahead,” the older man pinched the bridge of his nose irritably as he reluctantly chose to amuse Hidan.

_“SO ADOLFO FUCKING QUITS IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING. JUST THROWS DOWN HIS KNIFE AND TAKES OFF HIS COAT AND WALKS OUT. SO EVERYONE’S FREAKING OUT. AND THEN SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED KINDA LIKE... CHICO BLANCO LA COCINA... WHICH I THINK MEANS ‘MAKE THE WHITE BOY PLAY BITCH IN THE KITCH’, BECAUSE NEXT THING I KNOW I’M MAKING ALL THE DAMN FOOD. SO LONG STORY SHORT, I’M PRETTY FUCKING DECENT AT IT AND THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO BE DOING FROM NOW ON.”_

“So you got a promotion, is what you’re trying to tell me...? Do you get paid more?”

_“KAKUZU YOU GOLD-DIGGING BASTARD. BE PROUD OF ME! COOKING SHITTY TEX-MEX IS HONEST WORK. I COULD BE RUNNING DRUGS OR FIREARMS OR SELLING HUMAN ORGANS INSTEAD!”_

Kakuzu plucked up a cooked piece of spare rib and began eating it as he nodded and ‘mmhmm’d along with Hidan’s obnoxiously loud telephone voice, well aware by the ridiculous grins on Kisame and Sasori’s faces that they could hear the entire exchange. “Can we discuss this later? Perhaps when I don’t feel like stapling your lips shut?”

_“HEY, THAT COULD BE HOT--”_

“Nope,” the green-eyed man said robotically as he moved his phone from his ear and immediately disconnected the call.

“Hidan reminds me of a squirrel on meth,” Sasori said with a sigh and a grin as he ate sliced pork belly and tofu.

“...I think you mean a squirrel on coke...” Kakuzu mumbled as he drank from his glass of water and began eating more plentifully in an attempt to sober up enough to drive. 

“I suppose that would be more accurate, yes.”

“He talks about him a lot,” the 46-year-old said rather blankly.

“Hm?”

“‘Dan. He talks about your boy a lot. I know plenty about Deidara at this point and I’ve never even spoken to him.”

“Did he tell you how he talks in his sleep?”

“And that he snores sometimes? Yes.”

Sasori bit down on his bottom lip to muffle his laughter and used his chopsticks to pile on more sliced pork strips onto the grill, the fat sizzling onto the charcoal underneath and giving the meat a tasty smoke flavor. “I know a little bit about Hidan from what Deidara and Itachi have divulged to me.”

“Did they tell you the story about how I recently caught him trying to sacrifice a chicken to Jashin in his bathtub...?”

The redheaded painter began choking violently on his water. Sasori went into a heaving coughing fit as his brown eyes widened. 

“I managed to convince him not to do it. He ended up keeping it... named it and everything. Now he loves that bird. I should have just let him kill it and had him make me fried chicken cutlets.”

“When did this happen...?” the artist rasped out.

“Last week,” Kakuzu was apathetic as he spoke, a testament to the things he had seen and experienced since being a more constant fixture in Hidan’s life. “Two days ago he and I were walking down the street. There was a religious advertisement on a bus stop bench and it set him off. Next thing I know he’s climbing on top of the bus stop itself and spouting on about Jashin... I just kept on walking. I had made it about five blocks away from him when he finally caught up and started yelling at me for not paying attention to him when he was trying to be serious.”

“...Hidan and Deidara, they’re both such yelly creatures, even more so when they're together.”

“This one doesn’t understand. His companion is normal,” Kakuzu pointed at Kisame with his chopsticks.

“Aren’t I just the luckiest son of a bitch for it, too?” the officer grinned, sighing happily.

\--------------------------------------

“Last four are 7-5-8-2... yeah, that’s it. That’s my number,” Sasori nodded when Kakuzu showed him the screen of his phone.

The CSO nodded and saved it into his contact information along with Sasori’s name. “I should be good to drive. The room stopped spinning about thirty minutes ago,” Kakuzu leaned against the roof of his car and dug out the keys.

The redhead yawned and blinked his eyes. “That’s my cue to take off. Oh, Kakuzu... if you like, I’ll show you how I cheated and won all those hands sometime, too...” he said with a smirk as he immediately took off for his Jaguar.

_“AKASUNA YOU LITTLE BASTARD--”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasori you dick that's not how you make friends.  
> ...  
> ...  
> Hidan named his chicken Roberta.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m very much a ‘give the people what they want’ type of gal. So when I got asked, why the lack of KisaIta porn, I knew I needed to do something to fix that. For all the people here for Kisame and Itachi, sorry to leave you on the edge of your seats, and I hope this makes up for the slow burn. <3 It’s not a long smut scene (because writing descriptive porn is mentally taxing at times), but it’s still p hot if I do say so myself.  
> I was really dissatisfied with the last chapter tbh so I hope this one is better. I kind of struggled getting it out so I’m sorry for the wait. But we’re at the ending! I’m so excited! Thank you for being with me on this journey.

\-----------------------

_ Fine Young Criminals _

\------------------------

_Chapter Sixteen_

_Pantpantpant._

“I know, buddy. It’s still hot, huh?” Kisame carded his fingers through Samehada’s fur while the evening news broadcasted as background noise as he looked through his social media feed on his phone.

He smirked openly as he scrolled upon a photo of Kakuzu and Sasori together posted a few hours ago. The caption and hashtags declared them to be attending a foreign film night. He wasn’t surprised by the development in the slightest.

Samehada’s tongue lolled out and he looked up at the officer absently with bright amber eyes. The puppy suddenly became more alert as the loud roar of the Evora could be heard from outside the house as it approached the garage. Standing up in Kisame’s lap, the Chow began growling.

“Hey now. It’s just your other Daddy...”

The pup leapt out of his grasp and ran towards the side door that lead to the attached garage from the house, and began scratching at it. It swung open, and Itachi smiled down half-heartedly at Samehada. “Hi, ‘Hada. Did you miss me?” he leaned down and scratched behind his pointed ears.

“I missed you,” Kisame said from his position on the couch.

“That’s nice, dear,” Itachi replied blankly as he walked into the living room, loosening his hair tie and running his fingers through his ebony locks tiredly.

The islander frowned. “...What’s up with you?”

“I just came home from an AA meeting. I’m not exactly going to want to be affectionate with you right now.”

“I thought we’d gotten past this...”

“Just because I forgave you for it, doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten it.”

Kisame sighed, his shoulders slumping. He said nothing as he directed his attentions back to the news anchor reading the weekend forecast on the television.

Itachi took off his shoes and opened the door to the mud closet, setting them inside and shutting it. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m not really all that hungry,” Kisame said irritably.

“...Suit yourself.”

The raven walked into the kitchen and took off his button-up, hanging it off the back of a kitchen chair. He grasped onto his plain black tank with his index finger and thumb and began fanning himself with the cotton fabric as he opened up the door to the refrigerator and began digging around. He produced a package of salmon filets wrapped in brown paper with a string and set them on top of the granite countertop, reaching into a bottom cabinet and taking out a ceramic skillet. The burner on the stove was turned on, and the pan was sat on it to heat up.

He padded over to the pantry and took out bottles of honey, soy sauce, and extra-virgin olive oil. Itachi thumbed through his spice rack and produced red pepper flakes, whole black peppercorns with a grinder attached, and kosher salt. 

In a medium bowl, he whisked the soy sauce, honey, and pepper flakes with some lemon juice and set it off to the side. Olive oil was added to the skillet and left to heat. He unwrapped the package of salmon and patted the meat dry with a paper towel, disposing of it after. 

Itachi washed his hands in the sink and dried them, grabbing a whole lemon from the bowl of assorted fruits and a sharp knife from the wooden block. He began slicing it on the cutting board, the fresh scent of citrus wafting in the air and tickling his nose. Placing one slice on his tongue, he winced and his lips puckered, but he enjoyed the astringent flavor immensely. Sucking on it, he set down the knife on the cutting board and he placed the salmon filets pink side down in the heated oil in the skillet. The meat sizzled and crackled as it cooked.

Taking the lemon slice and throwing it away, he seasoned the fish with salt and pepper and put them both back on the spice rack along with the pepper flakes. 

Kisame sniffed the air as the scent of cooking salmon carried from the kitchen to the living room. He narrowed his eyes as he realized Itachi was preparing his favorite dish. “You’re doing that on purpose!” he hollered. 

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”_ Itachi replied back in a haughty tone.

The islander sulkily began channel surfing as his stomach growled.

Samehada trotted into the kitchen and sat down in front of Itachi, wagging his tail and looking at him expectantly with clear amber eyes. 

“You want dinner too, don’t you?” Itachi smiled down at the Chow and grabbed a can of wet puppy food, opening it and dumping it into the animal’s food dish. Tossing the can away, the Uchiha refilled Samehada’s water bowl and watched the pup as he devoured his meal.

Looking up at the wall clock, Itachi grabbed a spatula and quickly flipped over the salmon, the meat a beautiful golden shade. The bowl of sauce was added into the pan, and it quickly began reducing as he lowered the heat. The slices of lemon were placed on top of the two filets, and he began basting them thoroughly. 

Turning the heat down to a simmer, he got out a large salad bowl and retrieved a pre-made mix of salad greens and arugula and opened it, dumping it in and seasoning it with a little salt and pepper and tossing it with an Italian vinaigrette and parmesan cheese. Salad tongs were placed inside the bowl and it was set on the kitchen table, along with bowls, knives, and forks. Shutting off the burner, he got two plates out from an above-head cabinet and plated the salmon, placing them gingerly on the table. 

A glass of water and a beer came to join the food on the table. 

Peering his head around the kitchen archway, Itachi cleared his throat to get his fiance’s attention. “Please come eat.”

Sighing audibly, Kisame turned off the TV and set down the remote on the coffee table, getting up and following Itachi into the kitchen and sitting down at the table. “You really are a minx. I’m trying to be displeased with you and you’re making it difficult on purpose.”

Itachi sat next to him and dished himself up a bowl of salad, stabbing a leaf of spinach with his fork and bringing it to his lips. “You do not get to be displeased with me.”

“And why is that?”

“Because my feelings are warranted. You’ve put me in a very uncomfortable situation.”

“I did it because I love you.”

“Kisame, you did it out of fear, not love.”

Kisame ate a bite of his salmon, chewing contemplatively as he thought about what he wanted to say next. “...In the end, my motives for making the recommendation are irrelevant. Does it not count for something that I just want you to be safe?”

“...Of course it does.”

“Then stop being a bitch and holding what I did against me,” the older man said with finality.

Itachi’s eyes went wide. 

“I don’t want to speak of this again,” Kisame said with a sip of his beer.

“....” the raven said nothing, he simply stared at his reflection in his glass of water before resuming eating his salad.

The two continued dining together in a tense silence, the only sounds the clattering of utensils against ceramic. When they both finished, Kisame looked at his fiance and put his hand on top of his, squeezing affectionately. 

The action made Itachi flinch. 

Frowning openly, Kisame wondered if perhaps he had gone too far. He’d never cursed at Itachi once during the entirety of their relationship together. Moving his hand, he stood up from the table and gathered their empty plates and bowls. “I’ll clean up the kitchen.”

“...I’m going to let ‘Hada out and put him to bed in his kennel,” Itachi got up from his chair and pushed it in, whistling between his teeth for the puppy. Samehada bounded into the kitchen and skid across the tile floor as he raced over towards the Uchiha, making the raven laugh softly despite his despondent attitude. Leaning over at the waist, he plucked up the canine and walked into the living room and to the front door, where Samehada’s leash and collar hung on the hanging coat rack. He slipped the collar over the dog’s head and fastened the leash to the ring, setting the animal back down and opening up the front door and shutting it behind.

Kisame busied himself with rinsing off the plates and bowls and silverware, putting them away in the dishwasher. The skillet and salad bowl and tongs were washed by hand with dishwashing liquid and a sponge and set on the rack to dry. As he cleaned, he heard the front door re-open after a few minutes and the click of the lock turning into place.

Drying his hands off with a towel, he heard footsteps going up the stairs, and he walked into the living room to see Samehada chewing on a stuffed toy in his kennel. “Goodnight, buddy. Sleep well.”

He could now hear the running of water coming from upstairs. Ruffling his hair, he slowly strode up the stairs, one at a time, and made his way into the master bedroom.

\--------------------------------------

Itachi stood under the stream of water, his hair damp and plastered to his shoulders as he braced a palm against the tile. He sighed openly as a rush of cold air hit him as the door to the shower was opened, Kisame getting in behind him.

“I’m not in the mood...” the raven said lowly.

Kisame said nothing. He plucked up the bar of soap and lathered up a sponge, gently running it down the expanse of the younger man’s back.

Itachi sighed deeply and craned his neck, looking down at his painted toes. He didn’t resist as he was turned to face Kisame. 

“I won’t pretend that I understand what this is like for you. But I am sorry for going too far with my words... You know I don’t think of you that way truly... right?” Kisame gingerly cradled Itachi’s face in his palm.

Itachi lidded his eyes and placed his hand over Kisame’s, his garnet eyes not meeting his. “I’m sorry, too. I know I did this to myself. I know I have to accept the consequences of my actions... just like I know you’re not trying to punish me...”

“Itachi, I love you. I love you so much that it physically hurts, sometimes. I know you’re miserable. I know you’re probably being made to talk about things that you never wanted to share with anyone... but you need to understand something. I am terrified of losing you. And you know not a lot of things scare me.” 

“I love you, too... I really am sorry... I guess it was kind of bitchy of me to act in such a way when all you’re trying to do is look out for my well-being...”

“I know you’re a very private person. And I know that part of you will probably resent me for a while for this. But it’s not forever. If you want to stop going when you’re done with your probation, go ahead. I won’t force you to attend meetings.”

“...This is good thing, right? Couples are supposed to get upset at one another, aren’t they?”

“I can never stay that way at you for long, though... especially when you make my favorite meal...”

Itachi bore his eyes into onyx orbs with a tiny smile. “You’re really quite easy to please, aren’t you?”

Kisame abruptly dropped the sponge in his other hand and brought it to join the other side of Itachi’s face. Leaning down, he pressed his slightly chapped lips to the raven’s and kissed him tenderly. 

Letting his eyes fall closed and placing his hands on his lover’s forearms, Itachi returned the kiss deeply, pushing his body flush against Kisame’s.

\--------------------------------------

Kisame couldn’t help but watch transfixed as his length disappeared inch by inch into Itachi’s ass. The raven’s back bowed as he was filled and he let out a breathy moan as he braced his palms flat against the tile slick with condensation.

He felt like heaven. Itachi was warm and snug around him. Kisame let out a soft groan as the raven tightened as he buried his cock fully into his pliant body. He stilled his motions, planting soft kiss after kiss along Itachi’s shoulders and waited for him to adjust to the intrusion.

The spray of hot water rained down over their bodies as he began moving his hips slowly, eyes still focused on how Itachi’s ass seemed to all but swallow his arousal wetly. Kisame openly palmed a pale cheek, sighing at the softness of the skin under his fingertips. He continued on with the same even pace, biting down on his bottom lip as Itachi’s body quivered. 

Arching his spine as they coupled, Itachi let out a sharp gasp and raked his blunt polished nails down the damp tile, the stream of water peppering droplets onto his flushed skin.

Their forms moved almost rhythmically in their unison, slick and hot and damp. The steam rising slowly made Itachi choke on his own pants as Kisame began moving faster, sinking his length in and out of his pulsating heat.

“Kisa...” the raven breathed out harshly, looking over his shoulder and biting back a moan as his lover continued quickening the pistoning of his hips. 

“Is it too much?”

“It's always too much... but in a good way...”

“You might try to hide it, but I know you love it when I'm deep inside of you.”

Itachi’s cheeks reddened. “So vulgar...”

“What are you talking about? The other day you were begging me to shove it in.”

“You like it when I beg you, don't you...?”

Kisame laced his fingers in damp, curling raven locks and tugged, exposing Itachi’s throat. He latched his teeth onto supple, unmarred flesh and bit down hard possessively. 

The action drew out a shiver and moan from the younger man, Itachi’s garnet eyes closing as he braced himself against the shower wall with both palms flat.

Pressing an apologetic kiss to the row of teeth marks, Kisame threaded their fingers together and used the momentum to wildly thrust in and out of his lover’s tightness, his own breathing becoming erratic.

Itachi groaned loudly, moving his ass back to meet each movement as he pressed his cheekbone against the slick cold of the tile and exhaled out in low pants and moans. “Fuck...”

“Now who's vulgar?”

“You like it...”

Kisame issued him a wicked smirk and bucked wildly, drawing out a choked shout from Itachi, the raven clenching his teeth and squeezing their entangled hands tightly as he was pounded into ruthlessly.

They continued on with their union, meeting one another thrust for thrust, gasp for gasp, fettered sigh for fettered sigh as the water became stagnant and the temperature began to lower as seconds crept into long minutes. 

Curling his fingers around Itachi’s arousal, Kisame began stroking him deftly, whispering lustful diatribe in his ear and words of encouragement. 

“Kisa... I’m...”

“Cum for me.”

Letting out a shudder of pleasure, Itachi moaned his release in Kisame’s firm grip, the shower immediately removing any evidence of their lovemaking. 

Pressing the raven’s body flush against the tiled wall, Kisame gave one final piston of his hips, emptying his load deep inside of the Uchiha’s well-used orifice with a low groan. He planted soft kisses all along Itachi’s shoulders, cock slipping out from inside of him wetly. “You feel a little better now...?”

“....I’m definitely not mad at you anymore, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Kisame pumped his fist with a grin. 

Itachi tiredly shoved his shoulder with a small smile and motioned for the islander to wash his hair with a few simple gestures of his index finger.

Grasping onto the bottle of Itachi’s pricey floral-scented shampoo, Kisame squeezed a quarter-size drop into the palm of his hand and began lathering up ebony locks, using his blunt fingernails to gingerly scratch Itachi’s scalp, drawing out a low sigh of contentment from the younger.

“I picked up a course catalogue today for the local cosmetology institute...”

“You really are taking my suggestion to heart, then?”

“Yes. I think you are right, it will be good for me to learn a trade instead of playing house-spouse all day.”

“You make such a cute house-spouse though,” Kisame twisted Itachi’s long hair into a soapy bun on the top of his head and leaned over to pick up the sponge and bar of soap, rubbing them together to create suds. “Hold out your arm?”

Itachi did as told, and the sponge was ran along the length of his limb, under his arm and ribs. Relaxing it languidly, he repeated the motion with his other arm and was lavished with the same attentions. Turning around to face Kisame, he leaned in and planted a kiss on Maori tattoos on the officer’s upper arms. 

“You want to watch more of that show we started together before we go to bed tonight?”

“Mmhm,” the raven’s garnet eyes fixated on Kisame as he moved lower and lower down his body, the larger man peppering kisses and teasing licks on his lower abdomen. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d want to go again.”

The smirk on his fiance’s face spoke volumes as Kisame paused in his washing and lavishing of Itachi’s body to drop the sponge again and stand up at his full height.

“Kisa--” Itachi began, but he was silenced when he was spun around again and pressed up against the tile, Kisame’s reawakening arousal pressed up between their bodies.

\--------------------------------------

The sweet perfume of the flowers in his garden filled his senses as Itachi walked out onto the patio barefoot in a small black silk robe that stopped at his thighs. He sat down in a patio chair and took a cherry-flavored cigarette from the pack on the glass-top table and lit it with the flick of the lighter.

He withdrew his phone from the pocket of his robe and inhaled nicotine deep into his lungs. Getting on social media, he smiled as he saw the photo of Kakuzu and Sasori. He pressed the ‘like’ button and continued scrolling down, seeing a myriad of selfies Deidara had taken. Before he could ‘like’ one that featured the blond winking and giving a peace sign, his phone vibrated with an incoming FaceTime from Hidan. 

Placing his cigarette between his lips, he accepted the call and Hidan’s visage appeared on the screen, but he wasn’t alone. His hen was perched on his shoulder.

“You still haven’t made chicken noodle soup out of it yet?” Itachi inquired with an amused look.

Hidan gave him a deadpan look. _“Fuck that noise. You know this stupid bird gives me a free egg a day? I like free shit, Itachi.”_

“You just couldn’t be sane and get a cat, could you?”

_“Why the fuck would I want to do something so boring!?”_

“What even do you feed a chicken?” the Uchiha asked with another puff of his cigarette.

_“OK, so get this. I don’t just have to give her chicken feed. This is the fucking ultimate--my hen eats all the roaches in my place! It’s like free fucking pest control!”_

Rolling his eyes, Itachi adjusted his position in his chair. 

_“Close your legs, skank! I can see your dick!”_

“Then don’t look in between my legs. I know it's a difficult notion, but if you're really so adverse to seeing it...”

_“I mean... yeah, it's a nice fucking piece of hardware, but you've kind of got a fiancé and I have a... something?”_

Smiling softly, the older male crossed one leg over the other, cutting off Hidan’s line of vision to his nether regions. “As much as I enjoy teasing you, did you really have a purpose for calling me? It’s getting quite late and I’ve had... an eventful evening.”

_“You slut. You slept with 5-0, didn’t you?!”_

“You talk as if it’s not to be expected.”

_“ITACHI UCHIHA IS A GODLESS HEATHEN WHORE!!”_ Hidan said dramatically, his chicken letting out a squawk and fluttering off his shoulder in a puff of feathers as he flailed about. _“Anyways, I called because I wanted to see how you were doing after your AA shit tonight.”_

“Hidan... that’s actually thoughtful of you.”

_“I know, right? I’m a fucking awesome friend.”_

“And so very modest.”

_“So? Spill the beans!”_

“Today we talked about things and situations that would drive us to drink. It was quite uncomfortable.”

_“I bet you were pissed at 5-0 when you got home...”_

“That’s an understatement. We got into an argument.”

_“Oh, tell me details!”_

“I’d rather not.”

_“FUCKING LAME. THROW ME A BONE, COME ON. KAKUZU’S BEEN GONE ALL DAY WITH RED AT SOME OLD FART FILM FESTIVAL AND I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO!”_

Itachi looked thoughtful for a poignant moment. “Mm, I think I am good, thank you.”

_“Fuck you, hooker. Go stand on your corner!”_

The door to the patio slid open as Kisame peered outside, his expression gentling as he saw Itachi smile while talking to Hidan on a video call.

_“AND THERE’S 5-0, THE BIGGEST SLUT OF THEM ALL--FUCK. Itachi, I gotta take this. It's Kakuzu. I'll call you later.”_

The raven fluttered his fingers in a wave and the call was disconnected.

“Did he just call me a slut?”

“Apparently the biggest one of them all.”

“Huh. Cool.”

\--------------------------------------

Hidan answered the call from Kakuzu on the third ring after hanging up with Itachi. “What’s up, sexy?” he grinned into the receiver, watching his hen in satisfaction as the bird killed and ate a tiny cockroach that had scurried across the floor suddenly.

_“Are you still coming over and staying with me tonight?”_

“Uh, fuck yeah? I'm just waiting for you to be done playing _Grumpy Old Men_ with Red and come back to my bosom.”

_“Hidan. No bird.”_

Huffing audibly, Hidan looked down at his feet and wiggled his dark green-painted toes. “Fiiiine. You’ll pick me up, right?”

_“Tell your little blond friend to hurry up and sell you his car.”_

“We’re doing the title transfer next fucking week, you old miser! You better not make me take the damn bus!!”

_“Give me gas money.”_

“WHY DO I EVEN FUCKING LOVE YOU?!” Hidan irritably dug in his pockets for currency and withdrew some coins and a couple folded bills. “Kakuzu, I’ve got like... four bucks and some change--”

_“I’ll take it. Be ready in forty minutes.”_

_“You’re really going to make your own partner give you gas money?”_ a familiar soft baritone cut in in the background. 

“YEAH, YOU FUCKIN’ TELL ‘EM RED--” the silver-haired male blinked as the line suddenly disconnected. “Well, you can just eat a dick...” he grumbled, directing his attentions over to his hen and grinning wildly as he began chasing the poor bird around the apartment space on purpose. “You better run! That’s right! Kakuzu’s coming, and he wants me to make chicken fajitas out of you!” he cackled as feathers flew around the room.

\--------------------------------------

“Hidan, why do you have an arm full of groceries?”

“Because while I’m over I’m going to make your lunches for the week, fucking duh,” Hidan buckled in and stuck out his tongue, setting the plastic bag down in between his knees.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, but shifted his car out of park and began the lengthy drive towards his house in the suburbs. “All you know how to make is Mexican food, ‘Dan.”

“So?! It’s not like you’re gonna be eating the same shit every day! I can make you _huevos ranchero, tamales verde, chile con carne,_ fried _tomatillos_ \--” he began ticking them off one by one on his fingers.

“Does it make you happy?”

Hidan blinked as he was interrupted. “Huh?”

“Does cooking make you happy, ‘Dan?”

The 25-year-old looked thoughtful. “Well, yeah. I like it way better than washing dishes, that’s for sure.”

“Then put yourself through school. Do something that makes you feel good.”

Scoffing audibly, Hidan directed his violet eyes onto his partner and gave him a look. “You’re one to talk, you heathen fucking hypocrite. How much longer are you gonna play it safe sitting behind a _fucking desk_ instead of going out and chasing fuckers for cash like you used to do?”

“I couldn’t do bounty hunting forever, Hidan,” Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, “And watch your fucking tone.”

“Yeah yeah... well, I’ll tell you what, ‘Kuzu. I’ll go to cooking school if you go back to bounty hunting. I think that’s pretty fair.”

The older man looked contemplative.

“You should think about it! And in the meantime, let me use your awesome kitchen to make you meals!” Hidan grinned and placed his palms together in a pleading gesture.

“...No arbol chile this time. And go easy on the poblano.”

“Fucking dope, I get to cook for you more. This is gonna be super fucking gay.”

Kakuzu leaned over and smacked his significant other upside the head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KakuHida next chapter. Then we'll end it off with SasoDei. Good stuff.


End file.
